Here it is.

Here I've outlined my thoughts and actions on a typical work night. We'll start with the pre-work ritual.

-Shave (armpits, pubes, and legs). Think about what drink I'll be making in a few minutes.

-Fix up hair, assemble outfit and put in the stripper bag. Remind myself that I need to buy some new outfits.

-Make a drink. Nothing too strong, maybe two shots worth of alcohol, just enough to ensure a slight buzz.

-Sip on drink and apply makeup. Contemplate trying something new, and then end up resorting to the same old work look.

-Surf the internet one last time and start to feel buzzed. Excitement for what the night ahead holds starts to build.

-Drive to work blasting my pre-work music (crappy hip-hop). Still feel pretty optimistic about the night.

-Drive by parking lots and notice the fullness of the stripper lot and emptiness of the customer lot. Uneasy feeling starts to accumulate in pit of stomach.

-Park and then go through mental tug of war of whether or not to stay and go back home.

-Decide to stick it out; walk to valet office and hand off keys. Realize that I'm stuck here 'till the end of my shift. Uneasy feeling starts to well up.

-Walk into dressing room and see a bunch of half-naked bitches. Try and see how many hot girls are working tonight while finding a space on the counter. If the number is less than 5, feel excited. If there are more than 5, feel miserable.

-Change into stupid looking work outfit. Notice the alcohol pudge starting to accumulate. Poke at it a bit. Notice the lack of fake boobs and consider asking another girl for some surgeon references.

-Touch up makeup. Take longer than necessary as a procrastination measure.

-Start to exit the dressing room, but stop to apply some Victoria's Secret body spray. Pretend to pick out a specific scent, but this is just another procrastination measure.

-Walk out onto the floor. Take a quick inventory of customers. All fucking cheap-I can tell. Walk to the back bar.

-Sit at a bar stool and talk shit with the bartender. Occasionally glance out at the floor and feel a seething hatred for every man out there.

-An hour has gone by. Seething hatred has morphed into resignation. Decide to go out and try to gather up some cash.

-Spend the next 5 hours drinking, giggling and pretending to be interested in what the dumb men are saying. Hopefully dance a few times.

-Start to get antsy about leaving. Check the time every 15 mintues. Bitch about the money I've made to a friend if one's avaliable. No more drinking.

-3:30-run back to the dressing room like a bat out of hell and get my pass to leave. Tip out and mildly flirt with staff to retain good standings.

-Get dressed as quickly as humanly possible and go out to get keys from valet.

-Enter vehicle and feel happy that I made it through another night. Drive home carefully as to not get pulled over.

-Get back to my apartment and enter quietly as to not disturb the roommate. Consider entering his room and jumping into bed with him. Remember that he hates my guts.

-Go into my room and count my money. Mood elevates greatly if money count is good, remains stable if not. Put supplies away.

-Shower and drink some powerade before bed to stave off any hangovers. Jump into bed.

-Start thinking about if I'm going to work tomorrow. Decide I should. Probably won't.

FML

I'm unhappy with my life for the following reasons:

-I'm a college dropout
-I have an alcohol problem
-I'm a stripper and don't see the end in sight
-I have barely any friends
-I never find guys that I like enough to date
-I live with someone who I inexplicably care about more than I should who's completely indifferent to my existence
-I don't have any hobbies

Almost all of these things are completely within my control to change.