It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.
I feel sick because everything seems to be piling up and I just don't want to deal with any of it.
I'm tired of living. Life isn't fun anymore. I feel empty all the time and the drugs and alcohol are just a quick fix.
Every day I wake up hoping something horrible will happen to me so I can disappear without the guilt of ending my own life.
I don't think I should feel this way. I want stuff thinking it will be the key to my happiness but am disappointed when I get it. The apartments, the furniture, the clothes, the boyfriends...wanted all of it, got all of it, and still feel shitty.
I keep telling myself I feel shitty because I'm not working, and that's partly true. When I work a lot I feel happy in a shallow way. I feel happy because I'm fucked up. I feel happy because I have lots of cash on hand. I feel happy because I'm not being lazy. I don't feel like these are valid reasons to be happy. What the fuck is happy anyway? Some chemicals floating around in your brain.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Still broke
So I really wanted to work tonight but I don't think I'm going to be able to. My...STD...is pretty visible and so yeah...probably not good for business.
I was suppposed to move in to my new place today but due to extenuating circumstances (one roommate is in Augusta and the other is at her parents' house with the flu), I'm not.
The Ex wants me to go with him to a show tomorrow night and I don't know. I feel like our history is a bit weird and after all our knock-down-drag-out fights it would just be awkward. Maybe not. I certainly can't be having any sexual relations with him until I get to the doctor, not that I would anyway, but at least I have an excuse. All that said I'll probably go because I need some people to hang out with and there was a time when I had feelings for him so maybe they'll return.
When I got back to the states I had a ton of text messages and a voicemail from a customer of mine who is obsessed with me. I don't know how to deal with this guy. One one hand he gives me lots of money and it's one of those guaranteed things, but he's seriously getting annoying.
I did my nails nice, have a hair appointment Tuesday, and I think I'm going to try and tan this week so at least I'll be looking less like a hot mess than I have been.
God-there's so much I want to buy and I just want to go to work so I can make some money!!! At times like these I seriously regret cutting things off with Rich Old Dude. Fuck.
I was suppposed to move in to my new place today but due to extenuating circumstances (one roommate is in Augusta and the other is at her parents' house with the flu), I'm not.
The Ex wants me to go with him to a show tomorrow night and I don't know. I feel like our history is a bit weird and after all our knock-down-drag-out fights it would just be awkward. Maybe not. I certainly can't be having any sexual relations with him until I get to the doctor, not that I would anyway, but at least I have an excuse. All that said I'll probably go because I need some people to hang out with and there was a time when I had feelings for him so maybe they'll return.
When I got back to the states I had a ton of text messages and a voicemail from a customer of mine who is obsessed with me. I don't know how to deal with this guy. One one hand he gives me lots of money and it's one of those guaranteed things, but he's seriously getting annoying.
I did my nails nice, have a hair appointment Tuesday, and I think I'm going to try and tan this week so at least I'll be looking less like a hot mess than I have been.
God-there's so much I want to buy and I just want to go to work so I can make some money!!! At times like these I seriously regret cutting things off with Rich Old Dude. Fuck.
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Souvenir
So I'm pretty sure Colorado guy gave me HPV. At first I wasn't too positive, and tried to tell myself it was razor burn or something, but at this point I'm 95% sure it's HPV. What sucks is that I'm in a foreign country so I can't even get to physician to diagnose me and start treating it-and I know with HPV the sooner you start treatment the more likely you can get things under control.
It's further ruined my vacation, which wasn't very good to begin with, as I can't stop worrying/thinking about it.
As much as I want to be mad at Colorado guy for this, I can't bring myself to feel angry towards him. Afterall, it's my fault for sleeping with a guy who I knew was kind of skanky. Note: if a guy can't go 3 sentences without mentioning some chick he's banged (married, fat, lives in the same complex...anyone with a vagina in his general vicinity) it's probably bad news and you shouldn't let him stick his penis in you; even if it's wrapped.
He's emailed me about how great Montana is and what a good time he's having. It's like, that's nice, you sleep with me for two months, infect me with an incurable STD, move 2,000 miles away and then let me know what a great time you're having. Just what I want to hear!!! Can't wait for the emails about how he's won the lottery and found a cure for aids. Also, he addressed the email 'stripper', I hate that shit. My Ex does that too. I don't address your emails 'unemployed' or 'poor motherfucker'. So fucking disrespectful. If you saw me as a stripper then you should have paid me for my fucking time. God I hate men.
One slightly good thing that's come of all this is some weight loss. Because I've been so upset over this...revelation...I've not had much of an appetite and have lost 5-7 lbs so far.
I know a lot of people have it and it's probably not going to ruin my life but I just feel gross. Dirty. I'm not even freaking promiscuous-I've only slept with four fucking people!
And there's part of me that wonders what kind of guy is going to want to be with an infected stripper. I guess growing old alone isn't that bad-I can get cats or something; they wont judge me by my sexually transmitted diseases.
I've never wanted to get back to the US and to a doctor so badly in my life.
Hopefully work will be good when I get back to Atlanta, I need some serious monetary therapy right now.
It's further ruined my vacation, which wasn't very good to begin with, as I can't stop worrying/thinking about it.
As much as I want to be mad at Colorado guy for this, I can't bring myself to feel angry towards him. Afterall, it's my fault for sleeping with a guy who I knew was kind of skanky. Note: if a guy can't go 3 sentences without mentioning some chick he's banged (married, fat, lives in the same complex...anyone with a vagina in his general vicinity) it's probably bad news and you shouldn't let him stick his penis in you; even if it's wrapped.
He's emailed me about how great Montana is and what a good time he's having. It's like, that's nice, you sleep with me for two months, infect me with an incurable STD, move 2,000 miles away and then let me know what a great time you're having. Just what I want to hear!!! Can't wait for the emails about how he's won the lottery and found a cure for aids. Also, he addressed the email 'stripper', I hate that shit. My Ex does that too. I don't address your emails 'unemployed' or 'poor motherfucker'. So fucking disrespectful. If you saw me as a stripper then you should have paid me for my fucking time. God I hate men.
One slightly good thing that's come of all this is some weight loss. Because I've been so upset over this...revelation...I've not had much of an appetite and have lost 5-7 lbs so far.
I know a lot of people have it and it's probably not going to ruin my life but I just feel gross. Dirty. I'm not even freaking promiscuous-I've only slept with four fucking people!
And there's part of me that wonders what kind of guy is going to want to be with an infected stripper. I guess growing old alone isn't that bad-I can get cats or something; they wont judge me by my sexually transmitted diseases.
I've never wanted to get back to the US and to a doctor so badly in my life.
Hopefully work will be good when I get back to Atlanta, I need some serious monetary therapy right now.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Missing Work
I miss work so much. It's like an addiction. Once I'm drinking and on a steady diet of opiates and stimulants my emotions will be numbed and all will be right with the world.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Summary of my boring life
The ex texted me on Thursday and invited me to a baseball game when I get back from vacation...WTF? I have this sad feeling that we're going to end up with eachother eventually. I don't really think I have feelings for him anymore but I'm kind of ready for a serious relationship so we'll see.
Colorado guy is moving to Montana where I think there's some chick he'll probably get back with. Blah to that.
I'm going to be living in Midtown for a month and a half so that will be fun.
I had a dream about work last night; I was back at work but the club was closing for good in 2 days. I remember being upset about how I was supposed to make money once my club closed.
A customer of mine keeps trying to get me to go to Vegas with him.
Pros
He pays for everything as well as provides me with $5,000 gambling cash.
It's summer so the weather would be really nice.
Another vacation this summer to a place I haven't been.
He likes to drink.
Cons
He expects that I'll sleep with him.
I have to fend off his advances the entire time.
I do sleep with him and then I'm pretty much a hooker.
Figuring out how to hide this vacation from my parents/friends.
So, I don't know. I guess I'll decide when I get back to Atlanta.
My best friend is back with her on and off boyfriend again and it seems pretty serious-I think they plan to get engaged pretty soon. Another strike against me.
Colorado guy is moving to Montana where I think there's some chick he'll probably get back with. Blah to that.
I'm going to be living in Midtown for a month and a half so that will be fun.
I had a dream about work last night; I was back at work but the club was closing for good in 2 days. I remember being upset about how I was supposed to make money once my club closed.
A customer of mine keeps trying to get me to go to Vegas with him.
Pros
He pays for everything as well as provides me with $5,000 gambling cash.
It's summer so the weather would be really nice.
Another vacation this summer to a place I haven't been.
He likes to drink.
Cons
He expects that I'll sleep with him.
I have to fend off his advances the entire time.
I do sleep with him and then I'm pretty much a hooker.
Figuring out how to hide this vacation from my parents/friends.
So, I don't know. I guess I'll decide when I get back to Atlanta.
My best friend is back with her on and off boyfriend again and it seems pretty serious-I think they plan to get engaged pretty soon. Another strike against me.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Things I miss
I just ate half a cake and puked it up. Bleh.
I'm kind of bored; I don't really know what to make of my new lifestyle. I have no expendable cash and it's sad. I like to buy things-pointless, unecessary things. I like to eat out...for nearly every meal. I like to have cash. I like counting it, I like depositing it, I like everything about it, and I don't have any. I've made a grand total of $270 in Colorado. I'll probably make $100-$200 more before I leave due to my other job, but still. I miss the drugs. I miss the partying. I miss going to bed at 7:00 in the morning and waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon. I miss being super skinny. I miss hating work. I miss my nice furniture. I miss all the free alcoholic beverages made by professional bartenders. I miss the lifestyle I was attempting to escape from. Maybe that's why I needed to escape; I liked it too much.
Despite all this I'm not overly excited about returning to Atlanta. My best friend is back with her on-and-off boyfriend. When she's with him she's no fun. I'm registered to go back to a school I have have no interest in for a major I couldn't care less about. I'll be back working at a club that I miss, but I'll soon again hate. I'm going to be leaving the person I've spent nearly every waking (and sleeping) moment with for the past month and half which is going to feel weird.
I'm just not excited about my life or my future.
Time to drink some tequila!
I'm kind of bored; I don't really know what to make of my new lifestyle. I have no expendable cash and it's sad. I like to buy things-pointless, unecessary things. I like to eat out...for nearly every meal. I like to have cash. I like counting it, I like depositing it, I like everything about it, and I don't have any. I've made a grand total of $270 in Colorado. I'll probably make $100-$200 more before I leave due to my other job, but still. I miss the drugs. I miss the partying. I miss going to bed at 7:00 in the morning and waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon. I miss being super skinny. I miss hating work. I miss my nice furniture. I miss all the free alcoholic beverages made by professional bartenders. I miss the lifestyle I was attempting to escape from. Maybe that's why I needed to escape; I liked it too much.
Despite all this I'm not overly excited about returning to Atlanta. My best friend is back with her on-and-off boyfriend. When she's with him she's no fun. I'm registered to go back to a school I have have no interest in for a major I couldn't care less about. I'll be back working at a club that I miss, but I'll soon again hate. I'm going to be leaving the person I've spent nearly every waking (and sleeping) moment with for the past month and half which is going to feel weird.
I'm just not excited about my life or my future.
Time to drink some tequila!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Atlanta strip clubs > Boulder strip clubs
I'm going off to Ireland in three weeks. Yay.
I worked a night at a club here in Boulder and let's just say Boulder is no Atlanta when it comes to strip clubs. I guess there just isn't the right sort of population to really support a decent strip club. At this particular club the girls, who were a pretty mangled bunch, were allowed outside for smoke breaks during their shifts. OUTSIDE IN THEIR STRIPPER HEELS AND OUTFITS! Some were savvy enough to throw on a jacket or some sweat pants, but not enough.
The management could use some help. They were nice enough but they couldn't manage...well, anything.
Since there were only 10 girls or so and the DJ insisted on putting two girls on stage at a time I was on stage every 12 minutes or so. Normally I would complain about this, but considering stage tips comprised the majority of my income I didn't mind too much. Except for the fact that I was expected to perform a fucking swan lake-esque routine for one or two measly dollars. I don't understand the mentality of having to stick my tits in some dude's face and writhe around on the ground for 2 minutes for a few bucks. If the girls wouldn't do it, the guys wouldn't expect it. If management would stop goofing off in the back of the club for a few minutes and try to do some managing they could make some rules against this sort of behavior and the world would be a less skanky place.
Then there were the three Mexican guys who kept trying to pay the waitress in pesos. While the waitress was not amused by this, one of the dancers was more than happy to accept the mexi-money 'as long as she could cash it in for dollars at the bank'.
I ended up doing only 4 dances (at $20 a pop) and I got stiffed (in the money sense) on one of them, so my total dance income was $60. Fifteen of that went to the club (along with 15% of my gross income), so with my stage tips I ended up walking away with $120. One of my worst nights ever and soooo not worth it. I didn't even get many free drinks. You know it's a bad night when I turn down free alcohol.
Other than that little fiasco my trip is going pretty well. I think I may move down to Denver for my last two weeks here because I'm starting to tire of Boulder.
I did get another part time job that pays $30/hr and my clothes stay on, so that's nice.
I worked a night at a club here in Boulder and let's just say Boulder is no Atlanta when it comes to strip clubs. I guess there just isn't the right sort of population to really support a decent strip club. At this particular club the girls, who were a pretty mangled bunch, were allowed outside for smoke breaks during their shifts. OUTSIDE IN THEIR STRIPPER HEELS AND OUTFITS! Some were savvy enough to throw on a jacket or some sweat pants, but not enough.
The management could use some help. They were nice enough but they couldn't manage...well, anything.
Since there were only 10 girls or so and the DJ insisted on putting two girls on stage at a time I was on stage every 12 minutes or so. Normally I would complain about this, but considering stage tips comprised the majority of my income I didn't mind too much. Except for the fact that I was expected to perform a fucking swan lake-esque routine for one or two measly dollars. I don't understand the mentality of having to stick my tits in some dude's face and writhe around on the ground for 2 minutes for a few bucks. If the girls wouldn't do it, the guys wouldn't expect it. If management would stop goofing off in the back of the club for a few minutes and try to do some managing they could make some rules against this sort of behavior and the world would be a less skanky place.
Then there were the three Mexican guys who kept trying to pay the waitress in pesos. While the waitress was not amused by this, one of the dancers was more than happy to accept the mexi-money 'as long as she could cash it in for dollars at the bank'.
I ended up doing only 4 dances (at $20 a pop) and I got stiffed (in the money sense) on one of them, so my total dance income was $60. Fifteen of that went to the club (along with 15% of my gross income), so with my stage tips I ended up walking away with $120. One of my worst nights ever and soooo not worth it. I didn't even get many free drinks. You know it's a bad night when I turn down free alcohol.
Other than that little fiasco my trip is going pretty well. I think I may move down to Denver for my last two weeks here because I'm starting to tire of Boulder.
I did get another part time job that pays $30/hr and my clothes stay on, so that's nice.
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