Today I got a call from my former roommate concerning a recent breakup between her and her boy. She informed me that she had been 'bawling her eyes out' all day at work, due to the drama surrounding the breakup. Now, she uses this phrase a lot, I'm not sure if she means it literally, or if it's just her way of expressing an overall mood of sadness.
As I was trying my hardest to empathsize with her, it got me thinking back to the last time I cried. Now I don't cry very often. As a matter-of-fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've cried since the age of 7.
When people around me cry, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, so I would assume that me crying in front of others would have the same effect. Hence I try my damndest to never cry in the company of others.
I last cried about 3.5 months ago. I was laying in L's bed, groggily awake. He had just gotten up to go to the kitchen or something. When he came back to bed he kissed my arm. An overwhelming feeling of dread took over me, and I started to cry. Reflecting back, it seems so ridiculous. I'm assuming he had no idea of my little mini-breakdown, as he thought I was asleep. I can't really explain why such a deluge of tears burst forth at this little insignificant gesture. Maybe it was because I knew that I could never emotionally fulfill him or anyone else. Maybe it was because I knew he was just doing it out of habit, something he probably did with his ex-girlfriend, and didn't even think twice about it. Maybe I was afraid it was symbolic of something greater, more dangerous and uncharted.
To this day I still don't know.
All I know is I haven't cried since.
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