Sometimes I think about bad things I've done that no one knows about and I get freaked out. I'll be paranoid for a few days that people are catching on and they know.

Why do people do things that they know they'll regret. Is immediate gratification that important...

Every so often I'll get in a mood. I get this feeling of complete control. Everything I say and do is just to evoke a certain reaction to amuse me. I don't care about any of these people or things. It's a state of complete selfishness. I can get whatever I want and do anything to get it. No remorse or regret. Every feeling that I emote is fake-just another tool to achieve what I want.

Then other times I do a 180. I wonder about everyone else. Why people do the things they do to eachother. About people who get married and supposedly love eachother more than anything in the world, and then go and get divorced a few years later and never speak again. Were those feelings they had real? How can you love someone so much and then just cease to care about them out of nowhere.

Failure

I haven't been doing too well lately. Not in any one facet of my life, just in general. I make good money when I manage to make it in to work, but I've just not been able to go regularly for the past month or so. I went from working 4 nights a week to a mere 1 or 2 nights a week. Just enough to cover my necessary expenses.

I growing sick of the few friends I do have, but what am I supposed to do? I can't alienate myself from the few friends I do have and be completely alone. I know it would be terribly unhealthy, especially in my current state of mind.

I find myself feeling regretful and remorseful of the past. I feel like I always mess things up beyond repair. But I feel so bored if I'm not doing the very things that I later grow to regret. Where's the balance? Why do I always lash out too much...

There's nothing that I'm excited for. I'm not looking forward to anything-and it's killing me.