A hooker by any other name...

So I'm kind of an escort now. I mean, not officially, but yeah.

Last night I hung out with the sugar daddy. I think he's under the impression that we're dating, but I see it as a simple business transaction. Well, not all that simple.

He bought me a necklace from tiffany's. It's nice.

In spite of all the gifts and money I've received I don't think I'm going to be able to carry this on much longer. There's too much bullshit. I like my work because I go in, dance, make money and leave. I don't have to deal with my customers 24/7. If I were to go into escorting seriously it would have to be the same way. I can't deal with faking being someone's girlfriend.

I can fake sexual enjoyment for a little while. I can fake a good time for a little while. I can fake interest for a little while. I can only do these things for money. I cannot do this on a long term basis for any amount of money (well, maybe for an astronomically high amount and lots of mind-numbing drugs).

I cringe (on the inside) every time he touches me. Making out with him is revolting. He's not fat or ugly. His personality is a bit...clingy and over the top 'gentlemanly', but not horrible. There's just nothing there. No chemistry, no attraction. I'm fairly asexual to begin with and being sexual with someone I actually like is still a chore-this is tortuous.

I left without having sex with him last night. We were in his hotel room, a very nice hotel room might I add, and I just felt...weird. Not bad or ashamed or gross, almost stoic.

He tried, oh did he try. He played the 'just let me give you a massage' card. Men, we know this game. It's not some crafty play that us women aren't on to. We know that massage leads to groping leads to sex 95% of the time. I make a point to never allow massages to turn into sex for this very reason- out of spite!

Anyways, I guess I'll just tell him straight up that this situation isn't going to work for me. Luckily he doesn't live here so it shouldn't be too much of a hassle. I'll offer to give him back the jewelry as well :(

On another note, I've decided that I am in fact asexual and I will no longer engage in sex because it's expected of me or because it's the only way I can maintain a relationship with most normal men. If I happen to meet a guy who's asexual then awesome. If not, awesome too. I'm tired of feeling used and grossed out because I have sex even though the desire isn't there.

Off to work to hopefully make $3,000!