What a weekend

Well after taking one day off from drinking, I was back at it. Not alone, though.

Thursday was a Christmas party at a friend's condo complex. Nothing too exciting happened. Free drinks and food all night, creepy older predatory men, pretty clothes.

Friday was a little more eventful. Hung out with a friend and three of her friends. Well, two of her friends and one of their boyfriend's. We all got pretty tipsy and her friend with the boyfriend pretty much proposed that we have a threesome. I guess I was pretty lit at this point and went home with them. I didn't actually have sex with her boyfriend, even though she kept pushing for it. I know from experience (not any of my own), that it doesn't tend to end well due to jealousy and whatnot. I mostly just made out with the girl and she screwed her boyfriend. Reminded me of my crazy stripper days, ha. Of course my friend was a bit mad at me the next day. Well, not really made, just confused. She's always told me that this girl is crazy; she's convinced she's a sociopath. I dunno. I explained to her that sex means nothing to me, at least in the emotional sense (unless I'm already emotionally attached to someone - and even then it's never been the sex (with other girls) that pissed me off, it was the lying). The next morning wasn't too awkward, no one seemed regretful so that was nice. Crazy girl actually just messaged me "dinner soon!", so I guess there'll be no drama.

Saturday was spent at a friend's house with a few other people. Did some drinking, but nothing crazy. Didn't feel too bad until Saturday night came along. Well, more like early Sunday morning. I started getting really severe heart pains, worse than I've ever felt. Then something weird happened; my head and heart started hurting like crazy and I couldn't move. I was kind of shaking, but I couldn't control my movements. I remember trying to reach for my phone to call someone (maybe 911), but I couldn't. Then I guess I passed out. Now I'm not sure if it even really happened or it was some kind of night terror/dream. I've had chest pains on and off all day, but don't feel too bad.  I did cancel my date I had this evening. Well, rescheduled it for Tuesday. I wish I was excited about dating, but I'm not. I just have to force myself I guess.

I got a call from the Mexican today. A good friend of his passed away on Friday - car accident. I guess he went on a little bender this weekend; told me he downed a bottle of jim last night. Then he invited me to the bar with him and his friend. I laughed and told him I can't drink today, overdid it this weekend. I told him he shouldn't drink so much either, and he said "we're like the blind leading the blind, we each chide each other about our drinking while unable to control our own habits." Very true. I told him that it was killing me and he said it was the same with him. Then he said he didn't care if he died - he's had a good enough life. I felt like I hearing myself talk. Us pitiful alcoholics.

I'm really starting to need money badly. So many job applications so little responses. The wage I'm making now is unfortunately not a living one.

Well, here's to at least 2 days sober, today and Monday, doubt I'll have a sober date  - don't think that's ever happened.

Another night - another night in the ER

So I checked myself into the hospital yesterday evening. My drinking was hitting the point to where things were gonnna get painful, and I didn't want to continue imbibing just to stop the pain.

Of course I drove myself, the hospital workers were not thrilled by that ( should note that my blood alcohol level was only .29 - not sure ridiculous.. They hooked me up to the started IV bags, loaded with mostly fluids and antivan. I also got a script for Vatican. They did full urine and blood tests. Tests whose results I actually got back. Things were ok. Surprisingly no permanent liver damage is present. Some levels were elevated, but I was told that was because of my recent drinking.

I'm liking the Ativan, its anti-anxiety medication. I feel pretty mellow - makes the coming down process much nicer. Gonna have to find a way to get a script for it again. I have a feeling I can use to it curtail the drinking. One strange side effect is that words seems to move all over the page. And it makes me clumsy.

There is no cupid here

So I recently re-actived my okCupid account. For anyone who may not know what okCupid is, it's an online dating site (a free one!) I had first made an account back when I was dating the Mexican. I knew our 'relationship' was shit and figured if I started dating other people it might make it easier to leave that whole situation behind. I actually remember the day I created my account. I hadn't heard from the Mexican for a few days and was feeling very 'over it'. About 10 minutes into making my account who do I get a call from? The Mexican of course! He invited me over for lunch. I still activated the account later in the week because a call and lunch wasn't fixing anything. I only went on one date with an okcupider while dating the Mexican, and nothing happened (well, we may have drunkenly made out), because I felt guilty despite what I knew he did on his free time. Anyways, after we went separate ways I ended up deactivating the account because I just didn't feel like dealing with dating and men.

I recently reactivated it; it's been almost 2 years now, time to get back in the game! I've only gone on one date so far, and it wasn't a very impressive one. 42 year old misogynistic lawyer who thought he was God's gift to the world. I remember towards the end our date he mentioned some girl he had gone on a date with who was upset that he never contacted her again after the date. My response; "I definitely won't be disappointed if I never hear from you again". I'm so charming!

It's a goldmine of hilarity though. I think I might start booking a few dates a week for new blog material, since stripping isn't my thing at the moment.

Speaking of stripping, I'm about a week away from getting my lazy ass back on the fucking pole. My car somehow failed its emissions test, and of course needed hundreds of dollars worth of repairs. Christmas is coming up, I like buying stuff, I miss eating out, I like spending money at bars, and my measly paycheck from my catering work I'm doing at the moment isn't cutting it. Maybe okCupid dates can source me some jobs.

Well, I have half a bottle of vodka in my freezer calling my name! (after a completely sober week.)

Fully clothed Thanksgiving

I'm going through work withdrawal right now. I always worked Thanksgiving - one of my favorite nights to work...As I was driving to my apartment this evening I passed my old club and felt the urge to stop by. I still have work dreams often.

I hung out with one of my stripper friends the other night, and surprisingly our night together helped me realize that I really don't want that life anymore. I miss it, but I know it's bad for me - like everything in my life. She's still a crazy drunk. She's been dancing for 11 years. She has a degree and she's quite smart (but a little 'off' due to the alcohol and a concussion she got from falling off the pole), but she's stuck in the trap known as the strip club. She tried to get me to work at her club with her. We used to both work at my old club, but she left (got fired for being a drunk) and went to a slightly nicer club in the vicinity. We actually met there for drinks before going out elsewhere. It's sad when you feel more comfortable in a strip club than pretty much anywhere else.

She got ridiculously drunk due to day drinking thanks to a bad date she had earlier in the day. She's gone through more boyfriends than anyone I know. Another example of how strippers can't maintain healthy relationships. Neither can ex-strippers apparently. I've been on a few dates, some with noteworthy candidates, but no. I just don't like anyone and I cannot force myself to play along. Sure I want to 'settle down' and get married and have kids I guess, but I don't want to feel bored or trapped. I see girls I went to school with - you know the type- sorority, fluffy major, mainstream job, and they meet these guys - fraternity, good family, good job, and get married. Very southern and picturesque and blah blah blah but there's no chemistry. It all just seems planned. Like they had a list and getting married to someone with qualities a, b, and c was # 12 on their 'life list'. They don't look like they have fun together (or apart). Half the time the (omg so perfect!!!) guy is cheating, and the other half of the time the girl is. I dunno. I probably just sound bitter. I probably am.

My strip club bartender neighbor invited me to her club's Christmas party. It's the club I worked at for a hot minute back in...maybe 2009? There's an open bar all night, so I'll probably be there. My alcoholic tendencies are on and off. I haven't drank since last Saturday, and haven't been alcoholic drunk for about 2 weeks. I think my alcoholism is a function of my boredom these days. The more bored I am, the more I drink.

I wish I had the ability to travel right now. I think a few months in another state (or country) would do me some good.

Being a loser

Not so much going on...

I still haven't gotten my ass out of state to work a weekend and make some cash. I'm not skinny enough right now. Working at the club put enough pressure on me to maintain my weight (well, for the most part) no matter what. If I felt like eating junk food all I had to do was picture myself naked with cellulite and fluff dancing around at work and I could resist. Now there's no reason for me to be thin - not that I've gotten obese (or even overweight), but I'm just not at my 'comfortable in public" weight.

The Mexican called me the other night. Asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and his friend. I said no. I don't much miss him anymore. I just get annoyed with the type of girls he hangs out with. It kind of hurts my ego that he considers retarded waitresses and skanky coworkers better to hang out with than me.

I don't want to fall in love with anyone - I just want everyone to be in love with me.

A trip to Mexico

So I accidentally slept with the mexican last night. How does one accidentally sleep with someone? Well, it was accidental in the sense that I did not intend to sleep with him at the night's beginning. My friend and I were supposed to meet up with some other girls at some bar, but the girls didn't show. They're the bitchy ex-sorority types who think they're way cooler than they actually are. Well, we ended up going to our local dive bar; the bar that the Mexican and I spent many a night. We go there quite a bit, but the mexican has become less of a drunk and doesn't spend so much time there anymore.

As soon as I approach the door I see him and all his friends. At this point they see us so turning around would have been awkward. In to the bar we go. The mexican is pretty happy to see me, I can tell. We drink and of course end up back at his place. I also lost my phone. His life seems the same - so does mine I guess. He invited me to hang out today but I don't think it's a good idea.

I need some changes in my life. A stagnant life leads to destructive behavior.

Leaving retirement

So I've nailed down the club I'm going to do my '2 weekends a month' stint at. It's in Tennessee, so no familiar faces. I'm hoping once I get there I'll have an epiphany and realize that I don't miss it and I quit for a reason and that will be the end of that. It's just something I need to do - for my piece of mind or something.

I partook in some cocaine usage the other weekend. It sure has been a while! I do love it; though it's a different type of love than the love I have for alcohol. I wish my relationship with alcohol was similar to my relationship with coke. Oh well. I'm here writing about 'relationships' with substances. That's how you know your life is pretty empty!

My coke night was quite exciting. I ended up in some crack house in the ghetto. Well, eventually I ended up back in my hotel room, but there was a 4 to 5 hour period of crack head madness post-club and pre-hotel. I did not try crack, even though the offer was on the table (both literally and metaphorically). It's kind of a convoluted story, I don't feel like relaying it at the moment, perhaps later.

I went on a date last Wednesday. The subject was a very obnoxious and ego-inflated 38 year old lawyer. Dating used to be pretty fun, but now, like with most things, I find it annoying. I told Mr. lawyer that I would not be disappointed if I never heard from him again at the close of our date. I'm so charming.

I'm hoping to start my weekend stripper madness at the end of October or the beginning of November. Hopefully I'll then have some actual content for my STRIPPING blog.