Wants

I would love nothing more right now than a huge pile of cocaine in front of me.

Hmmm

So I was reading another stripper blog and this passage really stood out

"...but when it comes down to it, i think we're all on the same level playing field. i think it affects you no matter what, and it damages you. i very rarely see (i can't think of any, actually, but that doesn't mean i haven't come across one) a stripper in a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. maybe i'm not cut out for this. " -stripperbarbie

Nothing unusual

I have hardly worked at all in the past few months. I'm so lazy and work hasn't been all the busy lately.

I can't believe I've been doing this for more than a year now. I've been at my current club for a year now, which means I have to get my permit renewed. Another 300 dollars down the drain.

My regular who's been keeping me supplied with a steady stream of coke and opiates is about to fly the coup, so to speak. I can tell he's unhappy with the fact that I'm never going to meet him OTC.

My lease is up in two months, which means that I'm probably going to move again. Moving is a love/hate thing for me. On one hand I like being some place new, on the other I hate having to physically move all of my stuff. My furniture is fucking heavy. I think I might sell it and get
some cheap IKEA shit.

I can't wait to go on vacation or something. I like having stuff to look forward to.

I don't know what to do.

My roommate situation is not going well at all. He treats me terribly-and only me. I see how he acts with his 'friends' and family and it's night and day. The other day he had the audacity to tell me to buy him a whole new bottle of ketchup after I asked if I could use a little bit for my fries. We're talking a teaspoon sized amount.

This is after I've: driven him to and from his job while his car was in the shop, picked his drunk ass up from some bars downtown at 4:30 in the morning even though he was a complete asshole to me the entire week. Let him borrow money to go rock-climbing because his drunk ass lost his debit card. Then when I brought up an incident that happened a while ago involving him not letting me borrow a stamp he told me to 'not make this personal.' Fuck him.

I'm trying so hard to be nice to this man and it's not effective. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. It's hard enough living with this person who I still inexplicably have feelings for. I cannot deal with his animosity towards me.

Last night I went out and ended up doing coke with some old married dude in the sleazy bathroom of a shitty little bar. My coping skills are obsolete.

Tonight I'm going into work because my regular is going to be there and I know he'll have plenty of drugs that I know I'm going to end up ingesting because I'm fucking miserable right now.

I just don't know what to do. Every day is painful and I just don't want to deal with anything any more.