So I had my date last night...It went well I guess. I slept with him. I think it was mostly to get over the Mexican. Who of course texted me last night. Dudes have some weird sense that tells them when the girls they used to fuck have moved on and always decide to initiate contact at that time.
New dude, who I'm gonna refer to as knuckles, is kinda sweet. I don't really like him yet - it takes me a few months to warm up to people. He has tattoos on his arms, shoulder and knuckles. Never thought I'd date a guy with knuckle tattoos. He has a crazy past - ex drug dealer, served some time in jail, partied too much...but he's 32 now and seems to have chilled out a lot. He wants me to meet his brother and his brother's wife this friday. Seems to be a little fast. We're hanging out tomorrow for new year's eve. My cat likes him. I still miss the Mexican, but I hope I will warm up to this new dude.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wagons are boring
Well it's been 12 days since my last drink. My pancreas feels...well I can't feel it at all which is probably a good thing. Still taking the meds. I'm not sure if they're having an effect. I think I feel a little happier, but then I wonder if it's just the placebo effect. I do know that I have no appetite. None. I've never had this much of an appetite loss in my life. I'm hoping it's due to the medication and not organ damage. Other than that I feel pretty healthy.
The Mexican texted me the other night. Just asking how I was doing. His exact words "I was just thinking of you, wanted to check in." Man I hate pity texts. I lied and said I was doing really really well. I'm doing ok - really really well is a stretch. He apparently drank a ton the night before and just laid in bed feeling like shit all day. I don't miss that I guess. That's probably why he was thinking of me - 'hmm this is something sociopathicstripper does often, I wonder if she's still alive...'
In stripper news, one of the big clubs in my city just got incorporated into the local city and now is no longer allowed to serve alcohol or have nude dancing. That is going to destroy so many incomes. This is definitely the 2nd best club in the city (and state). I'm guessing a bunch of the girls will migrate to my old club causing a bunch of issues; mostly over-saturation. It's gonna hurt the county too - lots of revenue from that club. I'm curious to see how this will all pan out. It's probably a good thing for me because I've been tossing the idea of working at said club around in my head, but not now!
The date that I kept flaking on still wants to meet me, so we're meeting up on Sunday. A friend of mine also scheduled a date Sunday, so we're going to have our dinners separately and then meet up afterwards for drinks (shirley fucking temples for me I guess). I haven't informed my date of this plan yet. I think I'll spring it on him during the dinner. Even if I don't like him, he should provide me with entertainment. He seems super testosterone-y, and those ones are always the best for alleviating boredom.
Since no real employers seem that keen on hiring me, I'm gonna start applying for waitressing jobs after the holidays. I'm regressing.
The Mexican texted me the other night. Just asking how I was doing. His exact words "I was just thinking of you, wanted to check in." Man I hate pity texts. I lied and said I was doing really really well. I'm doing ok - really really well is a stretch. He apparently drank a ton the night before and just laid in bed feeling like shit all day. I don't miss that I guess. That's probably why he was thinking of me - 'hmm this is something sociopathicstripper does often, I wonder if she's still alive...'
In stripper news, one of the big clubs in my city just got incorporated into the local city and now is no longer allowed to serve alcohol or have nude dancing. That is going to destroy so many incomes. This is definitely the 2nd best club in the city (and state). I'm guessing a bunch of the girls will migrate to my old club causing a bunch of issues; mostly over-saturation. It's gonna hurt the county too - lots of revenue from that club. I'm curious to see how this will all pan out. It's probably a good thing for me because I've been tossing the idea of working at said club around in my head, but not now!
The date that I kept flaking on still wants to meet me, so we're meeting up on Sunday. A friend of mine also scheduled a date Sunday, so we're going to have our dinners separately and then meet up afterwards for drinks (shirley fucking temples for me I guess). I haven't informed my date of this plan yet. I think I'll spring it on him during the dinner. Even if I don't like him, he should provide me with entertainment. He seems super testosterone-y, and those ones are always the best for alleviating boredom.
Since no real employers seem that keen on hiring me, I'm gonna start applying for waitressing jobs after the holidays. I'm regressing.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Medicated
Well I finally bit the bullet and got me some meds. Legally, of course.
After being informed that I have succeeded in destroying my pancreas (who knew alcohol did that? - well I did, found out about that a while back) I decided that I wanted to keep that organ. In all honesty it's not 'destroyed' just pissed off and a bit sick; it will recover.
The doc I saw was kind of a weirdo. Also, I hadn't eaten in 3 days as per another doctor's orders, I guess this is how you heal a pancreas, so I may have been not all there. But the doctor was odd. I can't even accurately explain his mannerisms. Kind of reminded me of a customer I would have; not because he was creepy or perving out, just odd. Anyways after listening to him be strange for what seemed like eternity he gave me a bunch of free meds. I didn't even realize they could do such a thing. 3 months worth of this, 1.5 months worth of that...and so on. Once I got home I did some research and picked the one I thought would be the best for me. Today was the first day I took it, and I guess they don't kick in right away, so we'll see.
I actually felt pretty good today. Was pretty busy with xmas shopping and lunch dates and stuff. Not romantic lunch dates though. I actually cancelled on my date (that's twice now - he's probably over it at this point). I don't feel like dating right now (or ever, really) and I can't force it.
Still miss work though...My mom of all people actually said that maybe I should go back to the club. She said I seemed a lot happier and more confident when I was working. Ha.
After being informed that I have succeeded in destroying my pancreas (who knew alcohol did that? - well I did, found out about that a while back) I decided that I wanted to keep that organ. In all honesty it's not 'destroyed' just pissed off and a bit sick; it will recover.
The doc I saw was kind of a weirdo. Also, I hadn't eaten in 3 days as per another doctor's orders, I guess this is how you heal a pancreas, so I may have been not all there. But the doctor was odd. I can't even accurately explain his mannerisms. Kind of reminded me of a customer I would have; not because he was creepy or perving out, just odd. Anyways after listening to him be strange for what seemed like eternity he gave me a bunch of free meds. I didn't even realize they could do such a thing. 3 months worth of this, 1.5 months worth of that...and so on. Once I got home I did some research and picked the one I thought would be the best for me. Today was the first day I took it, and I guess they don't kick in right away, so we'll see.
I actually felt pretty good today. Was pretty busy with xmas shopping and lunch dates and stuff. Not romantic lunch dates though. I actually cancelled on my date (that's twice now - he's probably over it at this point). I don't feel like dating right now (or ever, really) and I can't force it.
Still miss work though...My mom of all people actually said that maybe I should go back to the club. She said I seemed a lot happier and more confident when I was working. Ha.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
What a weekend
Well after taking one day off from drinking, I was back at it. Not alone, though.
Thursday was a Christmas party at a friend's condo complex. Nothing too exciting happened. Free drinks and food all night, creepy older predatory men, pretty clothes.
Friday was a little more eventful. Hung out with a friend and three of her friends. Well, two of her friends and one of their boyfriend's. We all got pretty tipsy and her friend with the boyfriend pretty much proposed that we have a threesome. I guess I was pretty lit at this point and went home with them. I didn't actually have sex with her boyfriend, even though she kept pushing for it. I know from experience (not any of my own), that it doesn't tend to end well due to jealousy and whatnot. I mostly just made out with the girl and she screwed her boyfriend. Reminded me of my crazy stripper days, ha. Of course my friend was a bit mad at me the next day. Well, not really made, just confused. She's always told me that this girl is crazy; she's convinced she's a sociopath. I dunno. I explained to her that sex means nothing to me, at least in the emotional sense (unless I'm already emotionally attached to someone - and even then it's never been the sex (with other girls) that pissed me off, it was the lying). The next morning wasn't too awkward, no one seemed regretful so that was nice. Crazy girl actually just messaged me "dinner soon!", so I guess there'll be no drama.
Saturday was spent at a friend's house with a few other people. Did some drinking, but nothing crazy. Didn't feel too bad until Saturday night came along. Well, more like early Sunday morning. I started getting really severe heart pains, worse than I've ever felt. Then something weird happened; my head and heart started hurting like crazy and I couldn't move. I was kind of shaking, but I couldn't control my movements. I remember trying to reach for my phone to call someone (maybe 911), but I couldn't. Then I guess I passed out. Now I'm not sure if it even really happened or it was some kind of night terror/dream. I've had chest pains on and off all day, but don't feel too bad. I did cancel my date I had this evening. Well, rescheduled it for Tuesday. I wish I was excited about dating, but I'm not. I just have to force myself I guess.
I got a call from the Mexican today. A good friend of his passed away on Friday - car accident. I guess he went on a little bender this weekend; told me he downed a bottle of jim last night. Then he invited me to the bar with him and his friend. I laughed and told him I can't drink today, overdid it this weekend. I told him he shouldn't drink so much either, and he said "we're like the blind leading the blind, we each chide each other about our drinking while unable to control our own habits." Very true. I told him that it was killing me and he said it was the same with him. Then he said he didn't care if he died - he's had a good enough life. I felt like I hearing myself talk. Us pitiful alcoholics.
I'm really starting to need money badly. So many job applications so little responses. The wage I'm making now is unfortunately not a living one.
Well, here's to at least 2 days sober, today and Monday, doubt I'll have a sober date - don't think that's ever happened.
Thursday was a Christmas party at a friend's condo complex. Nothing too exciting happened. Free drinks and food all night, creepy older predatory men, pretty clothes.
Friday was a little more eventful. Hung out with a friend and three of her friends. Well, two of her friends and one of their boyfriend's. We all got pretty tipsy and her friend with the boyfriend pretty much proposed that we have a threesome. I guess I was pretty lit at this point and went home with them. I didn't actually have sex with her boyfriend, even though she kept pushing for it. I know from experience (not any of my own), that it doesn't tend to end well due to jealousy and whatnot. I mostly just made out with the girl and she screwed her boyfriend. Reminded me of my crazy stripper days, ha. Of course my friend was a bit mad at me the next day. Well, not really made, just confused. She's always told me that this girl is crazy; she's convinced she's a sociopath. I dunno. I explained to her that sex means nothing to me, at least in the emotional sense (unless I'm already emotionally attached to someone - and even then it's never been the sex (with other girls) that pissed me off, it was the lying). The next morning wasn't too awkward, no one seemed regretful so that was nice. Crazy girl actually just messaged me "dinner soon!", so I guess there'll be no drama.
Saturday was spent at a friend's house with a few other people. Did some drinking, but nothing crazy. Didn't feel too bad until Saturday night came along. Well, more like early Sunday morning. I started getting really severe heart pains, worse than I've ever felt. Then something weird happened; my head and heart started hurting like crazy and I couldn't move. I was kind of shaking, but I couldn't control my movements. I remember trying to reach for my phone to call someone (maybe 911), but I couldn't. Then I guess I passed out. Now I'm not sure if it even really happened or it was some kind of night terror/dream. I've had chest pains on and off all day, but don't feel too bad. I did cancel my date I had this evening. Well, rescheduled it for Tuesday. I wish I was excited about dating, but I'm not. I just have to force myself I guess.
I got a call from the Mexican today. A good friend of his passed away on Friday - car accident. I guess he went on a little bender this weekend; told me he downed a bottle of jim last night. Then he invited me to the bar with him and his friend. I laughed and told him I can't drink today, overdid it this weekend. I told him he shouldn't drink so much either, and he said "we're like the blind leading the blind, we each chide each other about our drinking while unable to control our own habits." Very true. I told him that it was killing me and he said it was the same with him. Then he said he didn't care if he died - he's had a good enough life. I felt like I hearing myself talk. Us pitiful alcoholics.
I'm really starting to need money badly. So many job applications so little responses. The wage I'm making now is unfortunately not a living one.
Well, here's to at least 2 days sober, today and Monday, doubt I'll have a sober date - don't think that's ever happened.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Another night - another night in the ER
Of course I drove myself, the hospital workers were not thrilled by that ( should note that my blood alcohol level was only .29 - not sure ridiculous.. They hooked me up to the started IV bags, loaded with mostly fluids and antivan. I also got a script for Vatican. They did full urine and blood tests. Tests whose results I actually got back. Things were ok. Surprisingly no permanent liver damage is present. Some levels were elevated, but I was told that was because of my recent drinking.
I'm liking the Ativan, its anti-anxiety medication. I feel pretty mellow - makes the coming down process much nicer. Gonna have to find a way to get a script for it again. I have a feeling I can use to it curtail the drinking. One strange side effect is that words seems to move all over the page. And it makes me clumsy.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
There is no cupid here
So I recently re-actived my okCupid account. For anyone who may not know what okCupid is, it's an online dating site (a free one!) I had first made an account back when I was dating the Mexican. I knew our 'relationship' was shit and figured if I started dating other people it might make it easier to leave that whole situation behind. I actually remember the day I created my account. I hadn't heard from the Mexican for a few days and was feeling very 'over it'. About 10 minutes into making my account who do I get a call from? The Mexican of course! He invited me over for lunch. I still activated the account later in the week because a call and lunch wasn't fixing anything. I only went on one date with an okcupider while dating the Mexican, and nothing happened (well, we may have drunkenly made out), because I felt guilty despite what I knew he did on his free time. Anyways, after we went separate ways I ended up deactivating the account because I just didn't feel like dealing with dating and men.
I recently reactivated it; it's been almost 2 years now, time to get back in the game! I've only gone on one date so far, and it wasn't a very impressive one. 42 year old misogynistic lawyer who thought he was God's gift to the world. I remember towards the end our date he mentioned some girl he had gone on a date with who was upset that he never contacted her again after the date. My response; "I definitely won't be disappointed if I never hear from you again". I'm so charming!
It's a goldmine of hilarity though. I think I might start booking a few dates a week for new blog material, since stripping isn't my thing at the moment.
Speaking of stripping, I'm about a week away from getting my lazy ass back on the fucking pole. My car somehow failed its emissions test, and of course needed hundreds of dollars worth of repairs. Christmas is coming up, I like buying stuff, I miss eating out, I like spending money at bars, and my measly paycheck from my catering work I'm doing at the moment isn't cutting it. Maybe okCupid dates can source me some jobs.
Well, I have half a bottle of vodka in my freezer calling my name! (after a completely sober week.)
I recently reactivated it; it's been almost 2 years now, time to get back in the game! I've only gone on one date so far, and it wasn't a very impressive one. 42 year old misogynistic lawyer who thought he was God's gift to the world. I remember towards the end our date he mentioned some girl he had gone on a date with who was upset that he never contacted her again after the date. My response; "I definitely won't be disappointed if I never hear from you again". I'm so charming!
It's a goldmine of hilarity though. I think I might start booking a few dates a week for new blog material, since stripping isn't my thing at the moment.
Speaking of stripping, I'm about a week away from getting my lazy ass back on the fucking pole. My car somehow failed its emissions test, and of course needed hundreds of dollars worth of repairs. Christmas is coming up, I like buying stuff, I miss eating out, I like spending money at bars, and my measly paycheck from my catering work I'm doing at the moment isn't cutting it. Maybe okCupid dates can source me some jobs.
Well, I have half a bottle of vodka in my freezer calling my name! (after a completely sober week.)
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Fully clothed Thanksgiving
I'm going through work withdrawal right now. I always worked Thanksgiving - one of my favorite nights to work...As I was driving to my apartment this evening I passed my old club and felt the urge to stop by. I still have work dreams often.
I hung out with one of my stripper friends the other night, and surprisingly our night together helped me realize that I really don't want that life anymore. I miss it, but I know it's bad for me - like everything in my life. She's still a crazy drunk. She's been dancing for 11 years. She has a degree and she's quite smart (but a little 'off' due to the alcohol and a concussion she got from falling off the pole), but she's stuck in the trap known as the strip club. She tried to get me to work at her club with her. We used to both work at my old club, but she left (got fired for being a drunk) and went to a slightly nicer club in the vicinity. We actually met there for drinks before going out elsewhere. It's sad when you feel more comfortable in a strip club than pretty much anywhere else.
She got ridiculously drunk due to day drinking thanks to a bad date she had earlier in the day. She's gone through more boyfriends than anyone I know. Another example of how strippers can't maintain healthy relationships. Neither can ex-strippers apparently. I've been on a few dates, some with noteworthy candidates, but no. I just don't like anyone and I cannot force myself to play along. Sure I want to 'settle down' and get married and have kids I guess, but I don't want to feel bored or trapped. I see girls I went to school with - you know the type- sorority, fluffy major, mainstream job, and they meet these guys - fraternity, good family, good job, and get married. Very southern and picturesque and blah blah blah but there's no chemistry. It all just seems planned. Like they had a list and getting married to someone with qualities a, b, and c was # 12 on their 'life list'. They don't look like they have fun together (or apart). Half the time the (omg so perfect!!!) guy is cheating, and the other half of the time the girl is. I dunno. I probably just sound bitter. I probably am.
My strip club bartender neighbor invited me to her club's Christmas party. It's the club I worked at for a hot minute back in...maybe 2009? There's an open bar all night, so I'll probably be there. My alcoholic tendencies are on and off. I haven't drank since last Saturday, and haven't been alcoholic drunk for about 2 weeks. I think my alcoholism is a function of my boredom these days. The more bored I am, the more I drink.
I wish I had the ability to travel right now. I think a few months in another state (or country) would do me some good.
I hung out with one of my stripper friends the other night, and surprisingly our night together helped me realize that I really don't want that life anymore. I miss it, but I know it's bad for me - like everything in my life. She's still a crazy drunk. She's been dancing for 11 years. She has a degree and she's quite smart (but a little 'off' due to the alcohol and a concussion she got from falling off the pole), but she's stuck in the trap known as the strip club. She tried to get me to work at her club with her. We used to both work at my old club, but she left (got fired for being a drunk) and went to a slightly nicer club in the vicinity. We actually met there for drinks before going out elsewhere. It's sad when you feel more comfortable in a strip club than pretty much anywhere else.
She got ridiculously drunk due to day drinking thanks to a bad date she had earlier in the day. She's gone through more boyfriends than anyone I know. Another example of how strippers can't maintain healthy relationships. Neither can ex-strippers apparently. I've been on a few dates, some with noteworthy candidates, but no. I just don't like anyone and I cannot force myself to play along. Sure I want to 'settle down' and get married and have kids I guess, but I don't want to feel bored or trapped. I see girls I went to school with - you know the type- sorority, fluffy major, mainstream job, and they meet these guys - fraternity, good family, good job, and get married. Very southern and picturesque and blah blah blah but there's no chemistry. It all just seems planned. Like they had a list and getting married to someone with qualities a, b, and c was # 12 on their 'life list'. They don't look like they have fun together (or apart). Half the time the (omg so perfect!!!) guy is cheating, and the other half of the time the girl is. I dunno. I probably just sound bitter. I probably am.
My strip club bartender neighbor invited me to her club's Christmas party. It's the club I worked at for a hot minute back in...maybe 2009? There's an open bar all night, so I'll probably be there. My alcoholic tendencies are on and off. I haven't drank since last Saturday, and haven't been alcoholic drunk for about 2 weeks. I think my alcoholism is a function of my boredom these days. The more bored I am, the more I drink.
I wish I had the ability to travel right now. I think a few months in another state (or country) would do me some good.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Being a loser
Not so much going on...
I still haven't gotten my ass out of state to work a weekend and make some cash. I'm not skinny enough right now. Working at the club put enough pressure on me to maintain my weight (well, for the most part) no matter what. If I felt like eating junk food all I had to do was picture myself naked with cellulite and fluff dancing around at work and I could resist. Now there's no reason for me to be thin - not that I've gotten obese (or even overweight), but I'm just not at my 'comfortable in public" weight.
The Mexican called me the other night. Asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and his friend. I said no. I don't much miss him anymore. I just get annoyed with the type of girls he hangs out with. It kind of hurts my ego that he considers retarded waitresses and skanky coworkers better to hang out with than me.
I don't want to fall in love with anyone - I just want everyone to be in love with me.
I still haven't gotten my ass out of state to work a weekend and make some cash. I'm not skinny enough right now. Working at the club put enough pressure on me to maintain my weight (well, for the most part) no matter what. If I felt like eating junk food all I had to do was picture myself naked with cellulite and fluff dancing around at work and I could resist. Now there's no reason for me to be thin - not that I've gotten obese (or even overweight), but I'm just not at my 'comfortable in public" weight.
The Mexican called me the other night. Asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and his friend. I said no. I don't much miss him anymore. I just get annoyed with the type of girls he hangs out with. It kind of hurts my ego that he considers retarded waitresses and skanky coworkers better to hang out with than me.
I don't want to fall in love with anyone - I just want everyone to be in love with me.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
A trip to Mexico
So I accidentally slept with the mexican last night. How does one accidentally sleep with someone? Well, it was accidental in the sense that I did not intend to sleep with him at the night's beginning. My friend and I were supposed to meet up with some other girls at some bar, but the girls didn't show. They're the bitchy ex-sorority types who think they're way cooler than they actually are. Well, we ended up going to our local dive bar; the bar that the Mexican and I spent many a night. We go there quite a bit, but the mexican has become less of a drunk and doesn't spend so much time there anymore.
As soon as I approach the door I see him and all his friends. At this point they see us so turning around would have been awkward. In to the bar we go. The mexican is pretty happy to see me, I can tell. We drink and of course end up back at his place. I also lost my phone. His life seems the same - so does mine I guess. He invited me to hang out today but I don't think it's a good idea.
I need some changes in my life. A stagnant life leads to destructive behavior.
As soon as I approach the door I see him and all his friends. At this point they see us so turning around would have been awkward. In to the bar we go. The mexican is pretty happy to see me, I can tell. We drink and of course end up back at his place. I also lost my phone. His life seems the same - so does mine I guess. He invited me to hang out today but I don't think it's a good idea.
I need some changes in my life. A stagnant life leads to destructive behavior.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Leaving retirement
So I've nailed down the club I'm going to do my '2 weekends a month' stint at. It's in Tennessee, so no familiar faces. I'm hoping once I get there I'll have an epiphany and realize that I don't miss it and I quit for a reason and that will be the end of that. It's just something I need to do - for my piece of mind or something.
I partook in some cocaine usage the other weekend. It sure has been a while! I do love it; though it's a different type of love than the love I have for alcohol. I wish my relationship with alcohol was similar to my relationship with coke. Oh well. I'm here writing about 'relationships' with substances. That's how you know your life is pretty empty!
My coke night was quite exciting. I ended up in some crack house in the ghetto. Well, eventually I ended up back in my hotel room, but there was a 4 to 5 hour period of crack head madness post-club and pre-hotel. I did not try crack, even though the offer was on the table (both literally and metaphorically). It's kind of a convoluted story, I don't feel like relaying it at the moment, perhaps later.
I went on a date last Wednesday. The subject was a very obnoxious and ego-inflated 38 year old lawyer. Dating used to be pretty fun, but now, like with most things, I find it annoying. I told Mr. lawyer that I would not be disappointed if I never heard from him again at the close of our date. I'm so charming.
I'm hoping to start my weekend stripper madness at the end of October or the beginning of November. Hopefully I'll then have some actual content for my STRIPPING blog.
I partook in some cocaine usage the other weekend. It sure has been a while! I do love it; though it's a different type of love than the love I have for alcohol. I wish my relationship with alcohol was similar to my relationship with coke. Oh well. I'm here writing about 'relationships' with substances. That's how you know your life is pretty empty!
My coke night was quite exciting. I ended up in some crack house in the ghetto. Well, eventually I ended up back in my hotel room, but there was a 4 to 5 hour period of crack head madness post-club and pre-hotel. I did not try crack, even though the offer was on the table (both literally and metaphorically). It's kind of a convoluted story, I don't feel like relaying it at the moment, perhaps later.
I went on a date last Wednesday. The subject was a very obnoxious and ego-inflated 38 year old lawyer. Dating used to be pretty fun, but now, like with most things, I find it annoying. I told Mr. lawyer that I would not be disappointed if I never heard from him again at the close of our date. I'm so charming.
I'm hoping to start my weekend stripper madness at the end of October or the beginning of November. Hopefully I'll then have some actual content for my STRIPPING blog.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The aftermath
I'm beginning to realize that my stripping career made a definite and perhaps permanent impact on my world view and personality. While I was a stripper I convinced myself that I could compartmentalize and depersonalize with the best of them, but I guess even I'm not that talented.
When how you look is your greatest occupational concern your perspective becomes skewed. Not to mention how making $400 in an hour leads to disappointment and discontent when entering the 'real world' and realizing that $400 is now 16 hours worth of actual sober and clothed work.
As I've mentioned I've been toying with the idea of stripping one or two weekends a month (out of town) to help alleviate the boredom/itch. Either that or go the sugar daddy route. I don't think I'm cut out for the sugar daddy thing though. I prefer a more cut and dry exchange of services.
When how you look is your greatest occupational concern your perspective becomes skewed. Not to mention how making $400 in an hour leads to disappointment and discontent when entering the 'real world' and realizing that $400 is now 16 hours worth of actual sober and clothed work.
As I've mentioned I've been toying with the idea of stripping one or two weekends a month (out of town) to help alleviate the boredom/itch. Either that or go the sugar daddy route. I don't think I'm cut out for the sugar daddy thing though. I prefer a more cut and dry exchange of services.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Sales
Well, I'm back to the world of sales, though this time my body is not the merchandise.
I guess sales is all I've ever known, and I'm somehow decent at it even though my personality would convince most people otherwise.
I just googled my playboy 'video' and it had 41,000 views on some hack job porno site. A bit disconcerting.
I'm throwing a party for my cat's 2nd birthday on Friday - I'm officially a sad cat lady.
I still miss work (and by work I mean stripping). Still playing with the idea of traveling once a month for a weekend of naked debauchery and money.
I had to wake up at 7:00 am today for a meeting so I'm dead tired - cheers to whoever still reads this boring shit!
I guess sales is all I've ever known, and I'm somehow decent at it even though my personality would convince most people otherwise.
I just googled my playboy 'video' and it had 41,000 views on some hack job porno site. A bit disconcerting.
I'm throwing a party for my cat's 2nd birthday on Friday - I'm officially a sad cat lady.
I still miss work (and by work I mean stripping). Still playing with the idea of traveling once a month for a weekend of naked debauchery and money.
I had to wake up at 7:00 am today for a meeting so I'm dead tired - cheers to whoever still reads this boring shit!
Monday, September 2, 2013
I bartend at the strip club
A friend and I went to (a male) strip club this past Friday. The same one I attended many weeks ago that my neighbor bartends at. We went for a specific purpose; a friend of hers recently got a new roommate that claimed to bartend there. After hearing this, I had a feeling he was playing the 'I bartend at the local strip club but actually I'm a stripper game'. God knows I was generally a 'cocktail waitress' at my club to most people who asked about my source of money. Anyways, we decided to hit up the club after a somewhat laid back night out to check out his story. Well, we didn't see him. At least I think we didn't. We were trashed, due to a benefactor we met at the previous club who funded our shenanigans. I wish I could extrapolate on our activities, but the memories at the club are fuzzy. I think I did encounter my bartender neighbor, I'm hoping I did nothing too embarrassing. I guess I'll always feel comfortable in strip clubs. Such a weird dynamic, I'm not sure I even understand.
I don't feel attractive anymore. My new thing is getting fully done-up every day- even for a trip to the grocery store. I used embrace the opposite approach. I knew come nighttime that I'd get all prettied up for work and gets tons of compliments and money thrown my way so I didn't care how I looked during the day. Now I get nothing. Maybe if I were dating someone things would be a little better on that front. Probably not. It seems that none of the people I've dated have ever thought much of my looks. I don't remember getting many compliments from past partners.
I'm still bored with what I'm doing. I'm looking for other jobs. I don't have any idea of what would keep me entertained and happy at this point.
Luckily when I went to buy a new razor today the store I was at also sold champagne. I obviously bought a bottle because I love champagne. Despite this, I'm still doing so much better on the alcohol front. I generally only drink socially now, and on nights like tonight I stay away from liquor and keep it to one bottle of champagne. Probably still a lot to most people, but definitely a lot better than in the past.
I don't feel attractive anymore. My new thing is getting fully done-up every day- even for a trip to the grocery store. I used embrace the opposite approach. I knew come nighttime that I'd get all prettied up for work and gets tons of compliments and money thrown my way so I didn't care how I looked during the day. Now I get nothing. Maybe if I were dating someone things would be a little better on that front. Probably not. It seems that none of the people I've dated have ever thought much of my looks. I don't remember getting many compliments from past partners.
I'm still bored with what I'm doing. I'm looking for other jobs. I don't have any idea of what would keep me entertained and happy at this point.
Luckily when I went to buy a new razor today the store I was at also sold champagne. I obviously bought a bottle because I love champagne. Despite this, I'm still doing so much better on the alcohol front. I generally only drink socially now, and on nights like tonight I stay away from liquor and keep it to one bottle of champagne. Probably still a lot to most people, but definitely a lot better than in the past.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
So bored
I hate my life now. Hate it. You'd think that getting a real job and cleaning up your alcohol and drug use would make someone happier...you'd be wrong.
Confession time.
So a few months back when I was drunkenly hanging with the mexican I skipped a period. For some strange reason I had a feeling I was pregnant. I remember leaving work freaking out because I thought I was pregnant. I bought some home pregnancy tests but was too nervous to take them. I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Of course he was shit at communicating and it took days to get a text or a call back. I drank. I drank a lot. Probably somewhere along the lines of 1.5 fifths a day - for a week. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Relief. I've honestly never felt so stressed out in my life. I knew deep down that if I were pregnant I would have to get an abortion. I didn't want to be a single mom and I knew he wouldn't be there for me. A week or two more goes by and still no period. A week later there's blood. So much blood. I don't tell anyone and convince myself its my late period. A week later I visit my gyno. I tell him the situation and they do a pregnancy test (they do this regardless). It's negative. After the examination he says it's likely I had an early term miscarriage. He says they're very common something like 40% of all pregnancies end up miscarriages, many very early on. I don't mention my drinking. I obviously don't tell the mexican.
I suppose it turned out for the best. I've never felt so upset in my life. I've never felt so conflicted in my life; a drunk one-night-stand turned fucked up relationshippy-thing-cheater may have impregnated me. I had quit my job (mostly because I was sure I was pregnant). I knew I couldn't depend or expect anything from him. Sure I could raise a kid myself but I don't want that. I'm very much against single motherhood for whatever reason.
My life now seems very boring in comparison. I suppose it's a good thing.
Confession time.
So a few months back when I was drunkenly hanging with the mexican I skipped a period. For some strange reason I had a feeling I was pregnant. I remember leaving work freaking out because I thought I was pregnant. I bought some home pregnancy tests but was too nervous to take them. I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Of course he was shit at communicating and it took days to get a text or a call back. I drank. I drank a lot. Probably somewhere along the lines of 1.5 fifths a day - for a week. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Relief. I've honestly never felt so stressed out in my life. I knew deep down that if I were pregnant I would have to get an abortion. I didn't want to be a single mom and I knew he wouldn't be there for me. A week or two more goes by and still no period. A week later there's blood. So much blood. I don't tell anyone and convince myself its my late period. A week later I visit my gyno. I tell him the situation and they do a pregnancy test (they do this regardless). It's negative. After the examination he says it's likely I had an early term miscarriage. He says they're very common something like 40% of all pregnancies end up miscarriages, many very early on. I don't mention my drinking. I obviously don't tell the mexican.
I suppose it turned out for the best. I've never felt so upset in my life. I've never felt so conflicted in my life; a drunk one-night-stand turned fucked up relationshippy-thing-cheater may have impregnated me. I had quit my job (mostly because I was sure I was pregnant). I knew I couldn't depend or expect anything from him. Sure I could raise a kid myself but I don't want that. I'm very much against single motherhood for whatever reason.
My life now seems very boring in comparison. I suppose it's a good thing.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
regressing
So...seems as if being a sober and productive member of society just isn't my thing. Just killed a bottle of champagne; told myself that I would at least stay off the hard liquor during the work week. Work is boring me; I miss the stripping.
I called the Ex the other night - just checked and we had a 92 minute conversation. I remember him being very bitter about relationships and women. At least he always answers the phone. I hate when people I've dated ignore me. Even if I have no interest in you I want you to answer the damn phone - it's an ego thing.
I called the Mexican too. He did not answer but sent a text a bit later. Probably for the best.
I guess I miss the spontaneity of my old life; I feel like it's cute when you're 19, not so much when you're 25.
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow so I'm glad I kept it to champagne. Just wish I could be satisfied with a normal life.
Might be back to stripping soon, who knows...'Least I'll have blog material.
I called the Ex the other night - just checked and we had a 92 minute conversation. I remember him being very bitter about relationships and women. At least he always answers the phone. I hate when people I've dated ignore me. Even if I have no interest in you I want you to answer the damn phone - it's an ego thing.
I called the Mexican too. He did not answer but sent a text a bit later. Probably for the best.
I guess I miss the spontaneity of my old life; I feel like it's cute when you're 19, not so much when you're 25.
I have a pretty busy day tomorrow so I'm glad I kept it to champagne. Just wish I could be satisfied with a normal life.
Might be back to stripping soon, who knows...'Least I'll have blog material.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
B-O-R-I-N-G
Well, my life is officially boring. Maybe this is why I drank. I suppose I've done well on the no-drinking front - haven't had any alcohol with the exception of maybe 4 drinks last Saturday and 2 on Sunday. I know I wasn't supposed to imbibe at all, per my psychiatrist's instructions, but oh well. I maintained control of my intake.
I'm got a marketing analyst job. Like a normie.
I still miss work. I dream I'm back at the club nearly every night, it's so weird. Still playing with the idea of traveling and working a weekend in another city every so often.
Both my closest friends are dating people; one is still dating the mexican's old roommate (over 2 years now!), and the other is dating a guy from her work. This means I'll start dating someone soon because I hate being the only one without someone. Whenever we go do anything its me and two couples. Boo. That's sort of what prompted me to hang out with the mexican however many years ago (2). Maybe workplace guy has a roommate I can sleep with, ha.
I miss the craziness of my old life. Growing up sucks.
I'm got a marketing analyst job. Like a normie.
I still miss work. I dream I'm back at the club nearly every night, it's so weird. Still playing with the idea of traveling and working a weekend in another city every so often.
Both my closest friends are dating people; one is still dating the mexican's old roommate (over 2 years now!), and the other is dating a guy from her work. This means I'll start dating someone soon because I hate being the only one without someone. Whenever we go do anything its me and two couples. Boo. That's sort of what prompted me to hang out with the mexican however many years ago (2). Maybe workplace guy has a roommate I can sleep with, ha.
I miss the craziness of my old life. Growing up sucks.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
One week
So I've been completely alcohol free for one week and one day. I feel amazing. I guess I haven't been sober this many consecutive days since last summer when I did my little 2 month sobriety stint. It's like I have a whole new personality; to the point where people around me have noticed a change in my demeanor.
I'm pretty sure I've also landed myself a grown-up job. It's a marketing position, I'm excited to see how I like it.
Unfortunately I do find myself missing work. Not my club, specifically, but stripping. I'm starting to play with the idea of traveling out of town one or two weekends a month to work in various clubs in the southeast. To help with some extra cash and to alleviate some of the boredom I'm feeling being a normal person. We'll see.
Being sober is going to lead to an extra boring blog - I now realize that most 'drama' in my life is alcohol fueled. Imagine that!
I'm pretty sure I've also landed myself a grown-up job. It's a marketing position, I'm excited to see how I like it.
Unfortunately I do find myself missing work. Not my club, specifically, but stripping. I'm starting to play with the idea of traveling out of town one or two weekends a month to work in various clubs in the southeast. To help with some extra cash and to alleviate some of the boredom I'm feeling being a normal person. We'll see.
Being sober is going to lead to an extra boring blog - I now realize that most 'drama' in my life is alcohol fueled. Imagine that!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Done
So after a 3 or 4 or 5 day bender (you tend to lose track of time when you're trashed for days at a time) and the scariest withdrawal episode of my life it turns out I do have pretty extensive liver damage as well as an acute case of pancreatitis. The somewhat good news is that both are still reversible at this stage, predicated on the fact that I quit drinking.
I now know [honestly I've known for a while] I need to quit - for good. I am at the stage where if I don't I am going to die. It's not the dying that bothers me, but I think it would be an embarrassing way to go. I recently attended a family member's funeral who was an alcoholic. Funnily enough his actual cause of death was COPD, but his alcoholism was a contributing factor to his deteriorated health. He made it to 60, which was frankly older than most of us thought he would. He was in very poor health for the last 10 years of his life. Anyways, at the funeral I noticed all the stories and eulogies given by friends and family members had one think in common. He was nothing but a good guy, if not a bit of deadbeat, but everyone started their speeches with "we all know [deceased] loved to have a good time, probably too much..." or "[deceased was no stranger to alcohol..." That's what everyone knew him as; the alcoholic. I realized that my funeral would be very similar, well, with less attendees because God only knows that most people don't think I'm a very good person and I'm sort of short on friends; but the two or three people in attendance would probably mention my drinking, especially if it was the cause of my death. I don't want to be known as the alcoholic, a title I can only blame myself for. Truth be told, I don't want to be known.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow, something I should have done 6 years ago or so. I guess I always had the attitude that people on medication for mood disorders were weak. Because we all know drinking a fifth of vodka a day and going on week long benders is a much more impressive way to deal with problems.
I guess I figured I could always make excuses for my drinking. In the beginning there was truth to my excuses; I drank at work because it made it easier to not think about what I was doing and hey, it was fun. I drank at bars because I went out with friends a lot. I drank at the pool all day because it's a holiday weekend. It's only when I started drinking by myself at my apartment that these excuses tended to fall apart. Now I don't necessarily think that day drinking or even drinking alone are indicative of alcoholism. Drinking to the point of incoherence and then risking your life and the lives of people around you to drive to the liquor store to continue drinking is definitely indicative of a problem.
Whether I was self medicating or bored or depressed or whatever I don't even know. I was so good at rationalizing and lying to myself that I can't even tell you what my reasons were. At the time I put a lot of blame on the ex. No doubt what he did was shitty - ditching me to go to a wedding with his ex and not telling me or contacting me - definitely shitty. Most people have crappy relationships and break ups and deal with sadness for a while and then get the fuck over it. Causing it to debilitate you to the extent of barely functioning indicates a deeper problem.
Point is, I'm not sure where my love of alcohol turned into dependence on alcohol, but it definitely happened somewhere along the line. Everything I read says that alcoholics, if they decide to quit, need to quit for good. Some get the idea that they can moderate their drinking after a bout of sobriety and within a week or two they're back to crippling alcoholism. I guess that means I'm done. Not to mention my dying liver and pancreas. It's going to be hard. My friends, all two of them, are heavy drinkers. Not in the same way I am, but they like to go out and drink and they drink a lot; usually to the point of blacking out or incoherence. I'm not looking forward to be the person that has to say no to every drink. I used to make fun of those people. "I can't trust someone who doesn't drink," is what I'd always say. Oh well.
I really hope my shrink appointment goes well. Even if it means going on anti depressants or anxiety medication for a while; God knows that's a hell of a lot less embarrassing than being some loser alcoholic.
In other less depressing news, I stopped by a nearby strip club last week because my neighbor works as a bartender there and she said I should stop by and check it out. I guess they're looking for a waitress, but in my sober state I know that working there would lead me back down the same path of self destruction. Well, I ran into a customer there, and he bought me a dance. From a guy. This is the club I worked at for a few weeks 5 or so years ago; the one with a guys' side and a girls' side. The dance I got this time was even more disturbing than the dance I got there a few years ago. The male stripper not only took his penis out, he started rubbing it on me. His bare penis was rubbing my chest. I was grossed out and asked him if he was gay, he said no. Luckily the dance didn't last very long and I left shortly after to go sanitize my penis caressed body at my apartment. I wonder if the guys I danced for doused themselves in sanitizer after they left - I sure did! There was never any genital on skin contact in my dances, so it's still way less grody.
I now know [honestly I've known for a while] I need to quit - for good. I am at the stage where if I don't I am going to die. It's not the dying that bothers me, but I think it would be an embarrassing way to go. I recently attended a family member's funeral who was an alcoholic. Funnily enough his actual cause of death was COPD, but his alcoholism was a contributing factor to his deteriorated health. He made it to 60, which was frankly older than most of us thought he would. He was in very poor health for the last 10 years of his life. Anyways, at the funeral I noticed all the stories and eulogies given by friends and family members had one think in common. He was nothing but a good guy, if not a bit of deadbeat, but everyone started their speeches with "we all know [deceased] loved to have a good time, probably too much..." or "[deceased was no stranger to alcohol..." That's what everyone knew him as; the alcoholic. I realized that my funeral would be very similar, well, with less attendees because God only knows that most people don't think I'm a very good person and I'm sort of short on friends; but the two or three people in attendance would probably mention my drinking, especially if it was the cause of my death. I don't want to be known as the alcoholic, a title I can only blame myself for. Truth be told, I don't want to be known.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow, something I should have done 6 years ago or so. I guess I always had the attitude that people on medication for mood disorders were weak. Because we all know drinking a fifth of vodka a day and going on week long benders is a much more impressive way to deal with problems.
I guess I figured I could always make excuses for my drinking. In the beginning there was truth to my excuses; I drank at work because it made it easier to not think about what I was doing and hey, it was fun. I drank at bars because I went out with friends a lot. I drank at the pool all day because it's a holiday weekend. It's only when I started drinking by myself at my apartment that these excuses tended to fall apart. Now I don't necessarily think that day drinking or even drinking alone are indicative of alcoholism. Drinking to the point of incoherence and then risking your life and the lives of people around you to drive to the liquor store to continue drinking is definitely indicative of a problem.
Whether I was self medicating or bored or depressed or whatever I don't even know. I was so good at rationalizing and lying to myself that I can't even tell you what my reasons were. At the time I put a lot of blame on the ex. No doubt what he did was shitty - ditching me to go to a wedding with his ex and not telling me or contacting me - definitely shitty. Most people have crappy relationships and break ups and deal with sadness for a while and then get the fuck over it. Causing it to debilitate you to the extent of barely functioning indicates a deeper problem.
Point is, I'm not sure where my love of alcohol turned into dependence on alcohol, but it definitely happened somewhere along the line. Everything I read says that alcoholics, if they decide to quit, need to quit for good. Some get the idea that they can moderate their drinking after a bout of sobriety and within a week or two they're back to crippling alcoholism. I guess that means I'm done. Not to mention my dying liver and pancreas. It's going to be hard. My friends, all two of them, are heavy drinkers. Not in the same way I am, but they like to go out and drink and they drink a lot; usually to the point of blacking out or incoherence. I'm not looking forward to be the person that has to say no to every drink. I used to make fun of those people. "I can't trust someone who doesn't drink," is what I'd always say. Oh well.
I really hope my shrink appointment goes well. Even if it means going on anti depressants or anxiety medication for a while; God knows that's a hell of a lot less embarrassing than being some loser alcoholic.
In other less depressing news, I stopped by a nearby strip club last week because my neighbor works as a bartender there and she said I should stop by and check it out. I guess they're looking for a waitress, but in my sober state I know that working there would lead me back down the same path of self destruction. Well, I ran into a customer there, and he bought me a dance. From a guy. This is the club I worked at for a few weeks 5 or so years ago; the one with a guys' side and a girls' side. The dance I got this time was even more disturbing than the dance I got there a few years ago. The male stripper not only took his penis out, he started rubbing it on me. His bare penis was rubbing my chest. I was grossed out and asked him if he was gay, he said no. Luckily the dance didn't last very long and I left shortly after to go sanitize my penis caressed body at my apartment. I wonder if the guys I danced for doused themselves in sanitizer after they left - I sure did! There was never any genital on skin contact in my dances, so it's still way less grody.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
The last update
So I officially quit for good when I graduated in May. We'll see if this quitting sessions lasts; I have a feeling it will.
I had to stop by my work the other night to ask for a favor (which was granted ), and it got me thinking about my time at the club. Every time I walk in after a break it's the same feeling. The feeling of familiarity. Every single time it's though I never left. I miss it. I miss it every day. I suppose I tend to miss things that I don't have anymore, even if I hated them while experiencing them.
The house mom said it was good to see me, and gave me back my license that I left there months ago. I'm going to bring her some lottery tickets next week as a thank you for helping me out in my latest...endeavor. She loves lottery tickets.
When I reflect upon my time as a stripper I wish I had more cognizant thoughts on the matter. Disregarding the fact that I was drunk out of my mind 80% of the time, even sober I can't articulate the experience. What did I learn? How did this job affect me?
People tend to separate into two camps when it comes to strippers; either they see it as degrading and gross, men taking advantage of damaged and desperate girls, or empowering; women using their sexuality to their advantage on their own terms. I'm not sure I belong to either camp. Were there times I felt degraded? Not really. I was frustrated and disappointed a lot; when a customer didn't spend as much money as I hoped or I got denied for dances. Were there times I felt empowered? Maybe powerful, but not empowered. Sure, I could get men to spend ridiculous amounts of money on me. Yeah they would sit there, eyes fixated on my body in some sort of trance. But empowered? No. Unfortunately I generally felt blank. I would remove myself from the situation entirely, going through the motions but not processing any of it. Almost 6 years of being absent from myself. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my age. I don't feel 25. The time I spent stripping shouldn't count. I wasn't growing and developing as a person; I was frozen.
Hopefully I can get myself a college degree-worthy career and start becoming a better person.
I had to stop by my work the other night to ask for a favor (which was granted ), and it got me thinking about my time at the club. Every time I walk in after a break it's the same feeling. The feeling of familiarity. Every single time it's though I never left. I miss it. I miss it every day. I suppose I tend to miss things that I don't have anymore, even if I hated them while experiencing them.
The house mom said it was good to see me, and gave me back my license that I left there months ago. I'm going to bring her some lottery tickets next week as a thank you for helping me out in my latest...endeavor. She loves lottery tickets.
When I reflect upon my time as a stripper I wish I had more cognizant thoughts on the matter. Disregarding the fact that I was drunk out of my mind 80% of the time, even sober I can't articulate the experience. What did I learn? How did this job affect me?
People tend to separate into two camps when it comes to strippers; either they see it as degrading and gross, men taking advantage of damaged and desperate girls, or empowering; women using their sexuality to their advantage on their own terms. I'm not sure I belong to either camp. Were there times I felt degraded? Not really. I was frustrated and disappointed a lot; when a customer didn't spend as much money as I hoped or I got denied for dances. Were there times I felt empowered? Maybe powerful, but not empowered. Sure, I could get men to spend ridiculous amounts of money on me. Yeah they would sit there, eyes fixated on my body in some sort of trance. But empowered? No. Unfortunately I generally felt blank. I would remove myself from the situation entirely, going through the motions but not processing any of it. Almost 6 years of being absent from myself. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my age. I don't feel 25. The time I spent stripping shouldn't count. I wasn't growing and developing as a person; I was frozen.
Hopefully I can get myself a college degree-worthy career and start becoming a better person.
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