I'm embarassing

I got totally trashed last night at a club and acted like a retard. I feel sorry for my friends, I really am embarassing.

I met a guy who bought me a ton of drinks and that was the beginning of the end. I ended up dancing on the stripper pole, then people started tipping me. I actually left the club with more money than I entered with. After that I went outside and puked in the alley behind the club. Some guy tried to get me to get in his car with him but I politely declined his invitation. I went back inside and might have had a few more drinks. Then I started to pass out/collapse and my roommate has to carry me out down a bunch of stairs and put me in the taxi.

After we got home I decided to call Colorado guy which was stupid. I'm a ridiculous drunk and I'm pretty sure I was being lame. I think I told him that I loved him (I've told customers this when I'm drunk so I don't think it's necessarily indicitive of anything resembling how I actually feel). I also told him to move to Atlanta and got mad at him for being in a bar (I'm a hypocrit).

At least I didn't call the Ex. I'm pretty embarassed and am never talking to him again. I doubt he'll want to talk to me after that little episode.

Then I puked some more, passed out, and woke up fine this morning. Yay!

Today I had a photoshoot for some 'modeling' thing I'm doing. Mostly promo work.

I went to the shooting range with The Ex the other day. It was a lot of fun. I do miss him. Kind of. I like the way he looks. I had plans that evening so we went our separate ways. On the way home I get a call from him asking me if I want to come over to his place later that night (after my plans). Ugh. I ask him why he wants me to come over and what we'd be doing and he says "we can play scrabble." Ha ha, guys are so stupid. I tell him I know why he wants me over and he insisted we didn't have to do anything sexual if I didn't want to. I don't get this guy. He tells me I'm horrible at sex and yet still tries to have sex with me. He must be desperate.

We're going to a baseball game next week so we'll see where this little thing goes.

I got a job with Grey Goose and I'm super excited about it. Not looking forward to going back to the club at all. Oh well.

In good spirits

So I decided that I'm going to work at my club the second week of July and try to make a few grand. That will hold me off until I move to a less ghetto area. The second week of July there is always a macintosh convention in Atlanta and the past two years I've worked it I've done extremely well. I have this one customer in particular who's from Dubai who spends mad cash on me. He actually tried to get me to go to Dubai with him and offered me an insane amount of money to do so, but I just couldn't do it.

The ex is still contacting me. I've already had to turn down plans with him twice this week. The thing is I don't want what we usually do. I don't want to just hang out with him and his friends a few times of week and then have sex.I understand why he thinks this is ok, I mean the first thing I did when I got back to Atlanta is jump into bed with him, but I wasn't thinking clearly. It's either going to be a strictly platonic friends situation or we need to be dating properly. Next time he invites me out I'm going to just lay this out for him and see where things go from there.

I absolutely adore my new roommates. It's great having people to hang out with and who will do stuff with me. I'm a bit more wild than both of them, but hey, it happens.

I went to the doctor last Friday to look into my potential STD and the doctor didn't really seem to know what it was. He said it didn't look like HPV. He mentioned that it might have been herpes, but it was too far along in the healing process to tell. They took some blood to do tests with and I have to go back in three weeks. At least the visible stuff has cleared up so I can work if I want to.

I've just been in an exceptionally good mood lately and I hope it sticks around 'cause I kinda like it.

Back to Atlanta

So, I slept with The Ex last night. Kind of stupid on his part, really. I told him that I had probably contracted HPV from Colorado guy. I told him that I was certainly contagious at this time. I told him that if he didn't already have it he would probably get it. His response; "oh, that thing that like 80% of people have? I don't care we'll use a condom." I told him that condoms don't necessarily prevent it from spreading. Guys are kind of pathetic. I don't even know why I agreed to the sex. I just don't care I guess. It's like brushing my teeth or some other mundane task; I'm pretty apathetic towards it. At least this time he was able to get it up with very little help-that tended to be a problem in the past. While his dick was inside me I realized that I have zero feelings for this guy. At this time last year I wanted nothing more than to be with him and now I couldn't care less.

I was actually missing Colorado guy a bit which is ridiculous because I've come to realize that he's kind of a prick. He actually tried to tell me that I probably caught HPV from work (of course he did this in a shitty, degrading way). Then he mentioned his degree in physics from a well renowned school as proof he knew what he was talking about. Personal accountability isn't really his thing I guess.

I'm in my new place. It's kind of meh. I didn't realize it was in such a shitty area. My roommate told me two people got mugged at gunpoint in the parking lot last week. Nice. And my key is kind of shitty so it takes me a minute to unlock the door. I don't have a parking spot so I have to park on the street which sucks. I don't really think I'm going to work while I'm living here-too risky.

I don't want to be here (in Atlanta) anymore.

it's 5:30 and I still can't sleep

It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.

I feel sick because everything seems to be piling up and I just don't want to deal with any of it.

I'm tired of living. Life isn't fun anymore. I feel empty all the time and the drugs and alcohol are just a quick fix.

Every day I wake up hoping something horrible will happen to me so I can disappear without the guilt of ending my own life.

I don't think I should feel this way. I want stuff thinking it will be the key to my happiness but am disappointed when I get it. The apartments, the furniture, the clothes, the boyfriends...wanted all of it, got all of it, and still feel shitty.

I keep telling myself I feel shitty because I'm not working, and that's partly true. When I work a lot I feel happy in a shallow way. I feel happy because I'm fucked up. I feel happy because I have lots of cash on hand. I feel happy because I'm not being lazy. I don't feel like these are valid reasons to be happy. What the fuck is happy anyway? Some chemicals floating around in your brain.

Still broke

So I really wanted to work tonight but I don't think I'm going to be able to. My...STD...is pretty visible and so yeah...probably not good for business.

I was suppposed to move in to my new place today but due to extenuating circumstances (one roommate is in Augusta and the other is at her parents' house with the flu), I'm not.

The Ex wants me to go with him to a show tomorrow night and I don't know. I feel like our history is a bit weird and after all our knock-down-drag-out fights it would just be awkward. Maybe not. I certainly can't be having any sexual relations with him until I get to the doctor, not that I would anyway, but at least I have an excuse. All that said I'll probably go because I need some people to hang out with and there was a time when I had feelings for him so maybe they'll return.

When I got back to the states I had a ton of text messages and a voicemail from a customer of mine who is obsessed with me. I don't know how to deal with this guy. One one hand he gives me lots of money and it's one of those guaranteed things, but he's seriously getting annoying.

I did my nails nice, have a hair appointment Tuesday, and I think I'm going to try and tan this week so at least I'll be looking less like a hot mess than I have been.

God-there's so much I want to buy and I just want to go to work so I can make some money!!! At times like these I seriously regret cutting things off with Rich Old Dude. Fuck.

The Souvenir

So I'm pretty sure Colorado guy gave me HPV. At first I wasn't too positive, and tried to tell myself it was razor burn or something, but at this point I'm 95% sure it's HPV. What sucks is that I'm in a foreign country so I can't even get to physician to diagnose me and start treating it-and I know with HPV the sooner you start treatment the more likely you can get things under control.

It's further ruined my vacation, which wasn't very good to begin with, as I can't stop worrying/thinking about it.

As much as I want to be mad at Colorado guy for this, I can't bring myself to feel angry towards him. Afterall, it's my fault for sleeping with a guy who I knew was kind of skanky. Note: if a guy can't go 3 sentences without mentioning some chick he's banged (married, fat, lives in the same complex...anyone with a vagina in his general vicinity) it's probably bad news and you shouldn't let him stick his penis in you; even if it's wrapped.

He's emailed me about how great Montana is and what a good time he's having. It's like, that's nice, you sleep with me for two months, infect me with an incurable STD, move 2,000 miles away and then let me know what a great time you're having. Just what I want to hear!!! Can't wait for the emails about how he's won the lottery and found a cure for aids. Also, he addressed the email 'stripper', I hate that shit. My Ex does that too. I don't address your emails 'unemployed' or 'poor motherfucker'. So fucking disrespectful. If you saw me as a stripper then you should have paid me for my fucking time. God I hate men.

One slightly good thing that's come of all this is some weight loss. Because I've been so upset over this...revelation...I've not had much of an appetite and have lost 5-7 lbs so far.

I know a lot of people have it and it's probably not going to ruin my life but I just feel gross. Dirty. I'm not even freaking promiscuous-I've only slept with four fucking people!

And there's part of me that wonders what kind of guy is going to want to be with an infected stripper. I guess growing old alone isn't that bad-I can get cats or something; they wont judge me by my sexually transmitted diseases.

I've never wanted to get back to the US and to a doctor so badly in my life.

Hopefully work will be good when I get back to Atlanta, I need some serious monetary therapy right now.

Missing Work

I miss work so much. It's like an addiction. Once I'm drinking and on a steady diet of opiates and stimulants my emotions will be numbed and all will be right with the world.