missing it

So I quit stripping 3 months ago. Haven't been back to the club, not even once, since. Why did I quit? A few reasons:

1)Burn-out. It's very real, and in this industry it doesn't take too long to kick in. Making it in each night was a chore. There was no excitement. As soon as I got to work I went straight to the bar. Straight to my double stoli shot. Straight to another, and another and another...

2) The Mexican. Never quit for a guy. That's what all the seasoned strippers will tell you. They probably know because they've done it. And based on their advice, I'm guessing it didn't work out. Well, the mexican finally gave me an ultimatum: 'your job or me'. Ugh. I guess I really liked him. I do really like him-but our relationship is not a healthy one. More on that later.

3)school. So I'm back in real person school. I acutally only have one more semester (4 classes) 'til I graduate. When I try to do the work and school thing, my schooling suffers. I'm tired, I'm hungover, and mostly I'm more concerned about making money than doing well in school. I felt like if I could just make it through my last few classes and get a real job, I could leave the club behind forever.

So now onto the missing it part. I miss it. I think about it every day. The money, the feeling of being adored, even if just for your body, the spontaniety. Mostly the money, though.

My personality has suffered. I'm moodier. I cry more. I cry a fucking lot. I never used to cry. I thought my relationship with the mexican would get better after I quit. it didn't. Instead of fighting about my work, we just fight about other stupid shit. I just feel like this crazy, moody, psycho girl, and I'm not used to it.

I keep thinking I could just go back for a few days a month. Just enough to cover bills. So I don't have to keep dipping into savings. My scholarship ran out this semester, so I'm going to have to pay for my last semester in full.

It's not as easy as just going back. My pride would be hurt. My mom will be disappointed. I feel like as soon as I walk back into the club everyone will judge me. 'Oh, she couldn't do it. She couldn't quit for good.' "They always come back"-that's what we always would say when girls would quit. I guess it's true.