Ice pellets

Money wasn't too good for me yesterday (I was just short of my $500), but work was pretty fun. A girl who I haven't seen for a while was there and she cracks my shit up. She got a real job so she only works Saturdays now, and I hardly ever work them. We get a half hour vip at the very end of the night and it was hilarious. The guy was super dumb, drunk, and had no sense of humor, which made it all the better. I swear, I'm emotionally 14.

When I got to work last night it was ice pelleting (I hear it's called sleet) on my car.

The bouncer is relentless in his pursuit of me. I'm surprised he hasn't given up yet.

A customer referred to me as one of the 'top girls' last night. It wasn't just a random customer, but a guy who comes in a lot and knows many of the girls. We were talking about money and how much money strippers make considering how many hours we put in (I've realized that if I worked 40 hours a week at the club I'd be making over $100,000 a year) and he said that we do make a ridiculous amount of money, 'especially the top girls like me, sparkle, and cinnamon' (names have been changed for privacy purposes). I never really think of myself as such, but I have been at the club for a while, and considering my very low key hustle (no hustle at all, really) I do pretty well.

I got an email from the ex-roomie last night, we're so silly.

I am excited about New Year's Eve! Free sake all night, and my outfit is sick.

Hungover

Ugh. Last night was terrible. I ended up not going in to work 'cause I had tanned that day and the bed I was in must have had new bulbs or something 'cause I looked crispy by the time night rolled around. I knew I wouldn't have enough confidence to deal with people looking like a fucking lobster so I went to the liquor store instead.

Then I get a text from an acquaintance of mine (some guy who takes me to nice restaurants and stuff in hopes that I'll fuck him, but I won't) about going to another club and eating sushi. For some reason I decided that would be better than staying in and drinking so I went. Not before downing two shots of vodka. The club was really nice but so so dead.

Had about 5 more shots and a large thing of sake. I got some dances, and then met a chick who used to work at my club and I guess we hit it off 'cause I noticed her number in my phone this morning.

I started to feel pretty bad so we left and I actually had to have my acquaintance pull over on the way home so I could puke. How classy.

I got home, puked some more and passed the fuck out. Then when I woke up this morning with super dehydration I realized I was out of powerade and had to make a trip to the gas station to get some.

I went shopping today and got my shoes for new year's eve. I LOVE them. They're are exactly what I pictured in my head and that hardly ever happens. They were only $50.00, too. Yay.

I'm working tomorrow night, so we'll see how that is.

Nothing spectacular

Last night was pretty great. I nearly made $1,000 and my shift was only a little over 5 hours.

I had three 1/2 hour vips, all were tolerable.

I find it hilarious when customers who I have seen and even talked with before start asking me how long I've worked here and when I tell them nearly two years and they act surprised. "Really?!?!?! I've never seen you before!" Yes you have, retard.

I started tanning again, and while I fucking hate that shit I notice that I make more money when I'm a bit less pale. Is cancer worth an extra $200-$300 a week? I dunno.

My last vip of the night was this young asian dude who talked like a California stoner guy and just sat there and smoked cigarettes the whole time. Freaking hilarious. He's coming back tonight with some more people, so hopefully he'll be good for a couple hundred.

I really need to get some new outfits and shoes. What always happens is I'll buy a new outfit and wear it once and then decide I don't like it and never wear it again. I have about 4 old standbys that I always end up wearing week after week-but I doubt the men really care about such things.

Mr. California

So there was this guy that I met last September (2008) that I am pretty sure was my soulmate. Anyways, I was looking at pictures of him on myspace and I noticed he's sporting a ring on his marriage ring finger, so fuck that.

I'm working tonight and I have high hopes. I worked the Sunday-Monday-Tuesday before new year's eve lineup last year and had an excellent week. Probably going to be another case of go in with high hopes, leave dejected a la last Wednesday.

On another note, I somehow turned on the overwrite function so now whenever I need to fix something in my entry it overwrites the next letter and I have to retype everything. Any idea how to fix this?

Christmas eve eve

I suppose I didn't really address work in my last post so here's the night before the night before Christmas breakdown.

Not as good as expected. I don't really know why I expected it to be great-I guess I felt like a lot of people would be out partying before 'family time'.

We had so many girls. Girls I hadn't seen in months. I think we had around 60, which for a club that size is a lot.

I had a customer in, but he's kind of a pain in the ass. He always buys me tons of drinks. I think he thinks if he can get me fucked up enough he can get away with more in VIP. I dunno. I could tell he was getting aggravated last night and I only got ~200 out of him.

Near the end of the night there was this really fucked up guy who kept handing me $20s and having me dance for random dudes in the club. I think he gave me around $150-200 total.

All in all it wasn't a terrible night money-wise, just a lot of girls which is annoying to me for some reason.

Tomorrow is Christmas. Yay I guess.

my email

so here's the email i just sent my ex-roommate:

Holy crap-i just puked my brains out. I feel like my liver is not doing so well, even though I know you have to drink for a lot longer than I have to really fuck your shit up. I remember when I first started stripping I would make fun of the girls who had to drink to make it through the night and now I'm one of them. I guess it's just the natural progression of things. I don't even like alcohol anymore. Sorry I'm emailing you this shit, it's just good to tell someone who I don't really associate with 'cause i have very specific relationships with the people i know and i don't want to fuck that shit up. I kinda wish I had never started stripping and I had never met you, i guess the two are somewhat related in my head. I feel bad about my roommate, i never talk to him 'cause i feel like that will avoid any 'conflicts' but I'm pretty sure he thinks i'm an antisocial cunt. I guess I kinda am.

It's been 2 years

So I worked Tuesday, Thursday and Friday last week. All went quite well.

Sometimes when I think about what guys spend in a strip club I get freaked out. On Friday I had a guy tip me a $20 on stage and then pay $40 for a dance (dance prices are $10/song). That's $60 in about 5 minutes. Then I realized that maybe he makes $500,000/year and what he spent on me in equivalent to me getting a value meal at Wendy's. Or maybe he's scraping by on $30,000/year and has a problem. Who knows.

The waitresses have been introducing me to a lot of customers lately...I don't know what that's about. I'm never sure if I should tip them for it...I guess if the customer they put me with spends over $200 on me it would be appropriate to give a 10-20% tip. I might try that next week.

I can't believe I've been stripping for 2 years now. So much for the get in and get out strategy.

I just don't understand sex. I'm not a sexual person and I feel like I don't have sexuality. I just happen to be young and cute and guys aren't perceptive of the fact that there's nothing actually sexy about me. When guys ask me sexual stuff, e.g., what's your favorite position, thing to do in bed, etc., I just giggle and give some stupid answer about how it depends on the situation. What am I supposed to say? I couldn't care less about sex and I'm grossed out by your boner?

I miss L and I'm pissed off about it. Every time I start getting pouty about it I just have to wonder what the fuck my problem is. He didn't like me-he made that clear. He's not the first guy I've have sex with. I didn't even like him at first. I should have never given him my number.

I hate that we play these stupid games. One of us will ignore the other and the ignored one will do stupid shit to get the other's attention. Then the cycle reverses. I feel like he should just ignore me once and for all since he's the 32 year old.

I don't understand how he could complaim about me crawling into bed with him once in a boue moon, and then a week later come into my room and jump in my bed. Extreme cognitive dissonance?

I hate that he likes stupid girls because he thinks stupid = happy.

I hate that he thinks he's enlightened, yet went out of his was to buy a bed 3 weeks before he had to move (when he had been without one for the previous 5 months) because there was a chance that a girl might have been staying the night.

I hate that he goes out of his way to mention that a girl is coming over or he's at a girl's house when it has nothing to do with the conversation. What's the point in trying to make me jealous?

For someone who claims that the ego is the root of all evil, he sure has a gigantic one. He should lead a cult-I feel like he has the personality and is delusional enough to be effective at it.

Would you be offended...

Work on Sunday sucked. I did about 4 dances on the floor and got replaced in my one and only VIP.

I sat with this guy that I recognized from about a year ago. He was a total coke head scum bag, but he had a lot of money and I remember doing 1 1/2 hours with him last time and him being manageable.

Well, I had to go on stage and while I was up there another girl went and sat with him. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know I was there, and clearly he didn't tell her to leave, so whatever. I know she's a good hustler and can often get guys into VIP, so I figured it might be to my advantage that she was there.

After my set I went and sat back down and we all talked. Finally he agreed to a room with both of us and things were looking good. Unfortunately he had already withdrawn too much cash from his account and his bank wouldn't let him take any more out of the ATM, so the room and our money had to go on credit.

When we got up there things seemed to be going well, the girl I was with was sort of taking control and I was just swaying along in the background. We were in the most private vip, which always worries me because that's the one where the most shit goes down.

Anyway, my fellow dancer started to get really nasty and it made me very uncomfortable so I just faced the other way and pretended this wasn't happening. I could tell the guy was annoyed that I wasn't being as...friendly, and at the end of the first half-hour the girl turns to me and asks, "Would you be offended if we brought up another girl?"

Whatever, I didn't want to be there for that shit anyways. So she brought up some other girl who was probably just as raunchy as her and they stayed for another hour.

I spent the rest of the night bitching to the floor guys about the customers and acting like a retard with a fellow dancer who was in a rotten mood like me.

On another note, I didn't drink at all that night. Mostly due to the fact that I partied a bit hard over the weekend and was coming down from various substances which made me feel sad.

I miss L ("the ex-roommate").

Back to work again

Tonight is going to be my first night back to work after a week and half long hiatus. Blah.

I'm getting tired of this job but the money is so damn nice.

I've been smoking a lot of weed lately, but unfortunately I've realized I must get a shitty weed high because it's certainly not as great as most people make it out to be.

I think I'm going to be moving out west in March, so that will be exciting! Then it's back to Tech in the fall and hopefully a degree sometime after that.

Well, off to get naked and pretend to like it.

Happy Thanksgiving

Sometimes my life is so crazy that I have trouble believing it.

I feel like I can't even talk about some of the stuff that goes on because you can never really be anonymous on the internet.

Well, I guess I can say that this Thanksgiving was fruitful and it will be one that I never forget.

Painless week (sort of).

I worked a lot last week and it was a fairly fruitful one. Made over $500 every night I worked, which in these times I'm very happy with.

On Thursday I had 2 vips.

The first one was a half hour and he was the adorable 'never been to a strip club' type. I could tell right away by the way he kept his hands to his side like a good boy. Easy Peasy.

The second guy was pretty awesome as well. I sat with him for almost the whole night, but I got close to $600 out of him, so it's all good. I actually enjoyed him as a person, which is rare.

Both guys were married, though. This job makes me feel quite skeptical about marriage. I doubt I'll ever get married anyways. I don't really have much to offer another human being.

I'm working this Thanksgiving, so hopefully that will be good.

On the other hand, I crashed into a tile floor last night and probably have a concussion as well as a nasty bruise on my hip/thigh. At the time of impact I was stoned and had been drinking so I didn't feel much of the pain. Today is a different story.

What's wrong with men

So my friend won't shut up about how she still loves her ex and it's driving me crazy. Every single day she's moaning about how she loves him and is going to kill herself and blah blah blah.

He is a fucking asshole. If someone doesn't care enough about you to act like a civil fucking human being towards you why would you waste your time and energy on that person.

She's been dating a ton but I guess she hasn't found anyone she's clicked with. I'm not sure men really understand the notion of 'clicking'. It seems to me that they are mostly concerned with fucking and how many drinks they're going to have to buy before the fucking happens.

It's this general attitude that makes me want to kill them. I fantasize about it far more than anyone should. I don't know why I have such a problem with sex. If I were certain that in every case the female wants to have sex just for the sake of sex just as badly as the man, then it wouldn't bother me. What bothers me is that men see it as just sex. They don't care about the person whose vagina they're penetrating, they care about the vagina. A lot of women don't realize this and think there's more to it. There's not.

Men are scum and they don't even have much control over it. I just want to see them suffer.

When bad turns to great

Wednesday night started out horribly. I was in a piss poor mood and just stood around glaring at customers all night.

At around 2:00 I had accepted the fact that the night had been a bust and decided I'd just try again tomorrow. Then, as I was dancing for some regulars I noticed a guy staring at me in the corner. He was wearing a baseball cap and a t-shirt, but I just had a feeling about him.

I decided to approach, and after about 2 minutes of small-talk he asked if I wanted to spend the rest of the night in VIP. Fuck an A!

He was fairly obnoxious in vip, but at $400 an hour I can't complain. At one point he did pull out some coke but I faced the other way and let him do his shit.

So the night turned out waaaaaay better than I expected and I didn't have to work Thursday.

The life of a stripper.

Could of been the champagne

So I overdid it a bit on the champagne last night, but it's not that often that I get to drink champagne that costs more than $10.

Work was decent last night, so hopefully tonight will be the same.

Lots of clubs in the area have been raided lately so management said that they're going to start checking in on vips. One girl has already been fired for blowing some guy back there. Hopefully this will thin the herd a little.

Holiday season usually sucks, especially with the economic situation as it is right now. At least I have Thanksgiving to look forward to, it's been good to me in the past.

I'm investing in some porcelain veneers this December, so I'm excited about that. Pretty cool that I can afford such a thing at 21, considering it's going to cost around 8 grand.

philosophical bullshit

Work sucked hard tonight.

I'm over this job but I can't quit. I'm addicted to the money.

There's a girl who keeps trying to get me to join her soft core porn site and I'm considering it. I don't want to deal with people in person anymore. I get angry-physically mad-at the customers.

I don't want a future. I don't want to finish school and get a 'respectable' job. I don't want a boyfriend or a house or kids or a dog. I don't want friends. I just want to make money and buy the things I want and take solace in the fact that I care about no one.

I just want to know that people want me but can never have me. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a personality. I try and think about how I feel and what constitutes those feelings and there's nothing. Just blankness.

I find it impossible to make the things I say and do reflect how I really feel because I don't know. I can't grasp the concept of other peoples' feelings. I only feel bad for myself.

Bringing Pops to the Titty Bar

So I completely forgot to post about a little something that occurred last Sunday...My old roommate decided to drop by the club, and he brought a guest!

His stepdad.

Now if that isn't just the trashiest, most redneck thing to do, then I don't know what is. Seeing that he's pretty much trailer trash sans the trailer (how he was blessed with above average intelligence I'll never know) it wasn't all that surprising-but still annoying. He did the same thing with a friend of his a while back (brought him to my club), which wasn't as bad, but still obnoxoius. It's like he's saying, "Hey look, I fucked this girl and she's a stripper, hur-de-durrr. Even though there wasn't much fucking, and the fucking that did occur was horrible, small details like this don't matter to men.

Needless to say I ignored the both of them and got trashed in the meantime. I got a customer to buy me half a new outfit, so the night wasn't a total wash.

I took a bit of time off last week (3 nights), but this week it will be back to work.

.00

So I blew a .00 at work tonight for the first time in a while. It feels pretty good to be able to drive my own vehicle home, I must say.

My new roommate is really cool. It's strange having a roommate who is actually nice and friendly and doesn't act like an asshole 99% of the time. He will wash my dishes, take out the trash, offer to cook for me...it's great.

I've been working a lot lately. Tonight I was in VIP with some other girls and they were gross. As soon as I walked in, and I was the last girl to do so, I knew that I was going to be in for a disturbing time. I really tried to keep my guy's eyes on me so he wouldn't feel gipped or left out. Ugh.

Marriage

"Marriage is just prostitution prepaid and purchased at wholesale price."

Shitty coke in the parking lot

So a friend and I hung out in little five a few nights ago for the purpose of watching her friend's band. I don't often go to little five to party because it's just not my 'scene'. I'm not really into the whole dirty pbr drinking hippy thing.

Anyways, when we arrived there weren't many people there. Maybe....15. I felt like it was going to be a pretty lame night, but I'd stick it out. I went and ordered a stoli o shot from the bar and sat perched to people watch. There were some interesting characters in there. From the far-too-old to be here creepy guy to the heroin skinny skanky girl with her douche-bag boyfriend, quite an odd assortment. And then the dancing. Hipsters dance like epileptic squirrels.

So about 2/3 way through the night some northern accent having asshole comes up to me and starts making conversation. He buys me a few drinks (YAY) and proceeds to talk my ear off about his baby mama up in Detroit and blah blah blah. About 30 minutes into the conversation he asks me if I want to do some coke. What is with guys at the bar/club approaching me with coke. Do I look like a fucking coke addict? Anyways I partook in the snorting of said coke (which wasn't that awful) which must have caused the guy to think he had the right to suck my face off. I not-so-politely declined stating that 'I have no idea where your mouth has been'.

You think I'm going to fuck you because you gave me some drugs? Fuck off. Yeah, that's all really.

All alone again...

Holy crap I miss living alone!!!

Slow

Work has been so slow lately. Last night I showed up late (around 10:00) and it was dead. It remained dead all night. At 2:00 it was probably the most busy it had been all night and there were still tons of open tables.

I talked with this one customer who used to come in all the time and thinks he's tight with all the girls. He is always telling me how him and so-and-so are like this (crosses fingers) and how he hangs out with her and her family and blah blah blah. This guy is short, really short, like 5'1 or something, pretty heavy and unattractive. He's knows this and the titty bar is the only place he can get pretty girls to talk to him I guess. If I had a soul I'd be a little saddened by this.

Then I got a VIP with this guy who was a real mushy type. Great VIP, though. He was giving me a back rub and actually asked me if I could take my bra off. I was confused; you mean you aren't going to immediately attack my breasts with your hands with the intensity of someone who hasn't touched a boob in decades...

My bartender is still out of town so I've been sober at work lately. Boring, but nice being able to drive my own car home.

Good Customer, Bad Roommate

Work has been very slow lately, though my money hasn't been too bad; I feel it's mostly because I end up getting lucky.

My bartender is out of the country for two weeks, which means no free drinks at the bar for me (or free rides home). Probably a good thing considering I'm an alcoholic. Right now I'm experiencing some vitamin B2 deficiency, which is apparently fairly common in people suffering from alcoholism.

I'm working tonight and hoping that one of my good customers comes in. This could be considered a regular, but I often forget about him because he's so easy. I actually met him at my last club and then we ran into eachother a year or so down the road at my current one. He's a really smart guy so when he starts talking about work related stuff a lot of it goes over my head, but that's ok. You can pay me to not understand what you're talking about anytime.

My roommate is moving out at the end of August, it's for the best I guess. He's been kind of edgy lately but he's the type of person who always insists that nothing's wrong and he's happy and zen all the time. I've been a bit immature at times regarding him, but it's only 'cause I liked him.

Some girl was getting fired last night as I was leaving work. I heard the manager telling her she can't do 'that kind of stuff" in VIP, so I'm guessing she was being a whore. Good, I'm glad she's gone.

I feel pretty apathetic about life right now. I'm not upset or excited. I guess it's a good thing.

Confused

I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I think about bad things I've done that no one knows about and I get freaked out. I'll be paranoid for a few days that people are catching on and they know.

Why do people do things that they know they'll regret. Is immediate gratification that important...

Every so often I'll get in a mood. I get this feeling of complete control. Everything I say and do is just to evoke a certain reaction to amuse me. I don't care about any of these people or things. It's a state of complete selfishness. I can get whatever I want and do anything to get it. No remorse or regret. Every feeling that I emote is fake-just another tool to achieve what I want.

Then other times I do a 180. I wonder about everyone else. Why people do the things they do to eachother. About people who get married and supposedly love eachother more than anything in the world, and then go and get divorced a few years later and never speak again. Were those feelings they had real? How can you love someone so much and then just cease to care about them out of nowhere.

Wednesday night was my first night back after a 2 week hiatus.

I made absolutely no money until 11:15.

I did do a lot of shots with the bartender, the floor guy, the dj, and the manager!

I was saved by an hour VIP with a guy who i've been to VIP with a few times before.

He didn't remember me as evidenced by his exit statement: "I had a really good time, I think we have a lot of chemistry."

...

I blew too high so I wasn't able to drive home. I tried to call my roommate to pick me up but his phone was off. I got a ride from the bartender (who's in love with me).

When I got home I didn't see my roommate's car in the lot so I checked his room. He was there-along with some random girl in his bed. Whatever.

I was far more upset than I should have been. Mostly because he couldn't bring me to my car the next morning. God forbid he goes out of his way to help me out. The fucking universe might collapse inside itself or something.

I'm moving in a month. I can't wait.

Here it is.

Here I've outlined my thoughts and actions on a typical work night. We'll start with the pre-work ritual.

-Shave (armpits, pubes, and legs). Think about what drink I'll be making in a few minutes.

-Fix up hair, assemble outfit and put in the stripper bag. Remind myself that I need to buy some new outfits.

-Make a drink. Nothing too strong, maybe two shots worth of alcohol, just enough to ensure a slight buzz.

-Sip on drink and apply makeup. Contemplate trying something new, and then end up resorting to the same old work look.

-Surf the internet one last time and start to feel buzzed. Excitement for what the night ahead holds starts to build.

-Drive to work blasting my pre-work music (crappy hip-hop). Still feel pretty optimistic about the night.

-Drive by parking lots and notice the fullness of the stripper lot and emptiness of the customer lot. Uneasy feeling starts to accumulate in pit of stomach.

-Park and then go through mental tug of war of whether or not to stay and go back home.

-Decide to stick it out; walk to valet office and hand off keys. Realize that I'm stuck here 'till the end of my shift. Uneasy feeling starts to well up.

-Walk into dressing room and see a bunch of half-naked bitches. Try and see how many hot girls are working tonight while finding a space on the counter. If the number is less than 5, feel excited. If there are more than 5, feel miserable.

-Change into stupid looking work outfit. Notice the alcohol pudge starting to accumulate. Poke at it a bit. Notice the lack of fake boobs and consider asking another girl for some surgeon references.

-Touch up makeup. Take longer than necessary as a procrastination measure.

-Start to exit the dressing room, but stop to apply some Victoria's Secret body spray. Pretend to pick out a specific scent, but this is just another procrastination measure.

-Walk out onto the floor. Take a quick inventory of customers. All fucking cheap-I can tell. Walk to the back bar.

-Sit at a bar stool and talk shit with the bartender. Occasionally glance out at the floor and feel a seething hatred for every man out there.

-An hour has gone by. Seething hatred has morphed into resignation. Decide to go out and try to gather up some cash.

-Spend the next 5 hours drinking, giggling and pretending to be interested in what the dumb men are saying. Hopefully dance a few times.

-Start to get antsy about leaving. Check the time every 15 mintues. Bitch about the money I've made to a friend if one's avaliable. No more drinking.

-3:30-run back to the dressing room like a bat out of hell and get my pass to leave. Tip out and mildly flirt with staff to retain good standings.

-Get dressed as quickly as humanly possible and go out to get keys from valet.

-Enter vehicle and feel happy that I made it through another night. Drive home carefully as to not get pulled over.

-Get back to my apartment and enter quietly as to not disturb the roommate. Consider entering his room and jumping into bed with him. Remember that he hates my guts.

-Go into my room and count my money. Mood elevates greatly if money count is good, remains stable if not. Put supplies away.

-Shower and drink some powerade before bed to stave off any hangovers. Jump into bed.

-Start thinking about if I'm going to work tomorrow. Decide I should. Probably won't.

FML

I'm unhappy with my life for the following reasons:

-I'm a college dropout
-I have an alcohol problem
-I'm a stripper and don't see the end in sight
-I have barely any friends
-I never find guys that I like enough to date
-I live with someone who I inexplicably care about more than I should who's completely indifferent to my existence
-I don't have any hobbies

Almost all of these things are completely within my control to change.

Wants

I would love nothing more right now than a huge pile of cocaine in front of me.

Hmmm

So I was reading another stripper blog and this passage really stood out

"...but when it comes down to it, i think we're all on the same level playing field. i think it affects you no matter what, and it damages you. i very rarely see (i can't think of any, actually, but that doesn't mean i haven't come across one) a stripper in a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. maybe i'm not cut out for this. " -stripperbarbie

Nothing unusual

I have hardly worked at all in the past few months. I'm so lazy and work hasn't been all the busy lately.

I can't believe I've been doing this for more than a year now. I've been at my current club for a year now, which means I have to get my permit renewed. Another 300 dollars down the drain.

My regular who's been keeping me supplied with a steady stream of coke and opiates is about to fly the coup, so to speak. I can tell he's unhappy with the fact that I'm never going to meet him OTC.

My lease is up in two months, which means that I'm probably going to move again. Moving is a love/hate thing for me. On one hand I like being some place new, on the other I hate having to physically move all of my stuff. My furniture is fucking heavy. I think I might sell it and get
some cheap IKEA shit.

I can't wait to go on vacation or something. I like having stuff to look forward to.

I don't know what to do.

My roommate situation is not going well at all. He treats me terribly-and only me. I see how he acts with his 'friends' and family and it's night and day. The other day he had the audacity to tell me to buy him a whole new bottle of ketchup after I asked if I could use a little bit for my fries. We're talking a teaspoon sized amount.

This is after I've: driven him to and from his job while his car was in the shop, picked his drunk ass up from some bars downtown at 4:30 in the morning even though he was a complete asshole to me the entire week. Let him borrow money to go rock-climbing because his drunk ass lost his debit card. Then when I brought up an incident that happened a while ago involving him not letting me borrow a stamp he told me to 'not make this personal.' Fuck him.

I'm trying so hard to be nice to this man and it's not effective. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. It's hard enough living with this person who I still inexplicably have feelings for. I cannot deal with his animosity towards me.

Last night I went out and ended up doing coke with some old married dude in the sleazy bathroom of a shitty little bar. My coping skills are obsolete.

Tonight I'm going into work because my regular is going to be there and I know he'll have plenty of drugs that I know I'm going to end up ingesting because I'm fucking miserable right now.

I just don't know what to do. Every day is painful and I just don't want to deal with anything any more.

Pissed off.

Everyone in my life seems extra incompetent right now.

My retarded roommate has invited his pregnant sister to stay with us at our apartment until she has her kid. I like his sister, she's a really cool girl, and I really have no problem with her staying for a few weeks. The problem is that dumb-fuck roommate is going out of town for 5 days while his sister (and her sketchy boyfriend) crashes at our place. I don't care if you invite a family member in need to stay with you but don't be so fucking inconsiderate as to skip town for a week. Now I have to put my life on hold so he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Selfish fuck.

I'm so sick of work and haven't made jack shit lately.

I hardly ever go to school, so I can't complain too much about that, but I'm not doing that well due to my lack of attendance.

I'm super grumpy because I'm hungry and have to lose 5 lbs by Monday and I just want everyone to die.

Would you like some oxy with that cash?

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm falling into the stripper trap. A lifestyle that I know is unhealthy and damaging, yet I find it alluring. Sometimes I just want to be irresponsible and out-of-control and be too fucked up to give a damn.

The other night I tried some oxycontin that a good customer of mine brought it. It was pretty powerful stuff, and the fact that I was drinking didn't help matters. The feeling was intensely wonderful immediately after ingestion, but a few hours later I was fucked up beyond repair. I remember on the drive home (a short one, thankfully) I was so acutely aware of everything around me; a combination of paranoia and the drugs, probably. Then as I was laying on the couch time would just stop momentarily. I wondered if I was dying, but not in a panicky way. The next day I had a pretty decent hangover.

I'm working tonight-St. Patrick's Day, which is exciting because I have a St. Patrick's Day garter. I've been only working 1-2 days a week lately, but luckily I've been doing pretty well monitarily.

It's somewhat difficult living with my current roommate. Not because he's messy or obnoxious or anything so concrete. It's just difficult living with someone who you've dated, no matter how terrible the relationship was. I think it's just a case of wanting what you can't have and not caring about what you do.

$$$

I had my first + $1,000 night the other night. It was wonderful; paid my rent and all my months bills in one night of work.

It's been six months

I'm working this Valentines day; I'm hoping all the rich lonelies will be out. I remember the club calling me last Valentines day asking if I could work, but I was tired and turned them down. The fact that they called leads me to believe they didn't have a lot of girls, so hopefully that rings true this year.

Generally I find holidays to be pretty good due to low turnout of girls and mostly depressed, lonely customers.

I'm moving again-in less than a month. This time I'll have a roommate, so we'll see how that goes. Hopefully this one is cleaner than the last.

I was in the process of moving when I started this thing, and I have to admit, the last six or so months have been the least eventful of my life. I had no school, very few friends, no projects, and sporadic work. Hopefully things'll be more exciting in the months to come.

School is pretty much a non-entity right now. I'm having a hard time putting in any effort and I just don't care and cannot convince myself otherwise. Luckily I do have a project of sorts in the works, so we'll see where that takes me.

I hate whole foods.

We had 67 girls last Tuesday. Crazy.

I went to Whole Foods today 'cause I haven't been there in a while. I hate Whole Foods, I just had to remind myself why. I found this article on the web that sums up how I feel perfectly. "Whole Foods is a cult. The whole notion of organic foods is cultish. Genetically-engineered foods aren’t more dangerous than organic hybrids, at least not according to almost every reputable scientific organization on the planet (i.e. the NAS and the WHO). And chemical fertilizers aren’t more dangerous than slathering crops with cow dung.
But what’s truly galling is that Whole Foods pretends to be pro-environment, when the opposite is true. By only supporting organic foods with far lower crop yields than typical foods, they ensure that more farmland will be needed to grow food. That means less wilderness and fewer wildlife habitats. Of course, the lefties don’t seem to care much about this — at least not when they’re kvetching about "agribusiness."
The worst part is that Whole Foods wants to get the government involved. They want to require labeling of all non-organic foods, even though it has been consistently shown that genetic-engineering of crops poses no prevailing danger, nor does the use of chemical pesticides. So why do they want this? Presumably to scare folks off from normal supermarkets and into their dung-smothered organic paradise. That’s the kind of low business practices that should scare off any truth and freedom-loving consumer" -Owen Courreges http://lonestartimes.com/2005/03/13/yes-texas-whole-foods-is-a-cult/

Not to mention their prices are ridiculous-especially for their store made stuff. $7.00 for some gummy looking falafel balls? No thanks. Plus, the tangelos that I bought there are horrid; their fancy decor and pretty displays can't fool me.

I'm feckless, contentious, egotistical, lazy....

Work has been slow lately. Post holiday season is always pretty rough-but it'll improve.

I was stalking around (I'm a firm believer that everyone does this) on myspace and noticed the popularity of self-descriptive lists on profiles. Most lists look something like this: I am witty, courageous, helpful, dependable, funny, on and on with every cliche positive trait ever 'invented'.

Give me a fucking break. I don't look at your profile to find out that you're helpful-matter of fact, I already know you're a selfish cunt, so spare me. I'm on there to find out who you're dating, who the baby daddy of your unborn child is, who's commenting on your wall, and to look at skanky pictures of you and your drunk skanky friends.

Drinkers Beware

Monday night started out like every other Monday night at the club. Slow, too many girls, cold as fuck, no where else I'd rather be!

Around 12:30-after maybe 4 shots, I guess I started to feel unwell and wandered into the dressing room. Then I proceeded to vomit in the trashcan and pass out on the floor. In addition to calling and texting some people (looking at my phone records most of the numbers I attempted to dial didn't even exist). Someone came and picked me up (off the floor and from work) and I woke up 4 or 5 hours later to throw up again. I remember very little.

At first I assumed I had just drank too much, but after some deliberation I've decided I was probably slipped some GHB (you know, affectionately known as date rape drug) some time during the night. There's no way I would react like that to only 4 shots (over a 3 hour period). I went from fairly sober to vomitting and passing out in a matter of minutes. It happens more often than it should at these sorts of establishments (and regular clubs as well) and I've heard many stories from girls about being drugged at work.

I going to go ahead and assume that the 'doctor of internal medicine' may have been the culprit. Creepy old prick who left pretty suddenly with plenty of cash in hand. I also (stupidly) let him order me a shot while I was in the bathroom.

If anyone actually reads this-remember-NEVER leave a drink unattended in the presence of strangers (or even creepster friends). I don't even understand the mentality of someone drugging a stripper at the club. It's not like you can molest me out on the floor with dozens of people and big strong bouncers lounging around. So be careful everyone-GHB isn't as fun as you may think!

Tired.

I'm tired of being a stripper.

If all el$e fail$...

I made a shit-load of money this past week (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday) so I've been in a pretty decent mood. If all else fails, money will put me in a good mood.

Did a VIP with two guys and another girl in one of our small VIP rooms-was absolutely hilarious. Both guys (young ones) were very drunk and mine was pretty fucking attractive. And I wasn't even drunk like I usually am when I find customers attractive.

Both my friends ditched me and our New Year's Eve plans last minute in order to pursue their own agendas. Whatever; I've known for a while now that I have pretty shitty friends.

School starts in a week.

I can't wait to work this week and hopefully make tons of money!