it's 5:30 and I still can't sleep

It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.

I feel sick because everything seems to be piling up and I just don't want to deal with any of it.

I'm tired of living. Life isn't fun anymore. I feel empty all the time and the drugs and alcohol are just a quick fix.

Every day I wake up hoping something horrible will happen to me so I can disappear without the guilt of ending my own life.

I don't think I should feel this way. I want stuff thinking it will be the key to my happiness but am disappointed when I get it. The apartments, the furniture, the clothes, the boyfriends...wanted all of it, got all of it, and still feel shitty.

I keep telling myself I feel shitty because I'm not working, and that's partly true. When I work a lot I feel happy in a shallow way. I feel happy because I'm fucked up. I feel happy because I have lots of cash on hand. I feel happy because I'm not being lazy. I don't feel like these are valid reasons to be happy. What the fuck is happy anyway? Some chemicals floating around in your brain.