Leaving retirement

So I've nailed down the club I'm going to do my '2 weekends a month' stint at. It's in Tennessee, so no familiar faces. I'm hoping once I get there I'll have an epiphany and realize that I don't miss it and I quit for a reason and that will be the end of that. It's just something I need to do - for my piece of mind or something.

I partook in some cocaine usage the other weekend. It sure has been a while! I do love it; though it's a different type of love than the love I have for alcohol. I wish my relationship with alcohol was similar to my relationship with coke. Oh well. I'm here writing about 'relationships' with substances. That's how you know your life is pretty empty!

My coke night was quite exciting. I ended up in some crack house in the ghetto. Well, eventually I ended up back in my hotel room, but there was a 4 to 5 hour period of crack head madness post-club and pre-hotel. I did not try crack, even though the offer was on the table (both literally and metaphorically). It's kind of a convoluted story, I don't feel like relaying it at the moment, perhaps later.

I went on a date last Wednesday. The subject was a very obnoxious and ego-inflated 38 year old lawyer. Dating used to be pretty fun, but now, like with most things, I find it annoying. I told Mr. lawyer that I would not be disappointed if I never heard from him again at the close of our date. I'm so charming.

I'm hoping to start my weekend stripper madness at the end of October or the beginning of November. Hopefully I'll then have some actual content for my STRIPPING blog.

The aftermath

I'm beginning to realize that my stripping career made a definite and perhaps permanent impact on my world view and personality. While I was a stripper I convinced myself that I could compartmentalize and depersonalize with the best of them, but I guess even I'm not that talented.

When how you look is your greatest occupational concern your perspective becomes skewed. Not to mention how making $400 in an hour leads to disappointment and discontent when entering the 'real world' and realizing that $400 is now 16 hours worth of actual sober and clothed work.

As I've mentioned I've been toying with the idea of stripping one or two weekends a month (out of town) to help alleviate the boredom/itch. Either that or go the sugar daddy route. I don't think I'm cut out for the sugar daddy thing though. I prefer a more cut and dry exchange of services.

Sales

Well, I'm back to the world of sales, though this time my body is not the merchandise.

I guess sales is all I've ever known, and I'm somehow decent at it even though my personality would convince most people otherwise.

I just googled my playboy 'video' and it had 41,000 views on some hack job porno site. A bit disconcerting.

I'm throwing a party for my cat's 2nd birthday on Friday - I'm officially a sad cat lady.

I still miss work (and by work I mean stripping). Still playing with the idea of traveling once a month for a weekend of naked debauchery and money.

I had to wake up at 7:00 am today for a meeting so I'm dead tired - cheers to whoever still reads this boring shit!

I bartend at the strip club

A friend and I went to (a male) strip club this past Friday. The same one I attended many weeks ago that my neighbor bartends at. We went for a specific purpose; a friend of hers recently got a new roommate that claimed to bartend there. After hearing this, I had a feeling he was playing the 'I bartend at the local strip club but actually I'm a stripper game'. God knows I was generally a 'cocktail waitress' at my club to most people who asked about my source of money. Anyways, we decided to hit up the club after a somewhat laid back night out to check out his story. Well, we didn't see him. At least I think we didn't. We were trashed, due to a benefactor we met at the previous club who funded our shenanigans. I wish I could extrapolate on our activities, but the memories at the club are fuzzy. I think I did encounter my bartender neighbor, I'm hoping I did nothing too embarrassing. I guess I'll always feel comfortable in strip clubs. Such a weird dynamic, I'm not sure I even understand.

I don't feel attractive anymore. My new thing is getting fully done-up every day- even for a trip to the grocery store. I used embrace the opposite approach. I knew come nighttime that I'd get all prettied up for work and gets tons of compliments and money thrown my way so I didn't care how I looked during the day. Now I get nothing. Maybe if I were dating someone things would be a little better on that front. Probably not. It seems that none of the people I've dated have ever thought much of my looks. I don't remember getting many compliments from past partners.

I'm still bored with what I'm doing. I'm looking for other jobs. I don't have any idea of what would keep me entertained and happy at this point.

Luckily when I went to buy a new razor today the store I was at also sold champagne. I obviously bought a bottle because I love champagne. Despite this, I'm still doing so much better on the alcohol front. I generally only drink socially now, and on nights like tonight I stay away from liquor and keep it to one bottle of champagne. Probably still a lot to most people, but definitely a lot better than in the past.

So bored

I hate my life now. Hate it. You'd think that getting a real job and cleaning up your alcohol and drug use would make someone happier...you'd be wrong.

Confession time.

So a few months back when I was drunkenly hanging with the mexican I skipped a period. For some strange reason I had a feeling I was pregnant. I remember leaving work freaking out because I thought I was pregnant. I bought some home pregnancy tests  but was too nervous to take them. I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Of course he was shit at communicating and it took days to get a text or a call back. I drank. I drank a lot. Probably somewhere along the lines of 1.5 fifths a day - for a week. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Relief. I've honestly never felt so stressed out in my life. I knew deep down that if I were pregnant I would have to get an abortion. I didn't want to be a single mom and I knew he wouldn't be there for me. A week or two more goes by and still no period. A week later there's blood. So much blood. I don't tell anyone and convince myself its my late period. A week later I visit my gyno. I tell him the situation  and they do a pregnancy test (they do this regardless). It's negative. After the examination he says it's likely I had an early term miscarriage. He says they're very common something like 40% of all pregnancies end up miscarriages, many very early on.  I don't mention my drinking. I obviously don't tell the mexican.

I suppose it turned out for the best. I've never felt so upset in my life. I've never felt so conflicted in my life; a drunk one-night-stand turned fucked up relationshippy-thing-cheater may have impregnated me. I had quit my job (mostly because I was sure I was pregnant). I knew I couldn't depend or expect anything from him. Sure I could raise a kid myself but I don't want that. I'm very much against single motherhood for whatever reason.

My life now seems very boring in comparison. I suppose it's a good thing.

regressing

So...seems as if being a sober and productive member of society just isn't my thing. Just killed a bottle of champagne; told myself that I would at least stay off the hard liquor during the work week. Work is boring me; I miss the stripping.

I called the Ex the other night - just checked and we had a 92 minute conversation. I remember him being very bitter about relationships and women. At least he always answers the phone. I hate when people I've dated ignore me. Even if I have no interest in you I want you to answer the damn phone - it's an ego thing.

I called the Mexican too. He did not answer but sent a text a bit later. Probably for the best.

I guess I miss the spontaneity of my old life; I feel like it's cute when you're 19, not so much when you're 25.

I have a pretty busy day tomorrow so I'm glad I kept it to champagne. Just wish I could be satisfied with a normal life.

Might be back to stripping soon, who knows...'Least I'll have blog material.

B-O-R-I-N-G

Well, my life is officially boring. Maybe this is why I drank. I suppose I've done well on the no-drinking front - haven't had any alcohol with the exception of maybe 4 drinks last Saturday and 2 on Sunday. I know I wasn't supposed to imbibe at all, per my psychiatrist's instructions, but oh well. I maintained control of my intake.

I'm got a marketing analyst job. Like a normie.

I still miss work. I dream I'm back at the club nearly every night, it's so weird. Still playing with the idea of traveling and working a weekend in another city every so often.

Both my closest friends are dating people; one is still dating the mexican's old roommate (over 2 years now!), and the other is dating a guy from her work. This means I'll start dating someone soon because I hate being the only one without someone. Whenever we go do anything its me and two couples. Boo. That's sort of what prompted me to hang out with the mexican however many years ago (2). Maybe workplace guy has a roommate I can sleep with, ha.

I miss the craziness of my old life. Growing up sucks.