familiar

It's been a while, but my life is pretty uneventful as of late.

Today I made a trip to the bank, and as I was walking out (after my very flirtatious teller reminding me he's single for the thousandth time) I glanced up at a man walking past me. 'Hmmm looks familiar'...then it hit me. He was a customer of mine. Not just any customer, but one of my money customers. I could always count on him for more than a grand any time he came in. It's odd because if I remember correctly (and despite my alcohol logged brain, I do) he lives in another state and my bank exists in my home state only. I should have gone to work tonight considering he's in town, but I didn't. Story of my life!

Back to the Grind

Worked Wednesday, yesterday, and will be working tonight. My life is completely identical as it was 4 years ago, except for my ga tech diploma sitting on my dresser still in its cardboard tube.

Wednesday was decent, has a vip at the very end of the night with one of my old customers from back in the day. Last night was horrible. I got demoralized very early on in the night and never recovered. I definitely spent more than 1/2 my work hours in the dressing room playing phone games. I blew .00 on the breathalyzer both nights. Reminds me of my early stripping days where I was actually nicknamed double zero by the house mom because that's what I always blew. I'm thinking (hoping) tonight will be good. I think I have a customer who does 1 hr vips coming in; I really need that to pan out!

The club is the same but different. The girls are...not as pretty as I remember. The hiring standards seem to have fallen. Most people would think this would be a good thing for...less trashy looking strippers...but unfortunately with the trash-tastic look also comes more raunchy behavior. It's hard to convince a guy to get a second dance from you when there's some girl doing a solid 3 minutes of dick bouncing within his field of vision. Plus I'm just not back in my stripper groove yet. I still have approach anxiety - but that will disappear with more hours logged in the club.

Knuckles is dealing alright so far, but I can tell it is only a matter of time before things come to a head. One thing I learned from my time with the Mexican is that quitting my job will not ensure a functional (monogamous) relationship, and will lead to heavy drinking and depression.

I'm attending a festival on Saturday; the same festival that ended in me being strapped to a gurney and hospitalized a few years ago. Definitely not going down that road again. I actually haven't had a drink since last Saturday come to think of it.

White Valentine's

So I worked last night- Valentine's day of course.

Things are still going strong with knuckles, but he had to work today due to all the snow/ice that's been hanging around. When I got home from work last night he had completely decorated my whole apartment for Valentine's day. Balloons, streamers, fiber optic  light thingies - it was cheesy but cute.

The Mexican texted me yesterday to ask what I was doing that night...Um. We do talk quite a bit. I can't explain our weird bond. I'm pretty sure it's predicated on our lack of good decision making and need for instant gratification. He will invite me over and then as the evening progresses and  he becomes more inebriated his text messages become more sad and convoluted. I hope he figures things out.

Work was...well how it always is I guess. I didn't make much money; $300 to be exact. We had far more girls than we usually have on Valentine's day and a typical, but vastly smaller, Friday crowd.

The highlight, and by highlight I mean most rage inducing moment, of my night was when a little Colombian man grabbed my hand and shoved a baggie of coke in it. Just put it right in there. Didn't ask if I wanted to 'party' or make any inquiries as to my drug proclivities...I guess his thought process was 'stripper---->likes coke'. Normally I would have welcomed a little pick me up on a slow Friday, but his manner of bestowing his drugs on me pissed me off and I pretended to stick the baggie in my bra while actually dropping it on the floor.

Of course I drank too much and blew a .16 which necessitated a cab ride home further depleting my meager earnings. If I hadn't been late (late fine!), and hadn't been a drunk (cab fare!) I would have probably gone home with ~$400 which in these times of financial stress would have satisfied me.

I did contact some of my old regulars, and while none of them could make it in last night, they will be paying me visits in the future so at least I can count of some money in the upcoming days.

I can't wait for Hawaii!

Back to reality

I bit the bullet and got my job back at the club tonight. It was out of necessity; I am hemorrhaging money. I start back Friday. Apparently Fridays are now theme nights and this Friday's theme is Egyptian (blue & gold). The house mom said I could basically just do my eyes in blue and gold and that would count. I saw my favorite bouncer when I stopped in tonight; I was so worried I'd be embarrassed to resort back to stripping but no one seemed disappointed or judgmental.

I'm not sure how knuckles is going to handle it. I've informed him and he seems to be justifiably concerned/bothered, but it's not a deal-breaker so far. We'll see what happens when I get back into the full swing of things.

One of the main reasons I returned is that I'm moving to Hawaii in June (with knuckles if things don't go sour). Hawaii is expensive and I doubt I'll have a job set up there when I move. I do actually have another job at the moment, but it's only part time and I'm making $400-$600/month, so basically restaurant and bar money.

I'm excited to work again for entertainment reasons mostly. We'll see.

Things that start fast end fast...

I still feel numb. I stopped taking the medication - I wasn't noticing much of a difference and I wanted to enjoy food again. I'm not unhappy; I just feel blank. Well except when I'm drinking, which hasn't been often lately.

I'm still dating knuckles. Things are moving kind of fast but it doesn't bother me. I guess because I'm not emotionally attached I don't have the fear of losing him that would normally make people hesitate to move quickly. He's very nice to me. Almost too nice - makes me suspicious. Maybe I'm just so used to being ignored or treated not that well that this seems less genuine. I do hope I grow to like him. I spent the weekend at his place and met his brother and his brother's wife. I got drunk with his brother's wife on Saturday night and things were fun and going well until the very end of the night when I started to be mean to him. I think this drunken meaness is a learned response from when I was with the Mexican. Since every other night ended in him yelling at me for various reasons (mostly my job) I learned to start being mean back. Now I just go into attack mode when I'm around a guy I'm sleeping with. I only become a mean drunk around guys I'm sleeping with; I'm all laughs and smiles when I'm drunk around my girl friends.

Not only was I being a massive bitch Saturday night, but the Mexican decided to blow up my phone with what I assume were drunken texts and calls. Of course knuckles was a little annoyed by this (I would have been too), but there wasn't much I could do other than ignore them. Here is the string of texts I received:

Mexican: What you doin?
Mexican: Come here
Mexican: Hello???
Mexican: SociopathicStripper!!!!
Me: Are you drunk? (note this is the only response I gave)
Mexican: No I'm babysitting
Mexican: Come over
Mexican: You coming???
Mexican: Hello?
Mexican: Welp. Seeya later
Mexican: Jerk, where are you? Let's make love maybe?!?!?!
Mexican: Never mind good night
Mexican: Are you awake? Just tell me
Mexican: SOCIOPATHICSTRIPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mexican: Dude are you awake? why won't you talk to me?
Mexican: There is something I have to tell you?
Mexican: Are you coming over, I'm going to bed if your not, let me know ma
Mexican: Just say yes or no babe, I've been waiting
Mexican: I know your up, why wont you talk to me? I miss you
Mexican: Welp. Seeya later.

And then there were phone calls and a voicemail which I still haven't listened to. I know it will either piss me off or make me sad and I don't feel like having either of those emotions at the moment. I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm guessing he saw that I started dating someone on facebook somehow (we're not facebook friends) and that's what triggered that little episode. I do miss him for some odd reason. I actually hold off on crying after having sex with knuckles on Sunday because I felt guilty for still having feelings for the Mexican. I'm still hoping I will start to become more attached to knuckles; I remember not really liking the Mexican for the first few months too. It takes me a while to warm up to people.

I think I got a part time job as a math tutor. I think I'll like it - I love teaching people and I love math.

Knuckles

So I had my date last night...It went well I guess. I slept with him. I think it was mostly to get over the Mexican. Who of course texted me last night. Dudes have some weird sense that tells them when the girls they used to fuck have moved on and always decide to initiate contact at that time.

New dude, who I'm gonna refer to as knuckles, is kinda sweet. I don't really like him yet - it takes me a few months to warm up to people. He has tattoos on his arms, shoulder and knuckles. Never thought I'd date a guy with knuckle tattoos. He has a crazy past - ex drug dealer, served some time in jail, partied too much...but he's 32 now and seems to have chilled out a lot. He wants me to meet his brother and his brother's wife this friday. Seems to be a little fast. We're hanging out tomorrow for new year's eve. My cat likes him. I still miss the Mexican, but I hope I will warm up to this new dude.

Wagons are boring

Well it's been 12 days since my last drink. My pancreas feels...well I can't feel it at all which is probably a good thing. Still taking the meds. I'm not sure if they're having an effect. I think I feel a little happier, but then I wonder if it's just the placebo effect. I do know that I have no appetite. None. I've never had this much of an appetite loss in my life. I'm hoping it's due to the medication and not organ damage. Other than that I feel pretty healthy.

The Mexican texted me the other night. Just asking how I was doing. His exact words "I was just thinking of you, wanted to check in." Man I hate pity texts. I lied and said I was doing really really well. I'm doing ok - really really well is a stretch. He apparently drank a ton the night before and just laid in bed feeling like shit all day. I don't miss that I guess. That's probably why he was thinking of me - 'hmm this is something sociopathicstripper does often, I wonder if she's still alive...'

In stripper news, one of the big clubs in my city just got incorporated into the local city and now is no longer allowed to serve alcohol or have nude dancing. That is going to destroy so many incomes. This is definitely the 2nd best club in the city (and state). I'm guessing a bunch of the girls will migrate to my old club causing a bunch of issues; mostly over-saturation. It's gonna hurt the county too - lots of revenue from that club. I'm curious to see how this will all pan out. It's probably a good thing for me because I've been tossing the idea of working at said club around in my head, but not now!

The date that I kept flaking on still wants to meet me, so we're meeting up on Sunday. A friend of mine also scheduled a date Sunday, so we're going to have our dinners separately and then meet up afterwards for drinks (shirley fucking temples for me I guess). I haven't informed my date of this plan yet. I think I'll spring it on him during the dinner. Even if I don't like him, he should provide me with entertainment. He seems super testosterone-y, and those ones are always the best for alleviating boredom.

Since no real employers seem that keen on hiring me, I'm gonna start applying for waitressing jobs after the holidays. I'm regressing.