Knuckles

So I had my date last night...It went well I guess. I slept with him. I think it was mostly to get over the Mexican. Who of course texted me last night. Dudes have some weird sense that tells them when the girls they used to fuck have moved on and always decide to initiate contact at that time.

New dude, who I'm gonna refer to as knuckles, is kinda sweet. I don't really like him yet - it takes me a few months to warm up to people. He has tattoos on his arms, shoulder and knuckles. Never thought I'd date a guy with knuckle tattoos. He has a crazy past - ex drug dealer, served some time in jail, partied too much...but he's 32 now and seems to have chilled out a lot. He wants me to meet his brother and his brother's wife this friday. Seems to be a little fast. We're hanging out tomorrow for new year's eve. My cat likes him. I still miss the Mexican, but I hope I will warm up to this new dude.

Wagons are boring

Well it's been 12 days since my last drink. My pancreas feels...well I can't feel it at all which is probably a good thing. Still taking the meds. I'm not sure if they're having an effect. I think I feel a little happier, but then I wonder if it's just the placebo effect. I do know that I have no appetite. None. I've never had this much of an appetite loss in my life. I'm hoping it's due to the medication and not organ damage. Other than that I feel pretty healthy.

The Mexican texted me the other night. Just asking how I was doing. His exact words "I was just thinking of you, wanted to check in." Man I hate pity texts. I lied and said I was doing really really well. I'm doing ok - really really well is a stretch. He apparently drank a ton the night before and just laid in bed feeling like shit all day. I don't miss that I guess. That's probably why he was thinking of me - 'hmm this is something sociopathicstripper does often, I wonder if she's still alive...'

In stripper news, one of the big clubs in my city just got incorporated into the local city and now is no longer allowed to serve alcohol or have nude dancing. That is going to destroy so many incomes. This is definitely the 2nd best club in the city (and state). I'm guessing a bunch of the girls will migrate to my old club causing a bunch of issues; mostly over-saturation. It's gonna hurt the county too - lots of revenue from that club. I'm curious to see how this will all pan out. It's probably a good thing for me because I've been tossing the idea of working at said club around in my head, but not now!

The date that I kept flaking on still wants to meet me, so we're meeting up on Sunday. A friend of mine also scheduled a date Sunday, so we're going to have our dinners separately and then meet up afterwards for drinks (shirley fucking temples for me I guess). I haven't informed my date of this plan yet. I think I'll spring it on him during the dinner. Even if I don't like him, he should provide me with entertainment. He seems super testosterone-y, and those ones are always the best for alleviating boredom.

Since no real employers seem that keen on hiring me, I'm gonna start applying for waitressing jobs after the holidays. I'm regressing.

Medicated

Well I finally bit the bullet and got me some meds. Legally, of course.

After being informed that I have succeeded in destroying my pancreas (who knew alcohol did that? - well I did, found out about that a while back) I decided that I wanted to keep that organ. In all honesty it's not 'destroyed' just pissed off and a bit sick; it will recover.

The doc I saw was kind of a weirdo. Also, I hadn't eaten in 3 days as per another doctor's orders, I guess this is how you heal a pancreas, so I may have been not all there. But the doctor was odd. I can't even accurately explain his mannerisms. Kind of reminded me of a customer I would have; not because he was creepy or perving out, just odd. Anyways after listening to him be strange for what seemed like eternity he gave me a bunch of free meds. I didn't even realize they could do such a thing. 3 months worth of this, 1.5 months worth of that...and so on. Once I got home I did some research and picked the one I thought would be the best for me. Today was the first day I took it, and I guess they don't kick in right away, so we'll see.

I actually felt pretty good today. Was pretty busy with xmas shopping and lunch dates and stuff. Not romantic lunch dates though. I actually cancelled on my date (that's twice now - he's probably over it at this point). I don't feel like dating right now (or ever, really) and I can't force it.

Still miss work though...My mom of all people actually said that maybe I should go back to the club. She said I seemed a lot happier and more confident when I was working. Ha.

What a weekend

Well after taking one day off from drinking, I was back at it. Not alone, though.

Thursday was a Christmas party at a friend's condo complex. Nothing too exciting happened. Free drinks and food all night, creepy older predatory men, pretty clothes.

Friday was a little more eventful. Hung out with a friend and three of her friends. Well, two of her friends and one of their boyfriend's. We all got pretty tipsy and her friend with the boyfriend pretty much proposed that we have a threesome. I guess I was pretty lit at this point and went home with them. I didn't actually have sex with her boyfriend, even though she kept pushing for it. I know from experience (not any of my own), that it doesn't tend to end well due to jealousy and whatnot. I mostly just made out with the girl and she screwed her boyfriend. Reminded me of my crazy stripper days, ha. Of course my friend was a bit mad at me the next day. Well, not really made, just confused. She's always told me that this girl is crazy; she's convinced she's a sociopath. I dunno. I explained to her that sex means nothing to me, at least in the emotional sense (unless I'm already emotionally attached to someone - and even then it's never been the sex (with other girls) that pissed me off, it was the lying). The next morning wasn't too awkward, no one seemed regretful so that was nice. Crazy girl actually just messaged me "dinner soon!", so I guess there'll be no drama.

Saturday was spent at a friend's house with a few other people. Did some drinking, but nothing crazy. Didn't feel too bad until Saturday night came along. Well, more like early Sunday morning. I started getting really severe heart pains, worse than I've ever felt. Then something weird happened; my head and heart started hurting like crazy and I couldn't move. I was kind of shaking, but I couldn't control my movements. I remember trying to reach for my phone to call someone (maybe 911), but I couldn't. Then I guess I passed out. Now I'm not sure if it even really happened or it was some kind of night terror/dream. I've had chest pains on and off all day, but don't feel too bad.  I did cancel my date I had this evening. Well, rescheduled it for Tuesday. I wish I was excited about dating, but I'm not. I just have to force myself I guess.

I got a call from the Mexican today. A good friend of his passed away on Friday - car accident. I guess he went on a little bender this weekend; told me he downed a bottle of jim last night. Then he invited me to the bar with him and his friend. I laughed and told him I can't drink today, overdid it this weekend. I told him he shouldn't drink so much either, and he said "we're like the blind leading the blind, we each chide each other about our drinking while unable to control our own habits." Very true. I told him that it was killing me and he said it was the same with him. Then he said he didn't care if he died - he's had a good enough life. I felt like I hearing myself talk. Us pitiful alcoholics.

I'm really starting to need money badly. So many job applications so little responses. The wage I'm making now is unfortunately not a living one.

Well, here's to at least 2 days sober, today and Monday, doubt I'll have a sober date  - don't think that's ever happened.

Another night - another night in the ER

So I checked myself into the hospital yesterday evening. My drinking was hitting the point to where things were gonnna get painful, and I didn't want to continue imbibing just to stop the pain.

Of course I drove myself, the hospital workers were not thrilled by that ( should note that my blood alcohol level was only .29 - not sure ridiculous.. They hooked me up to the started IV bags, loaded with mostly fluids and antivan. I also got a script for Vatican. They did full urine and blood tests. Tests whose results I actually got back. Things were ok. Surprisingly no permanent liver damage is present. Some levels were elevated, but I was told that was because of my recent drinking.

I'm liking the Ativan, its anti-anxiety medication. I feel pretty mellow - makes the coming down process much nicer. Gonna have to find a way to get a script for it again. I have a feeling I can use to it curtail the drinking. One strange side effect is that words seems to move all over the page. And it makes me clumsy.

There is no cupid here

So I recently re-actived my okCupid account. For anyone who may not know what okCupid is, it's an online dating site (a free one!) I had first made an account back when I was dating the Mexican. I knew our 'relationship' was shit and figured if I started dating other people it might make it easier to leave that whole situation behind. I actually remember the day I created my account. I hadn't heard from the Mexican for a few days and was feeling very 'over it'. About 10 minutes into making my account who do I get a call from? The Mexican of course! He invited me over for lunch. I still activated the account later in the week because a call and lunch wasn't fixing anything. I only went on one date with an okcupider while dating the Mexican, and nothing happened (well, we may have drunkenly made out), because I felt guilty despite what I knew he did on his free time. Anyways, after we went separate ways I ended up deactivating the account because I just didn't feel like dealing with dating and men.

I recently reactivated it; it's been almost 2 years now, time to get back in the game! I've only gone on one date so far, and it wasn't a very impressive one. 42 year old misogynistic lawyer who thought he was God's gift to the world. I remember towards the end our date he mentioned some girl he had gone on a date with who was upset that he never contacted her again after the date. My response; "I definitely won't be disappointed if I never hear from you again". I'm so charming!

It's a goldmine of hilarity though. I think I might start booking a few dates a week for new blog material, since stripping isn't my thing at the moment.

Speaking of stripping, I'm about a week away from getting my lazy ass back on the fucking pole. My car somehow failed its emissions test, and of course needed hundreds of dollars worth of repairs. Christmas is coming up, I like buying stuff, I miss eating out, I like spending money at bars, and my measly paycheck from my catering work I'm doing at the moment isn't cutting it. Maybe okCupid dates can source me some jobs.

Well, I have half a bottle of vodka in my freezer calling my name! (after a completely sober week.)