A hooker by any other name...

So I'm kind of an escort now. I mean, not officially, but yeah.

Last night I hung out with the sugar daddy. I think he's under the impression that we're dating, but I see it as a simple business transaction. Well, not all that simple.

He bought me a necklace from tiffany's. It's nice.

In spite of all the gifts and money I've received I don't think I'm going to be able to carry this on much longer. There's too much bullshit. I like my work because I go in, dance, make money and leave. I don't have to deal with my customers 24/7. If I were to go into escorting seriously it would have to be the same way. I can't deal with faking being someone's girlfriend.

I can fake sexual enjoyment for a little while. I can fake a good time for a little while. I can fake interest for a little while. I can only do these things for money. I cannot do this on a long term basis for any amount of money (well, maybe for an astronomically high amount and lots of mind-numbing drugs).

I cringe (on the inside) every time he touches me. Making out with him is revolting. He's not fat or ugly. His personality is a bit...clingy and over the top 'gentlemanly', but not horrible. There's just nothing there. No chemistry, no attraction. I'm fairly asexual to begin with and being sexual with someone I actually like is still a chore-this is tortuous.

I left without having sex with him last night. We were in his hotel room, a very nice hotel room might I add, and I just felt...weird. Not bad or ashamed or gross, almost stoic.

He tried, oh did he try. He played the 'just let me give you a massage' card. Men, we know this game. It's not some crafty play that us women aren't on to. We know that massage leads to groping leads to sex 95% of the time. I make a point to never allow massages to turn into sex for this very reason- out of spite!

Anyways, I guess I'll just tell him straight up that this situation isn't going to work for me. Luckily he doesn't live here so it shouldn't be too much of a hassle. I'll offer to give him back the jewelry as well :(

On another note, I've decided that I am in fact asexual and I will no longer engage in sex because it's expected of me or because it's the only way I can maintain a relationship with most normal men. If I happen to meet a guy who's asexual then awesome. If not, awesome too. I'm tired of feeling used and grossed out because I have sex even though the desire isn't there.

Off to work to hopefully make $3,000!

The life of a schoolgirl

Hanging out with the sugar daddy tomorrow. He got me something from Tiffany's!

He annoys me quite a bit, but I'm so thankful for the fact that he doesn't even live in the state. I guess I'll make out with him a bit tomorrow. Definitely not sleeping with him yet. He wants to take me to Italy; too bad I have school every damn day.

Work was decent last night as was Saturday. Nothing close to a $3,000 night, but hey, they can't all be like that (oh how I wish they could, though).

I bought a new outfit yesterday. It's a schoolgirl outfit. Normally I'm not into the cheesy costume-y outfits, but I figured I'd give it a try. It actually went over really well. I think I want to buy one more outfit-maybe something for halloween.

I texted the ex while I was at work last night. Didn't expect him to respond 'cause it was pretty late but he did. Right away. Happened like that a few weeks ago too, except it was like 5 in the morning. He doesn't seem to be getting much sleep lately, wonder why. Anyways I told him about my new outfit (and may have sent him a picture. Hey, I was drunk), and I guess he didn't realize that I was at work because he responded with,

"hot, come over."

I told him to come pick me up (knowing he wouldn't, just wanted to check), and he told me to call him. Having nothing better to do I called him and right as he answers the dj calls me to stage.

"Hey, I just got called to stage, I gotta go."

"You're at work?!?"

"Yeah, I'm always at work."

"WTF?"

Haha, he thought I was trying to booty call him. He should know me better than that. I have to say, it gives me some sort of sick pleasure to know that he, a)wasn't with a girl at the time and b)isn't dating anyone seriously enough to not want to sleep with me.

My best friend finally broke it off with her boy. YAY!!! Now we can go out and cause trouble like we used to!

My sugar daddy is bringing me some party favors (ahem) tomorrow, so it's going to be a fun weekend.

Off to do about 4 hours of painstakingly long and thorough homework involving many a proof. If anyone cares to show why y=β0+β1x+u where E(u)≠0 and α=E(u)can always be written with the same slope, but with a new intercept and error, where the new error has a zero expected value feel free! Don't forget to include what would happen if E(u)=α1x.

We can dance!

I made over $3,000 at work Thursday night, all in about 45 minutes.

Obscenely wealthy people are insane.

The guy from whom I acquired my wealth dropped 30 grand in about an hour. $30,000. That's a year's salary for a lot of people.

It's surreal having a guy just hand you a hundred dollar bill every few minutes for no reason. It makes the money seem...fake or something. Too bad I had to tip out $900 or I would have went home with $4000.

I'm glad I chose not to leave early that night; especially after my first vip's credit card got declined ($400), and my second vip kept asking me to 'just touch the tip' for an extra $100. What a crazy world I live in.

On another note, the 30 grand guy made the dj play safety dance on loop for about 30 minutes. I never want to hear that horrible 80s song again.

Even so, I'm still going in tonight as planned. My friends think I'm crazy and should take the rest of the week off but they don't understand. It's a sickness. A compulsion. I could make $10,000 at work in a night and I'd still want to go back and work my usual shifts. Anyways, if I make $500 or more tonight then I'll have made $4000 this week working only 3 shifts. Awww yeah.

The ex texted me the other morning. Of course the number just showed up as a number since I deleted him from my contacts list but I still knew who it was. I don't understand what his problem is.

Well, I see a lot of new clothes and a new laptop in my future.

I remember

I'm starting to realize that I may in fact have an alcohol problem. I hesitate to call it a problem per se because I don't actually have a problem with the fact that I drink a lot. An alcohol addiction, perhaps.

I just don't care. I sit there, vodka bottle in hand, and realize that I don't care. I don't care about school, my health, my friends, my future. I cannot bring myself to care. I want to, trust me. I see people, ambitious driven people, and I long to be like that, but I'm not.

I do fine. I function. I realize that my life could be worse. I realize that I generally get what I want. I think I may enjoy being miserable. Not miserable, really; apathetic I guess.

I knew how I was when I lived alone last time. How I spiraled into a mess fairly quickly. Yet I chose to do it again.

I remember sitting on my bathroom floor with a drink in my hands crying.

I remember waking up at 4 in the afternoon with the realization that I hadn't eaten in 4 days.

I remember chopping up oxy pills on the counter; hors d'oeuvres to my alcoholic beverage of choice. The xanax bars, the sleeping pills, the cocaine.

I remember going through the contacts list on my phone trying to decide whether I wanted to call anyone; feeling heartbroken realizing that the people I wanted to talk to most wanted nothing to do with me.

I remember going to work like a zombie. Pale with bones jutting out, perfectly straight hair and impeccable makeup.

I remember customers telling me not to lose any more weight.

I remember other customers fawning over my body, asking me how I stayed in such 'good' shape.

I remember not caring then, too.

Runaway money.

I'm supposed to be out shopping but I'm feeling lazy so I decided to have a few shots and write an entry first.

Wednesday night was...interesting.

I sat around for about the first hour and half as usual. Drank 3 sugar free redbulls (my newest vice) and talked with the other strippers. Then I sat at a hightop with a group of guys who seemed to have money. They bought me some shots and got some dances. They also had the bright idea of trying to get as many girls as possible dancing on the table at once. We had five girls up there at one point, and the tables aren't that big. No one could really do anything other than wiggle back and forth. Table dances do please me though because they cost $20 a dance instead of the usual $10.

Little old asian man was also in. He didn't spend that much money, I think I may have gotten ~$150 from him.

Last but certainly not least was retard asshole. Retard asshole grabbed me as I was walking to the back and asked if I did dances.

"uh, yeah. Do you want one?"

"I want a few, let's find a chair"

So we go sit at an abandoned table and I do a dance. When the song is over I ask if he wants another one and he says yeah, he wants a lot. After a few more I ask if he can go ahead and pay me for the ones I've done. He says that he only has a three hundred dollar bills so he'll pay me after the first ten. Now I should have told him to pay me then and I'd get him change but I didn't. It's not too unusual that guys come in with only hundreds so I figured I'd just do the rest.

I'm about 8 dances through when I get called on stage. I tell the customer that I'm going to stage and that he better not leave while I'm up there. I also notify the bouncer to keep an eye on him just to be safe.

After my stage set I go back and do my last two dances. At this point I'm exhausted. My knees hurt like hell, I'm starting to get sweaty and I feel kind of light headed due to not much food and a lot of red bull.

"ok, time for you to pay."

"uh, I have to go to the bathroom first"

"No, you need to pay me now or I'll have to get the bouncer."

"I actually don't have the money on me, it's in my car. Let me go get it."

"...Hahahahahaha. No. You need to either pay me now or go to the atm and get money out to pay me with."

"I don't have any money on my debit card. I need to go to my car. I promise I'll be back with your money."

At this point I know that I'm not getting my money and I'm pissed. I do the next best thing (to getting my cash) and tell one of the bouncers,

"This guy says he needs to get money out of his car to pay me with. Can you accompany him to his vehicle?"

This basically means that the guy is skipping out on me and I'd like you to go outside and rough him up a bit.

I tip the bouncers quite well so that when a situation arises they are willing to do these sorts of things for me.

They both go outside and I go to the bar where a regular of mine is sitting. I tell him about the situation and he can tell I'm pretty upset. About 20 minutes go by and there's no sign of the bouncer or the asshole retard. My customer (who is well known by club staff), goes outside to check on things. Both him and the bouncer return sans asshole retard or my money. Then my regular goes to the atm and gets out $100 and gives it to me. He tells me that the bouncer and the valet beat the guy up a bit and he actually had to get them to calm down.

At least I got my money in the end even if not from the right person.

I swear to god if I ever see that guy again I'm going to murder him.

Drama and all I still made over $500, even though I'm pretty sure my blood pressure suffered a bit.

The price of love

I went to dinner with a potential sugar daddy last night. So far he's shown the most promise (see: buys me the most stuff) of all the guys I've tried.

We went to a nice restaurant and ate sushi and lobster. Drank some wine that was $18 a glass. The bill came to $187.00. He bought me some nice perfume, a very nice dress, and a bottle of stoli o. He did keep trying to kiss me, but I was mostly successful at avoiding his advances.

His personality is not so offensive that I want to kill myself every time he talks and he isn't fat or hideous. Obviously this is somewhat important seeing as I'd have to sleep with him at some point.

Another bonus is that he doesn't even live here. He travels down here for work every other week or so. This means I wouldn't have to devote too much time to him.

Is it worth it?

At this point I don't care anymore. I'm through with the ex. I have an extremely hard time meeting guys who I have any sort of attraction to. I'm over the whole notion of love or relationships that don't involve some sort of clear exchange of goods and or services. I'm completely unstable emotionally.

We'll see how this pans out.

I texted the ex last night while potential sugar daddy was in the bathroom. No response. Of course this pissed me off because I assumed he was probably out with another girl. Got a text from him at 8:00 this morning saying that he left his phone in the car. Right.

I finally told him that I was unhappy with the situation and his reponse...'It's your own responsibility to make yourself happy.' I fucking know this so I told him that we shouldn't hang out anymore. He wrote back about how I finally "get it" feigning excitement for my new found enlightenment. Fuck him and his stupid games.

Off to class I go.

Ultimatum

Ugh. I just made the mistake of looking at the ex's facebook profile. I don't even have a facebook, but I can log onto my friend's to look at all our partying pictures.

Of course he has some album up with pictures of him with some really ugly chick he looked to be dating. The album was 4 months old, but still. She was gross. Another reason for me to feel shitty about myself.

We had a really good time in Biloxi. That would have been a good place to go as a more single girl, though. I got hit on a ton even with the ex in tow. Might have to plan a trip with some girl friends of mine.

At one point we both walked up to a craps table and he started talking to someone. This gave the guy next to me opportunity to move in and start flirting/conversing with me. All of a sudden the ex did something he never does-turned around, put his arm around me and introduced himself to the guy who was talking to me.

I sound like a complete nutcase analyzing this but hey, I'm a girl and this is what we do.

The ex did pay for the whole trip (besides my gambling fund), even meals, which is really odd for him. I did offer to pitch in and he said he was taking care of it. This makes me insanely happy for reasons that have nothing to do with the actual money.

Anyways, I decided that next time the ex contacts me to hang out I'm just going to grow some balls and tell him we either need to be exclusive or I'm out. My exact words-"Hey, I like hanging out with you but I can't do this casual hooking up thing anymore. It's either exclusive hooking up or nothing."

Work was alright last night. I had a customer come in and he gave me two gift cards(victoria's secret for $100, and a hair/nail salon for $75), and a bunch of money! Yay. Unfortunately these sorts of customers are very high maintenance and he will start to annoy me about hanging out outside the club shortly. Good thing they're somewhat disposable.

Time to go to class, go tan, and then get my nails done!

Abort abort!

Well last night was my best night this week and I didn't even hit $500. It's almost as if the universe knows I'm going gambling and doesn't want me to have money to burn.

I haven't been drinking at work (much) lately. I'm trying to lose 7 more lbs. I do wish I had some coke, though. I was talking to another stripper at the party I went to on Labor Day and we both agreed that we make a lot more money when we do a bit of coke at work.

It seems that all my regulars come in on the same night which makes it hard. I then have to make the decision of who to sit with and I'm always afraid I chose the wrong person.

On Tuesday someone came to the club in their helicopter. A fucking helicopter just parked on the lawn outside the club. WTF? You think if you're that rich you could just order the strippers to come to your place like delivery pizza or some shit. The manager said it was Ted Turner's cousin or something.

So I might be pregnant. I'm 2 weeks late and I just have a bad feeling about this. Do you think it would be better to tell the father of the kid or just get an abortion without letting the sperm donor know? I'm leaning towards not telling him. I mean, what you don't know can't hurt you. I have no idea how the ex would even react...I'm taking a pregnancy test when I get back from vacation this weekend so we'll see.

On relating to others

Well last night was a bit of a waste. Good thing it was sort of an extra day for me since I don't normally work Tuesdays.

I think there may have been 7 customers total last night. The bouncer had the audacity to tell me that he warned me not to work the Tuesday after Labor Day, but he forgot to take into account that he probably told me this whilst drunk and therefore I was unable to retain this information.

In spite of the fact that I made <200 last night I still went out today and spent $55 on a new tanning membership, $26 on some stoli vodka, and $14 on nail polish. I notice that I tend to spend more on the days after I make no money at work than visa versa. Shopping therapy or something.

So the ex and I are going out of town this weekend. This promises to be interesting. Last night I was sitting with some customers of mine and one of them asked me if I had ever been to Biloxi. I excitedly responded that I was infact going there this weekend. Turns out he is too, and we're staying at the same hotel. Pretty funny. I decided to tell the ex about this just to see what his reaction would be. My email went something like this:

"hey, I was at work last night and found out that a few of my customers are going to be in biloxi this weekend and they're staying at the same hotel as us! Now we have people to hang out with!"

I was honestly hoping this would bother him a bit, but he just chose to completely ignore the whole situation in his email back to me (there were other points in my email about more logisitical things such as when we were leaving and what to pack). What does this mean in man language? Is he annoyed and illustrating that by ignoring the issue?

I remember when I lived with him I was constantly trying to get a rise out of him. He's pretty stoic usually when it comes to arguing. There was one time where he got sort of mad and yelled at me to 'shut the fuck up for two seconds.' That was probably the most emotion I'd ever seen him show. Then later that night he tried to have sex with me.

I think part of my issue is that I fail to see other people as my equals. I tend to view myself as a unique and more clever organism and therefore cannot relate to others in a sincere fashion. I fail to realize that most other people probably have the same feelings and thoughts running through their brains at all times as I do when dealing with them. This causes me to get my feelings hurt but not care or recognize when I may be doing the same to others. I have no idea how to drill this concept into my head so that it's present when I'm interacting with others. Until I'm able to do so I think all my relationships with other people will be dysfunctional.

cos(stripper skill)

Man tonight was a piece of shit disappointment. I was hoping it'd be good 'cause I worked labor day weekend last year and made over $500 all 3 nights I worked but that was not the case this year.

Meth guy was in tonight (the guy who I did meth with last valentine's day) and I danced for him but refused his drugs. This is odd because normally I don't say no to free drugs (wasn't meth this time, he had molly and tabs) but I decided to exercise some willpower on this fine evening.

We were up in room 7 with two other strippers and two other customers. One of the customers was a female that I swear looked like a tranny. Then she took off all her clothes and danced for meth guy. It was awkward and I kept trying to see if she had any sign of a penis. I always feel girls who are have her sort of shape. Absolutely no hips and no ass and very little body fat. So unfeminine.

Then I danced for this guy who was wearing the thinnest basketball shorts ever with no underwear so I could feel his tiny sharpie dick on my butt for much of the dance. Seriously guys who do this are pathetic and we're pretty much always laughing at your mini penis to ourselves. We even make fun of it in the dressing room with the other girls.

I think I'm becoming a shittier stripper as time goes on. My skill level as a stripper is somewhat parabolic in nature. Start out crappy, a year or so in hit your peak and then it's down hill from there. Maybe it will end up as a trigonometric function, and there will be multiple peaks and valleys.

I've been obsessed with bell peppers lately. I bought 5 this morning and have eaten three of them already. I always crave the weirdest shit. Always vegetables.

The ex texted me last night at 3:30 am. He asked what I was doing...and told me that he's going to tennessee to climb and coming back monday evening. Sort of odd for him. I think I sent him a few drunken text messages on Friday night but I compulsively delete all my incoming and outgoing texts after I get/send them so I don't know.

I do know that a friend of mine sent him a message on facebook telling him he needs to 'treat me like a princess' and a bunch of other shit. I swear I'm not 14 years old.

Chameleon

I just blew a .17 and had no idea. I've been drinking sooooo much lately...It's pathetic.

I did alright tonight, a little over 500...meh.

There's this 'documentary' on hulu called 'the strip game' that I watched today. It's pretty good. A fairly accurate portrayal of the industry. It focuses mainly on black clubs, but the sentiments are the same. Plus they have a section about atlanta!

The ex texted me today. I'm going to try and get him to take me to my car tomorrow...under the guise of lunch or someting. We'll see.

The guy with a kid keeps trying to get me to go out with him again. The problem with dating is that i know what the guy I'm with wants/expects and I can tailor myself to that, so I do. I don't know why. Amusement maybe. I always drop them before anything serious happens.