Wants

I would love nothing more right now than a huge pile of cocaine in front of me.

Hmmm

So I was reading another stripper blog and this passage really stood out

"...but when it comes down to it, i think we're all on the same level playing field. i think it affects you no matter what, and it damages you. i very rarely see (i can't think of any, actually, but that doesn't mean i haven't come across one) a stripper in a happy, healthy, monogamous relationship. maybe i'm not cut out for this. " -stripperbarbie

Nothing unusual

I have hardly worked at all in the past few months. I'm so lazy and work hasn't been all the busy lately.

I can't believe I've been doing this for more than a year now. I've been at my current club for a year now, which means I have to get my permit renewed. Another 300 dollars down the drain.

My regular who's been keeping me supplied with a steady stream of coke and opiates is about to fly the coup, so to speak. I can tell he's unhappy with the fact that I'm never going to meet him OTC.

My lease is up in two months, which means that I'm probably going to move again. Moving is a love/hate thing for me. On one hand I like being some place new, on the other I hate having to physically move all of my stuff. My furniture is fucking heavy. I think I might sell it and get
some cheap IKEA shit.

I can't wait to go on vacation or something. I like having stuff to look forward to.

I don't know what to do.

My roommate situation is not going well at all. He treats me terribly-and only me. I see how he acts with his 'friends' and family and it's night and day. The other day he had the audacity to tell me to buy him a whole new bottle of ketchup after I asked if I could use a little bit for my fries. We're talking a teaspoon sized amount.

This is after I've: driven him to and from his job while his car was in the shop, picked his drunk ass up from some bars downtown at 4:30 in the morning even though he was a complete asshole to me the entire week. Let him borrow money to go rock-climbing because his drunk ass lost his debit card. Then when I brought up an incident that happened a while ago involving him not letting me borrow a stamp he told me to 'not make this personal.' Fuck him.

I'm trying so hard to be nice to this man and it's not effective. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. It's hard enough living with this person who I still inexplicably have feelings for. I cannot deal with his animosity towards me.

Last night I went out and ended up doing coke with some old married dude in the sleazy bathroom of a shitty little bar. My coping skills are obsolete.

Tonight I'm going into work because my regular is going to be there and I know he'll have plenty of drugs that I know I'm going to end up ingesting because I'm fucking miserable right now.

I just don't know what to do. Every day is painful and I just don't want to deal with anything any more.

Pissed off.

Everyone in my life seems extra incompetent right now.

My retarded roommate has invited his pregnant sister to stay with us at our apartment until she has her kid. I like his sister, she's a really cool girl, and I really have no problem with her staying for a few weeks. The problem is that dumb-fuck roommate is going out of town for 5 days while his sister (and her sketchy boyfriend) crashes at our place. I don't care if you invite a family member in need to stay with you but don't be so fucking inconsiderate as to skip town for a week. Now I have to put my life on hold so he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Selfish fuck.

I'm so sick of work and haven't made jack shit lately.

I hardly ever go to school, so I can't complain too much about that, but I'm not doing that well due to my lack of attendance.

I'm super grumpy because I'm hungry and have to lose 5 lbs by Monday and I just want everyone to die.

Would you like some oxy with that cash?

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm falling into the stripper trap. A lifestyle that I know is unhealthy and damaging, yet I find it alluring. Sometimes I just want to be irresponsible and out-of-control and be too fucked up to give a damn.

The other night I tried some oxycontin that a good customer of mine brought it. It was pretty powerful stuff, and the fact that I was drinking didn't help matters. The feeling was intensely wonderful immediately after ingestion, but a few hours later I was fucked up beyond repair. I remember on the drive home (a short one, thankfully) I was so acutely aware of everything around me; a combination of paranoia and the drugs, probably. Then as I was laying on the couch time would just stop momentarily. I wondered if I was dying, but not in a panicky way. The next day I had a pretty decent hangover.

I'm working tonight-St. Patrick's Day, which is exciting because I have a St. Patrick's Day garter. I've been only working 1-2 days a week lately, but luckily I've been doing pretty well monitarily.

It's somewhat difficult living with my current roommate. Not because he's messy or obnoxious or anything so concrete. It's just difficult living with someone who you've dated, no matter how terrible the relationship was. I think it's just a case of wanting what you can't have and not caring about what you do.

$$$

I had my first + $1,000 night the other night. It was wonderful; paid my rent and all my months bills in one night of work.