So bored

I hate my life now. Hate it. You'd think that getting a real job and cleaning up your alcohol and drug use would make someone happier...you'd be wrong.

Confession time.

So a few months back when I was drunkenly hanging with the mexican I skipped a period. For some strange reason I had a feeling I was pregnant. I remember leaving work freaking out because I thought I was pregnant. I bought some home pregnancy tests  but was too nervous to take them. I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Of course he was shit at communicating and it took days to get a text or a call back. I drank. I drank a lot. Probably somewhere along the lines of 1.5 fifths a day - for a week. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Relief. I've honestly never felt so stressed out in my life. I knew deep down that if I were pregnant I would have to get an abortion. I didn't want to be a single mom and I knew he wouldn't be there for me. A week or two more goes by and still no period. A week later there's blood. So much blood. I don't tell anyone and convince myself its my late period. A week later I visit my gyno. I tell him the situation  and they do a pregnancy test (they do this regardless). It's negative. After the examination he says it's likely I had an early term miscarriage. He says they're very common something like 40% of all pregnancies end up miscarriages, many very early on.  I don't mention my drinking. I obviously don't tell the mexican.

I suppose it turned out for the best. I've never felt so upset in my life. I've never felt so conflicted in my life; a drunk one-night-stand turned fucked up relationshippy-thing-cheater may have impregnated me. I had quit my job (mostly because I was sure I was pregnant). I knew I couldn't depend or expect anything from him. Sure I could raise a kid myself but I don't want that. I'm very much against single motherhood for whatever reason.

My life now seems very boring in comparison. I suppose it's a good thing.

regressing

So...seems as if being a sober and productive member of society just isn't my thing. Just killed a bottle of champagne; told myself that I would at least stay off the hard liquor during the work week. Work is boring me; I miss the stripping.

I called the Ex the other night - just checked and we had a 92 minute conversation. I remember him being very bitter about relationships and women. At least he always answers the phone. I hate when people I've dated ignore me. Even if I have no interest in you I want you to answer the damn phone - it's an ego thing.

I called the Mexican too. He did not answer but sent a text a bit later. Probably for the best.

I guess I miss the spontaneity of my old life; I feel like it's cute when you're 19, not so much when you're 25.

I have a pretty busy day tomorrow so I'm glad I kept it to champagne. Just wish I could be satisfied with a normal life.

Might be back to stripping soon, who knows...'Least I'll have blog material.

B-O-R-I-N-G

Well, my life is officially boring. Maybe this is why I drank. I suppose I've done well on the no-drinking front - haven't had any alcohol with the exception of maybe 4 drinks last Saturday and 2 on Sunday. I know I wasn't supposed to imbibe at all, per my psychiatrist's instructions, but oh well. I maintained control of my intake.

I'm got a marketing analyst job. Like a normie.

I still miss work. I dream I'm back at the club nearly every night, it's so weird. Still playing with the idea of traveling and working a weekend in another city every so often.

Both my closest friends are dating people; one is still dating the mexican's old roommate (over 2 years now!), and the other is dating a guy from her work. This means I'll start dating someone soon because I hate being the only one without someone. Whenever we go do anything its me and two couples. Boo. That's sort of what prompted me to hang out with the mexican however many years ago (2). Maybe workplace guy has a roommate I can sleep with, ha.

I miss the craziness of my old life. Growing up sucks.