it's 5:30 and I still can't sleep

It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.

I feel sick because everything seems to be piling up and I just don't want to deal with any of it.

I'm tired of living. Life isn't fun anymore. I feel empty all the time and the drugs and alcohol are just a quick fix.

Every day I wake up hoping something horrible will happen to me so I can disappear without the guilt of ending my own life.

I don't think I should feel this way. I want stuff thinking it will be the key to my happiness but am disappointed when I get it. The apartments, the furniture, the clothes, the boyfriends...wanted all of it, got all of it, and still feel shitty.

I keep telling myself I feel shitty because I'm not working, and that's partly true. When I work a lot I feel happy in a shallow way. I feel happy because I'm fucked up. I feel happy because I have lots of cash on hand. I feel happy because I'm not being lazy. I don't feel like these are valid reasons to be happy. What the fuck is happy anyway? Some chemicals floating around in your brain.

FML

I'm unhappy with my life for the following reasons:

-I'm a college dropout
-I have an alcohol problem
-I'm a stripper and don't see the end in sight
-I have barely any friends
-I never find guys that I like enough to date
-I live with someone who I inexplicably care about more than I should who's completely indifferent to my existence
-I don't have any hobbies

Almost all of these things are completely within my control to change.