I still feel numb. I stopped taking the medication - I wasn't noticing much of a difference and I wanted to enjoy food again. I'm not unhappy; I just feel blank. Well except when I'm drinking, which hasn't been often lately.
I'm still dating knuckles. Things are moving kind of fast but it doesn't bother me. I guess because I'm not emotionally attached I don't have the fear of losing him that would normally make people hesitate to move quickly. He's very nice to me. Almost too nice - makes me suspicious. Maybe I'm just so used to being ignored or treated not that well that this seems less genuine. I do hope I grow to like him. I spent the weekend at his place and met his brother and his brother's wife. I got drunk with his brother's wife on Saturday night and things were fun and going well until the very end of the night when I started to be mean to him. I think this drunken meaness is a learned response from when I was with the Mexican. Since every other night ended in him yelling at me for various reasons (mostly my job) I learned to start being mean back. Now I just go into attack mode when I'm around a guy I'm sleeping with. I only become a mean drunk around guys I'm sleeping with; I'm all laughs and smiles when I'm drunk around my girl friends.
Not only was I being a massive bitch Saturday night, but the Mexican decided to blow up my phone with what I assume were drunken texts and calls. Of course knuckles was a little annoyed by this (I would have been too), but there wasn't much I could do other than ignore them. Here is the string of texts I received:
Mexican: What you doin?
Mexican: Come here
Mexican: Hello???
Mexican: SociopathicStripper!!!!
Me: Are you drunk? (note this is the only response I gave)
Mexican: No I'm babysitting
Mexican: Come over
Mexican: You coming???
Mexican: Hello?
Mexican: Welp. Seeya later
Mexican: Jerk, where are you? Let's make love maybe?!?!?!
Mexican: Never mind good night
Mexican: Are you awake? Just tell me
Mexican: SOCIOPATHICSTRIPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mexican: Dude are you awake? why won't you talk to me?
Mexican: There is something I have to tell you?
Mexican: Are you coming over, I'm going to bed if your not, let me know ma
Mexican: Just say yes or no babe, I've been waiting
Mexican: I know your up, why wont you talk to me? I miss you
Mexican: Welp. Seeya later.
And then there were phone calls and a voicemail which I still haven't listened to. I know it will either piss me off or make me sad and I don't feel like having either of those emotions at the moment. I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm guessing he saw that I started dating someone on facebook somehow (we're not facebook friends) and that's what triggered that little episode. I do miss him for some odd reason. I actually hold off on crying after having sex with knuckles on Sunday because I felt guilty for still having feelings for the Mexican. I'm still hoping I will start to become more attached to knuckles; I remember not really liking the Mexican for the first few months too. It takes me a while to warm up to people.
I think I got a part time job as a math tutor. I think I'll like it - I love teaching people and I love math.
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6 comments:
OK...well that's fucked up. Been there done that. Sociogal, don't fuck with him even if he was in the joint- he just had you meet his family. He is reaching out and you are burning him. Keep doing this and I guarantee that you will end up 40 and the highlight of your week will be playing beer bong Jenga with dudes who carry knives in the city. PS I was a dude who straightened out
I disagree with the comment above, I think you are trying to change. I don't like the fact you stopped taking the meds already. Trying those type of meds takes six months.
You are not lying to Knuckles are you? You haven't said the "L" word or started making long term plans have you?
When I first read this I didn't know what to say until I read the other comment.
I haven't lied to him at all. I haven't told him I love him even though he tells me constantly. He told me the first night I met him that he was going to marry me!
I did tell him that it takes me a few months to warm up to people and feel attached to them.
It's not my intention to lead him on, but I do want to see where this goes.
About the meds...I guess I'm still not comfortable with the idea of taking medication. Seems ridiculous considering I have no issue with polluting my body with other substances.
I think if I get this job I'll feel a lot better. The stress of not making money is getting to me.
Why do you sleep with these losers?
I'm the 1st anonymous guy- again this seems fucked up. I never said the L word.... I said reaching out He opened up and you are having issues.... that seem to happen more when you get loaded. A smart gal like you should be able to do a gap or root cause analysis. Rhymes with hick-or....
So this has nothing to do with your most current update but I've read your blog forever and repeatedly and you've always amused the living fuck out of me. And now I'm going to pour my heart out to you over the interwebs. I've "danced" on and off for 4 years (actually in Atlanta for the first 2) and I've tried to quit more times than I can count and always end up back, even if it's just one day a month, I don't believe that itch you mentioned ever goes away. I don't know if it's the money, how in shape I stay (getting paid to work out is pretty awesome), the attention, the party atmosphere or the girls (who I have nothing in common with outside of booze, drugs and getting naked for a living but are still some of my best friends, who I can tell anything and fear no judgement) but it's certainly something that draws me back time and time again. I dream about the club all the time. I guess it's kinda like a bad relationship where you spend enough time away and you miss it only to go back and immediately remember why it was so destructive and terrible in the first place. Even if I'm not working, I still go drink at my club, sadly it feels like home, filled with a dysfunctional, alcoholic, drug addicted family. I know the job changed me, some for better, but mostly for worse. I don't have regular social interactions, relationships or feelings anymore. I cry all the time, I don't get attached to people, I'm a goddamn terror to males, not because I don't like them, but I guess because I know them too well, I don't trust them, I've seen too much shit, I've pretended for too long. I've always said I would write book about all the crazy shit I've seen at the club, or what I remember at least (Tales of my Twenties: A strippers story of getting drunk, rich and emotionally damaged) but I believe you've inspired me to perhaps start a blog.
Apologies on the novel, I'll end this by saying I love reading what you write and a huge portion of it has gone through my head but never been so wonderfully expressed. I wish you were my stripper pen pal.
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