So bored

I hate my life now. Hate it. You'd think that getting a real job and cleaning up your alcohol and drug use would make someone happier...you'd be wrong.

Confession time.

So a few months back when I was drunkenly hanging with the mexican I skipped a period. For some strange reason I had a feeling I was pregnant. I remember leaving work freaking out because I thought I was pregnant. I bought some home pregnancy tests  but was too nervous to take them. I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Of course he was shit at communicating and it took days to get a text or a call back. I drank. I drank a lot. Probably somewhere along the lines of 1.5 fifths a day - for a week. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Relief. I've honestly never felt so stressed out in my life. I knew deep down that if I were pregnant I would have to get an abortion. I didn't want to be a single mom and I knew he wouldn't be there for me. A week or two more goes by and still no period. A week later there's blood. So much blood. I don't tell anyone and convince myself its my late period. A week later I visit my gyno. I tell him the situation  and they do a pregnancy test (they do this regardless). It's negative. After the examination he says it's likely I had an early term miscarriage. He says they're very common something like 40% of all pregnancies end up miscarriages, many very early on.  I don't mention my drinking. I obviously don't tell the mexican.

I suppose it turned out for the best. I've never felt so upset in my life. I've never felt so conflicted in my life; a drunk one-night-stand turned fucked up relationshippy-thing-cheater may have impregnated me. I had quit my job (mostly because I was sure I was pregnant). I knew I couldn't depend or expect anything from him. Sure I could raise a kid myself but I don't want that. I'm very much against single motherhood for whatever reason.

My life now seems very boring in comparison. I suppose it's a good thing.