Fully clothed Thanksgiving

I'm going through work withdrawal right now. I always worked Thanksgiving - one of my favorite nights to work...As I was driving to my apartment this evening I passed my old club and felt the urge to stop by. I still have work dreams often.

I hung out with one of my stripper friends the other night, and surprisingly our night together helped me realize that I really don't want that life anymore. I miss it, but I know it's bad for me - like everything in my life. She's still a crazy drunk. She's been dancing for 11 years. She has a degree and she's quite smart (but a little 'off' due to the alcohol and a concussion she got from falling off the pole), but she's stuck in the trap known as the strip club. She tried to get me to work at her club with her. We used to both work at my old club, but she left (got fired for being a drunk) and went to a slightly nicer club in the vicinity. We actually met there for drinks before going out elsewhere. It's sad when you feel more comfortable in a strip club than pretty much anywhere else.

She got ridiculously drunk due to day drinking thanks to a bad date she had earlier in the day. She's gone through more boyfriends than anyone I know. Another example of how strippers can't maintain healthy relationships. Neither can ex-strippers apparently. I've been on a few dates, some with noteworthy candidates, but no. I just don't like anyone and I cannot force myself to play along. Sure I want to 'settle down' and get married and have kids I guess, but I don't want to feel bored or trapped. I see girls I went to school with - you know the type- sorority, fluffy major, mainstream job, and they meet these guys - fraternity, good family, good job, and get married. Very southern and picturesque and blah blah blah but there's no chemistry. It all just seems planned. Like they had a list and getting married to someone with qualities a, b, and c was # 12 on their 'life list'. They don't look like they have fun together (or apart). Half the time the (omg so perfect!!!) guy is cheating, and the other half of the time the girl is. I dunno. I probably just sound bitter. I probably am.

My strip club bartender neighbor invited me to her club's Christmas party. It's the club I worked at for a hot minute back in...maybe 2009? There's an open bar all night, so I'll probably be there. My alcoholic tendencies are on and off. I haven't drank since last Saturday, and haven't been alcoholic drunk for about 2 weeks. I think my alcoholism is a function of my boredom these days. The more bored I am, the more I drink.

I wish I had the ability to travel right now. I think a few months in another state (or country) would do me some good.

Being a loser

Not so much going on...

I still haven't gotten my ass out of state to work a weekend and make some cash. I'm not skinny enough right now. Working at the club put enough pressure on me to maintain my weight (well, for the most part) no matter what. If I felt like eating junk food all I had to do was picture myself naked with cellulite and fluff dancing around at work and I could resist. Now there's no reason for me to be thin - not that I've gotten obese (or even overweight), but I'm just not at my 'comfortable in public" weight.

The Mexican called me the other night. Asked if I wanted to go to the bar with him and his friend. I said no. I don't much miss him anymore. I just get annoyed with the type of girls he hangs out with. It kind of hurts my ego that he considers retarded waitresses and skanky coworkers better to hang out with than me.

I don't want to fall in love with anyone - I just want everyone to be in love with me.

A trip to Mexico

So I accidentally slept with the mexican last night. How does one accidentally sleep with someone? Well, it was accidental in the sense that I did not intend to sleep with him at the night's beginning. My friend and I were supposed to meet up with some other girls at some bar, but the girls didn't show. They're the bitchy ex-sorority types who think they're way cooler than they actually are. Well, we ended up going to our local dive bar; the bar that the Mexican and I spent many a night. We go there quite a bit, but the mexican has become less of a drunk and doesn't spend so much time there anymore.

As soon as I approach the door I see him and all his friends. At this point they see us so turning around would have been awkward. In to the bar we go. The mexican is pretty happy to see me, I can tell. We drink and of course end up back at his place. I also lost my phone. His life seems the same - so does mine I guess. He invited me to hang out today but I don't think it's a good idea.

I need some changes in my life. A stagnant life leads to destructive behavior.

Leaving retirement

So I've nailed down the club I'm going to do my '2 weekends a month' stint at. It's in Tennessee, so no familiar faces. I'm hoping once I get there I'll have an epiphany and realize that I don't miss it and I quit for a reason and that will be the end of that. It's just something I need to do - for my piece of mind or something.

I partook in some cocaine usage the other weekend. It sure has been a while! I do love it; though it's a different type of love than the love I have for alcohol. I wish my relationship with alcohol was similar to my relationship with coke. Oh well. I'm here writing about 'relationships' with substances. That's how you know your life is pretty empty!

My coke night was quite exciting. I ended up in some crack house in the ghetto. Well, eventually I ended up back in my hotel room, but there was a 4 to 5 hour period of crack head madness post-club and pre-hotel. I did not try crack, even though the offer was on the table (both literally and metaphorically). It's kind of a convoluted story, I don't feel like relaying it at the moment, perhaps later.

I went on a date last Wednesday. The subject was a very obnoxious and ego-inflated 38 year old lawyer. Dating used to be pretty fun, but now, like with most things, I find it annoying. I told Mr. lawyer that I would not be disappointed if I never heard from him again at the close of our date. I'm so charming.

I'm hoping to start my weekend stripper madness at the end of October or the beginning of November. Hopefully I'll then have some actual content for my STRIPPING blog.

The aftermath

I'm beginning to realize that my stripping career made a definite and perhaps permanent impact on my world view and personality. While I was a stripper I convinced myself that I could compartmentalize and depersonalize with the best of them, but I guess even I'm not that talented.

When how you look is your greatest occupational concern your perspective becomes skewed. Not to mention how making $400 in an hour leads to disappointment and discontent when entering the 'real world' and realizing that $400 is now 16 hours worth of actual sober and clothed work.

As I've mentioned I've been toying with the idea of stripping one or two weekends a month (out of town) to help alleviate the boredom/itch. Either that or go the sugar daddy route. I don't think I'm cut out for the sugar daddy thing though. I prefer a more cut and dry exchange of services.

Sales

Well, I'm back to the world of sales, though this time my body is not the merchandise.

I guess sales is all I've ever known, and I'm somehow decent at it even though my personality would convince most people otherwise.

I just googled my playboy 'video' and it had 41,000 views on some hack job porno site. A bit disconcerting.

I'm throwing a party for my cat's 2nd birthday on Friday - I'm officially a sad cat lady.

I still miss work (and by work I mean stripping). Still playing with the idea of traveling once a month for a weekend of naked debauchery and money.

I had to wake up at 7:00 am today for a meeting so I'm dead tired - cheers to whoever still reads this boring shit!

I bartend at the strip club

A friend and I went to (a male) strip club this past Friday. The same one I attended many weeks ago that my neighbor bartends at. We went for a specific purpose; a friend of hers recently got a new roommate that claimed to bartend there. After hearing this, I had a feeling he was playing the 'I bartend at the local strip club but actually I'm a stripper game'. God knows I was generally a 'cocktail waitress' at my club to most people who asked about my source of money. Anyways, we decided to hit up the club after a somewhat laid back night out to check out his story. Well, we didn't see him. At least I think we didn't. We were trashed, due to a benefactor we met at the previous club who funded our shenanigans. I wish I could extrapolate on our activities, but the memories at the club are fuzzy. I think I did encounter my bartender neighbor, I'm hoping I did nothing too embarrassing. I guess I'll always feel comfortable in strip clubs. Such a weird dynamic, I'm not sure I even understand.

I don't feel attractive anymore. My new thing is getting fully done-up every day- even for a trip to the grocery store. I used embrace the opposite approach. I knew come nighttime that I'd get all prettied up for work and gets tons of compliments and money thrown my way so I didn't care how I looked during the day. Now I get nothing. Maybe if I were dating someone things would be a little better on that front. Probably not. It seems that none of the people I've dated have ever thought much of my looks. I don't remember getting many compliments from past partners.

I'm still bored with what I'm doing. I'm looking for other jobs. I don't have any idea of what would keep me entertained and happy at this point.

Luckily when I went to buy a new razor today the store I was at also sold champagne. I obviously bought a bottle because I love champagne. Despite this, I'm still doing so much better on the alcohol front. I generally only drink socially now, and on nights like tonight I stay away from liquor and keep it to one bottle of champagne. Probably still a lot to most people, but definitely a lot better than in the past.