Thank you for sharing!!!

This week has been incredibly fucking busy. I'll start with work.

Worked Wednesday night. It was the worst night (money-wise) I've had in a while. I left with under $100. I did get to leave at 1:00 because of school so I didn't have to waste any more time in that god forsaken place.

Last night (saturday) was pretty decent, if not a bit awkward. Little asian man came in. Now he often comes in with girls from the club (they are his dates) and that can cause drama. Especially since this girl, ashley, has returned. She worked at the club when I first started. I remember her because she was one of the prettier girls but a lot (a fucking ton) of drama. She ended up on a lot of shit lists and did a lot of questionable things. She left when she became pregnant with her second child (she's 22) and just returned a few weeks ago. She was only working on Saturdays (when little asian comes in) and this made a lot of girls angry. Well she came in the little asian last night along with another girl, Autumn, who I don't know all that well. Apparently ashley thought that autumn was talking shit about her behind her back and there was this huge drama fest with tears and yelling and all that jazz. I just sat there an observed. It was slightly annoying because the ordeal was fucking up my money a bit and making little asian uncomfortable. Apparently ashley got fired last week as well, so that made things worse.

I did stray from the table for a second to say hey to another customer of mine that was in and it was disappointing. I did two dances for him and while I was over there they call another girl over. This girl is dirty as fuck and everyone knows it. She will actually have sex with guys in vip. So the customer she's dancing for asks my customer is she's a good vip (he was a first-timer, apparently), and my customer responds "oh yeah, she's a good one to take to vip" She wasn't present for this exchange (bathroom or something) and it just made me feel grossed out. Is that what guys really want?

Ok, some non-work stuff.

Had my date on Tuesday with the father. It went well but there was no chemistry. We did make out, but I have a tendency to make out with people that pass on the street, it's no biggie to me. He called me the next day and wants to hang out again. It's a tough position for me because he's good friends with my friend's fiancee so I don't want to blow him off but I also don't want to lead him on. Why can't I just be attracted to more people?

I hung out with the ex on thursday night. We went roller-skating which was funny.

On Friday I hung out with friends and it was crazy as usual. I think I might have broken, sprained or jammed my thumb punching someone. I didn't really feel it at the time because I was trashed, but I woke up the next morning and I could move it or pick stuff up. It's fairly swollen still, I guess I'll wait it out.

I also sent the ex a really horrible albeit hilarious email Friday night/Sat morning. I not only sent it to him, but to a bunch of his friends/family. See, he sent me and a bunch of other people an email on Friday about stupid new age crap like he often does. Now, I've learned to just roll my eyes and ignore these emails because that's the easiest thing to do. So I did just that. Well, I get home from partying on Friday and notice another email in my inbox from one of the people he sent the original email to. It's more fucking bullshit and at this point I'm just annoyed so I decide to have some fun. I write back an email mocking all of the crap they're talking about and calling out the ex at the same time. I send this email to everyone he sent the original email to (family members included). I'm pretty sure they all think I'm crazy now, but I had to do it for the lulz. Here's a copy of the email that set me off and my response. I didn't include the ex's original email because I'm embarassed to be involved with such a retard.

Here's the girl's email:

Wow! Thank you for sharing, stupid ex.

I admire you for being on a journey about who you are in the world.

I also admire your openness to sharing your breakthroughs with friends.

I admire that you’re thoughtful, pensive and that you get what you’ve gotten so far.

If you ever want to consider expanding the conversation you’re having or shortening your discovery to 3 and ½ days from a couple of years, I would love to have you register for The Landmark Forum. There is an Introduction to The Landmark Forum and it is 3- hours and it is all about creating a new possibility in an area of your life. (Even if you don’t register, you still get something.) There is are two introductions this week on Tuesday (8/31) and one on Wednesday (9/1), both at 7pm. I would love for you to be my guest! You and any of your friends are welcome – just let me know. I mean many of us piddle away 3-hrs without even thinking about it, I always ask my guests, “Why not give yourself 3-hours for your life?” and “What’s an area of life you’d like a breakthrough in?”

What I got from The Landmark Forum was the ability to give up past resentments and regrets, peace-of-mind and more love and affinity with people I care about. I am able to put the past, in the past which gives me a wide-open future to create. Plus –I got a set of “tools” that showed me how to apply what I got to every area of my life. Transformation isn’t sustaining on its own.

It really can’t hurt to just come see, right?

It isn’t a belief system, it’s all just conversation. And, I hope you’re okay with my response. You know I think you’re the “bees-knees”!!

Give me a call if you’re interested this week or any other time.

What if everyone experienced a HAPPY day on the same day??!!! That would be so cool!!

peas & lub,

-retard

Pretty fucking stupid, right?

Here's my response:

Amazing!

This is so enlightening. All this time I thought life was just some bullshit coincidence that occurred as a result of some cells colliding but now I see it's so much more!!!

I admire the fact that you're able to disregard all logic and reason and grasp at abstract and convoluted concepts in order to justify your existence and behavior in this fucked up world of ours.

I would try and have you register for some dumb-fuck course or website but I don't have anything to offer!!! OMG that's so great though, I wish I did!

I mean, sure we've been fucking for the past few months or so, but what the hell does that mean anyway? I'm sure you've been fucking half the people on this stupid fucking contacts list!

I don't have any websites or churches or cults to recommend to you, but I know that I have a lot of answers to a lot of questions! Granted I'm just a blob of cells and I don't know jack shit but I think that you're the 'wasps articulatio genus', and that means a lot to me!

Well I'm really pleased we could connect in such a way, I feel very privileged and honored to be on such a presitgious contacts list...hopefully you'll subscirbe to my newsletter or whatever...and by subscribe to my newsletter I mean place your penis in my vagina! Which you've done already, so that means you're a preferred customer. Discount for you!

-Cheers and positive vibrations if you know what I mean...eh? ;)

Wholly and totally inappropriate but I just don't care anymore.

Cheers.

A good night...

I did so much fucking cocaine tonight. I feel jittery and nauseous as hell, so it wasn't even good coke.

I made some money though. Good money. Well, good considering how it's been lately. Two years ago this would have been an average/decent night but now it's fucking great.

My first vip was disturbing. It was me, another girl, and a somewhat regular. Not a regular I go to vip with, but he gives me money and buys me drinks. He was nasty, she was nasty and I was freaked out. She actually let him go down on her. Ugh.

My second vip was this coked up mother fucker. He cracked me up. He was getting upset 'cause his dick wasn't getting hard and I was like "dude, you just snorted half of columbia's wealth in cocaine, your dick ain't getting hard anytime soon."

Then another regular of mine came in, scarface asian, and gave me $150 for a few dances. Nice.

I have class tomorrow which sucks 'cause I'm not getting any sleep :(.

Strip club constants

So I worked a million days this week. We have last sat, sun, mon, wed, fri, and tonight. I feel like I live at the goddamn club.

Tonight my little asian came in so I just sat with him all night. I love not having to deal with customers. Customers would come up to me and ask me for dances and I was like "uh, later" but never went. There was a new girl that hung at out table tonight. Super cute.

I was thinking about strip clubs and some things they all have in common. Here's what I came up with:

20% of the girls sell drugs. I don't know if people realize how many girls sell or have sold shit on the side but yeah, it's pretty fucking common.

The male staff will try and sleep with you. I think a lot of people think that after working in a strip club for a while the male employees couldn't care less about the abundance of naked chicks prancing around. False. Men are fucking horny bastards and will try and sleep with every dancer in the club (well, most). Once they realize you aren't down with that they usually give up.

Most of the girls aren't in college. I'd say about 30% do the college thing but about 70% say they're doing the college thing. I did even when I wasn't in school. It's what the men want to hear.

There's drama. Not really a huge surprise; wherever you have this many fucked up girls there's going to be a lot of shit going down all the time. Customers ask about how all the girls get along and we always say "there's not drama, all the girls are really cool and chill here," but that's a lie. Everyone talks shit and gossips about everyone else and there are numerous fights in the dressing room every week.

On another note, I have a date this Tuesday with a 36 year old divorcee with a 6 year old child. What the fuck? It's funny 'cause the other day I was in my car thinking about how old I'm getting and I starting asking myself if I wanted kids. I decided that I should try and date a guy with a kid to see if I liked the whole kid thing and voila-two days later I have a date with a father.

No Stoli O

Work last night was kind of shitty. I think I may skip the concert tonight and go to the club instead :(

I've been experiencing some sort of work guilt lately. I want to go in every night out of fear of missing good customers if I don't. Turns out Tuesday (the night I bailed on) there was a good customer of mine in and I'm kicking myself for skipping. I don't want to become one of those people obsessed with work but it's beginning to be that way. I guess when school starts I'll chill out a bit.

Some girl (the one who occasionally gives me free coke) let me use her black light nail polish at work last night and it is freaking awesome. I was admiring my nails all night. I found out she does a lot of meth which makes me sad. She sells a lot and always seems to be in a good mood and now I understand why. I wish meth weren't so bad for you because it really is so freaking awesome.

The club was out of stoli o last night because they forgot to order it or something. Since that's what I always drink I had to switch it up. Well, I made the mistake of switching it up to jager. Yuck. I did about 7 jager bombs and felt gross. I also blew too high so my friend drove me home.

The Ex and I aren't talking at the moment. It was inevitable, really. I constantly feel like he's punishing me for how I was to him [3 years ago]. He can be such a prick and last Friday I think I said some pretty mean stuff to him. I was drunk (of course), but I remember saying something about how I can see why his ex married some other guy instead of him...ouch.

Needless to say I haven't heard from him since that gem and I haven't bothered making contact. I would apologize but I don't even remember what I said. It kind of sucks because he invited me to go to vegas with him this October and I really wanted to go. We'll see.

I think if I work tonight I'll buy myself a new outfit as a reward.

3 years ago

I skipped out on work tonight. My week was supposed to be sat, sun, mon, tues, wed, sat...etc but now I'll have to work tomorrow and Friday night.

I'm going to a work friend's fiance's concert at this really seedy dive bar on Thursday evening which will be fun.

I decided not to completely waste the evening and get some tanning done in lieu of work. I also ordered over $50 worth of nail polish and accessories online so that's exciting.

I got my hair done today and I was talking to my stylist about my life and realized that I haven't done anything noteworthy over the past three years. Pretty much my biggest accomplishment is that thousands of people have seen me naked.

My attitude has changed a lot in these past years, though.

Below is a excerpt from an email I wrote to my mother after she found out I was working as a stripper. I was so naive then...

I know you've never worked as a stripper, or even set foot in a strip club, but it really is an interesting environment, and I think if you were to ever enter such an establishment, especially as a worker, you'd be surprised. It's not just full of lecherous old men looking at naked women. If you think about it, they can do that at home on their computers for free (and a lot do). I think a large part of it is about the temporary companionship. I can't tell you how many guys I actually took the time to have legitimate conversation with (as opposed to just asking for dances) told me they appreciated the fact that I am able to hold a decent conversation. In the few weeks I've worked thus far I've had more interesting conversations about everything from politics to religion to quantum physics (yup), than I'd had up to that point in my entire life. In life it's rare to just go up to strangers and start conversation with them, but in the strip club environment it's perfectly acceptable. Not to mention you're being paid to converse

I don't think so little of myself, and the job really has had no bearing on my self-esteem. Besides the fact that I love feeling self-sufficient. To be honest, success in this job has less to do with looks, and more to do with sales skills. Some of the top-earners are definitely not 'lookers', but they can hustle like no body's business. A lot of the rest of that paragraph is simply your opinion, so I can't really refute it. And trust me, I take everything told to me there by customers with a grain of salt. I know men can't think clearly, especially when surrounded by half-naked women.

Yes, there are drugs. Yes, a lot of the girls abuse controlled substances (mostly alcohol). I have no interest in the drugs or alcohol. Even if I were able to drink at work, I wouldn't. I see too many girls at the end of the night absolutely trashed in the dressing room, and I know it hurts their money. A lot of the girls claim to need to drink before they can get of stage, well I don't have that problem. There is really no way I could get in trouble by the law unless drugs were found on me, which is not going to happen. If anything this job is more of an anti-drug, seeing all the shit that the other dancers go through.

Ha ha ha. How cute was I? If I had only known.

False vips

I'm pretty fucking drunk right now.

Had two decent nights at work in a row. Unfotunately tonight I blew a .19 so I had the driver drive me home. I want to be skinny but I had too many shots of vodka so fuck that shit.

I did have an hour vip tonight...

First the waitress recommended that I go to the high top in the corner. So I did. They were your typical just divorced mid-forties obnoxious men; enjoying their freedom and all that. The guy I was talking to was starting up an escort agency (again) and trying to get me to be the 'head girl'. I told him I wasn't interested in recruiting girls and being a pimp at this point in my life. He did give me about $100 but they didn't want to do vip and were getting a little to drunk to deal with.

Actually he did agree to vip but as I'm sitting back there waiting for him to get out of the bathroom the waitress comes in and tells me he's changed his mind. I did what any decent stripper would do and abandoned ship.

The waitress then recommended I go to some guys sitting by the wall. Yes ma'am. I had a better feeling about these guys. They were young-mid to late twenties-but I coiuld tell they had money. Originally I sat with a guy in a teal shirt and he asked about vip. I could tell he was slightly disappointed in my description and I was called to stage so I told him I'd come back in a little while.

While I was on stage another dancer comes up to me and tells me one of the guys she's sitting with wants to do a vip with me and that she'll put my name on the list. Yay.

I get off stage and go sit with instant vip guy. He doesn't really know what I'm talking about when I ask if he's ready for vip and it's a no go. At this point I'm getting upset because the night is sucking.

I decide to go back to the rich young guys and sit with a different one.

Side note: right after I get on stage teal shirt young guy gets accosted by a girl who's notoriously dirty and goes to vip with her after about 1 minute of conversation.

The guy I'm sitting with is 27 and fairly attractive. We talk a bit and at this point I'm pretty smashed. We order tequila shots and a makers and coke. Then he says we should spend the rest of the night in vip and we do. Unfortunately at this point the rest of the night is only an hour but he gave me $400 for the hour on card (boo!) and $100 cash tip (yay!). We also ordered more shots in vip. He's pretty decent even though he tried really hard to get me to hang out at his hotel after work. No no and no.

I tipped the waitress and everyone else well because I'm a generous drunk. I think I gave the driver $30 on a $10 ride.

At the end of the night I knew I was far too drunk to drive (.19 bac) so the driver drove me home and now I have a slight hangover and no car.

At least I made over $500 the last two nights I've worked which wouldn't have been a big deal a year ago but is now.

Work sucks

Worked Tuesday and Wednesday night. Both sucked. I feel like that sums up all my nights for the past month.

Tuesday I had one vip early in the night. The guy was alright. He wanted to talk about some really raunchy shit, which two years ago would have made me really uncomfortable but now I don't give a fuck. I'll talk like a fucking pornstar if you pay me.

I also had a regular in but he's one that attracts a million girls and if I leave for a second there's some other bitch in his lap. I only got about $100 from him.

I blew a .18 fairly early in the night and still made it down to a .05 by 3:30. Yes!

Wednesday night was even more dire than Tuesday. We had all the girls from Tuesday 'cause no one made money and then a bunch of other girls that normally work Wednesday. I wasted about 1.5 hours with this obnoxious drunk asshole and only got like $50 out of him. I was pretty pissy all night so I just pouted around and flirted with the bouncer. My friend got an hour and a half vip and was trashed when she came out so I knew I was going to be driving her home. This gave me a reason to ask the manager to leave early and permission was granted. Scarface asian also came in and gave me $200 so I didn't leave entirely broke.

Scarface is cool but he does this weird thing where he grabs your ass cheek while you're dancing for him and jiggles it really fast. Like he's shaking a container of oj or something. I dunno.

I worked 4 nights this week and still only made a grand total of $1400. Fuck that shit.

Hanging out with the Ex tomorrow. He invited me to go on vacation to Canada with him this winter but I don't think I'm going to. I don't understand what he wants from me. I suppose I should just ask him, but that's no fun.

My friends asked me if I could see myself marrying him the other night while we were drinking and I was like,

"NO!!!"

...but really I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that's what's going to happen. The first night I met him I knew he was going to be a main character in my life and it looks like I was right. Meh.

Yay internet

Worked Saturday and Sunday. Both sucked. I made a total of $700. That should one night's income, not two.

On Saturday I sat at the bar and bought myself shots for the first 3 hours of the night. A few guys actually came up to me and tried to start conversation or buy dances but I said 'no thanks'. Maybe not in those words but...yeah. Then little old asian man came in and I sat and danced for him for the rest of the night. Would have made more off of him if these other two skanks didn't come over and invade. It was just supposed to be my friend (who is good friends with old asian) and I, but because old asian man spends so much money all the girls come sniffing around when he's in.

Sunday was just retarded. It was dead and the customers were gross. I had a few customers ask me about vip and as soon as I told them they had to keep their dick in their pants and they couldn't touch anywhere my g-string covered they were all like "ok, thanks for coming by" which translates to "you're not whorey enough for me because I'm a nasty pervert who has to pay for sexual contact and can't even do so in the appropriate environment."

At the end of the night on Sunday I started talking to this dumb young drunk kid who was trying to take out $500 from the atm but kept getting declined. He was only able to take out $100 and promptly handed it over to me but $500 would have been better.

Some girl at work who's been super friendly with me lately invited me to her house warming party next weekend. She had to move out of her place 'cause her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. Strippers sure know how to pick em. She's one of the top girls. Bleach blonde hair, fake boobs, tan skinny body, cute outfits, prissy attitude-she's got it down. I like her though and she gets me customers. Plus she knows all the club gossip so I can feel in the loop after conversing with her.

The Ex texted me last night asking about my new place and inviting me out to go...ROCK CLIMBING! He's so fucking dumb. He knows I don't do the climbing thing. I've told him multiple times that my nails are too long and it's just not that fun for me but still every week he asks. If he'd rather cling on to some stupid fucking (fake) rock than hang out with me that's cool but the sex stops. He's not about to just do what he wants and hang out with his friends and then call me or stop by when he wants to fuck. There must be a 3:1 ratio of hanging out to fucking I've decided.

I don't understand how my coworkers get their significant others to fucking pick them up from work every night at 4 in the fucking morning and that sort of shit and I can't even get a guy who will hang out with me twice a week and maybe pay for a meal or two. I really fucking suck.

My new clean life

Im in my new place and it's really nice. My furniture is beautiful. I'm really bored and lonely though. I've been living with people for the last year and half so I have to get used to being by myself again. Time for all my destructive behaviors to start up again I suppose.

I had a dream about Colorado guy last night. Kinda odd. I can't even remember the content of the dream. I think we were sitting on the couch, which makes sense as it was one of our main activities in conjunction with the consumption of alcohol. I kinda miss him. I flipped out on him last time he called and told him to stop calling me. I was having a shitty night at work and was in a sour mood. Plus I was frustrated at how things were going with the Ex.

The Ex is out of town this weekend. I've been playing tons of chess against the computer. I've probably logged about 50 games so far, which is a lot for fucking chess. I need to get really good so I can beat his cocky ass.

I resume work tomorrow. Yay. Sort of yay.

Checkmate

So I get to actually move into my new place tomorrow. My week of schlepping about not making money and couch/bed jumping is officially over. Yay.

The Ex taught me how to play chess last night so I've been playing online all day today so that I can kick his ass one day. Once I learn something like this I'll be obsessed with it for a while until I get good enough at it to satisfy my ego.

The Ex is pissing me off. I stayed with him last night and I had thoughts of murdering him in his sleep which isn't really a good thing. Besides the fact that our relationship seems to be based on a mutual dislike and often intense hatred for one another, we were getting along quite well. I just don't think he respects me. I get it, a lot of people don't and whatever-I don't really care. I dunno. I think he's watching too much porn and forgetting that those girls are getting paid to act like they like what's going on. It's not real life. That's all I'm going to say about that because this isn't that kind of blog.

I'm working either this Friday or Saturday-haven't decided which. I owe the club $50 for not working last Friday or Saturday which pisses me off. Independent contractor my ass.

I'm participating in a wet t-shirt contest next week at some bar put on by one of my coworkers. She and all her friends are doing the judging so she said I'd probably win and get the $300 cash prize and $50 spa gift thing. What was I saying about respect again?

Random shit

Not working makes me bored. My hours are so crazy that everyone is sleeping when I'm awake and it's boooooring. I haven't even been drinking for the past week and half.

I'm hanging out with my best friend tomorrow. Yay. She works a million hours a week so I hardly get to see her anymore.

Then I'm going to workout with the Ex tomorrow evening and use his house as a hotel for the night. He totally likes me...again. Part of me wants to play along and then when he really really likes me completely destroy him. Like revenge but tenfold. Then another part of me just wants to be happy with him and make him happy. I dunno.

I talked with the last roommate today. We're going out Wednesday night and I'm going to get trashed (even though Thursday is my moving day) because I haven't drank in so long. She told me she slept with the guy she's dating and they forgot?!?! to use a condom...so we'll see what happens.

Speaking of such things, the other night while I was engaging in coitus with the Ex he had the bright idea of splooging on my stomach. I wasn't really paying much attention at this point because I didn't notice that he had taken the condom off and I flipped out. "You weren't wearing a condom!!! What the fuck you fucking retard!" He played along for about a second until he realized that physical harm was about to come his way and then he showed me the condom he had used that was in his hand. Note to guys: it's not that funny.

I made all the arrangements for moving all my crap to my new apartment today. I love moving people-they make my life easier. That's the nice thing about making money; you can pay people to do the stuff you don't want to. Now if I could only make a bit more and hire myself a chef, a driver, and a stylist.

Good luck to t.i. and his short, ugly wife

This has been a work-less week since Tuesday.

I hung out with the Ex yesterday. He told me I could stay with him until my new place is ready but I declined. I don't want to be hanging around his place while he works all day. We went to stone mountain on Saturday and then out to eat. He paid for my dinner which was odd. Then we played this game, mastermind, which I kick ass at. I beat him both times which bothered the hell out of him. He's smarter than me, but I have areas of extreme brilliance. Logic and deduction are some of those areas.

We didn't get to bed 'til 6:00 in the morning and slept until 2:00.

I mentioned that t.i. was getting married this weekend and I was upset about it. He told me that his ex was getting married next weekend. I still feel bad for him about that. Even though he pretty much dumped me to be with her (again), I understand.

I know I make a shitty girlfriend; I've been told this by nearly everyone I've dated. I talked to him about why I'm a crappy girlfriend and he said I'm not needy enough. Too needy is annoying but I act like I could do without completely and it's a blow to the ego. I guess.

He once mentioned how his ex girl was 'head over heels' for him and that's something I could never be. I find it fake. I know girls who do that whole routine and they're the ones who always end up fucking other dudes during the course of their relationships. Remember, if she's easily wowed by you she's easily wowed by others as well.

No one is that special.