The last update

So I officially quit for good when I graduated in May. We'll see if this quitting sessions lasts; I have a feeling it will.

I had to stop by my work the other night to ask for a favor (which was granted ), and it got me thinking about my time at the club. Every time I walk in after a break it's the same feeling. The feeling of familiarity. Every single time it's though I never left. I miss it. I miss it every day. I suppose I tend to miss things that I don't have anymore, even if I hated them while experiencing them.

The house mom said it was good to see me, and gave me back my license that I left there months ago. I'm going to bring her some lottery tickets next week as a thank you for helping me out in my latest...endeavor. She loves lottery tickets.

When I reflect upon my time as a stripper I wish I had more cognizant thoughts on the matter. Disregarding the fact that I was drunk out of my mind 80% of the time, even sober I can't articulate the experience. What did I learn? How did this job affect me?

People tend to separate into two camps when it comes to strippers; either they see it as degrading and gross, men taking advantage of damaged and desperate girls, or empowering; women using their sexuality to their advantage on their own terms. I'm not sure I belong to either camp. Were there times I felt degraded? Not really. I was frustrated and disappointed a lot; when a customer didn't spend as much money as I hoped or I got denied for dances. Were there times I felt empowered? Maybe powerful, but not empowered. Sure, I could get men to spend ridiculous amounts of money on me. Yeah they would sit there, eyes fixated on my body in some sort of trance. But empowered? No. Unfortunately I generally felt blank. I would remove myself from the situation entirely, going through the motions but not processing any of it. Almost 6 years of being absent from myself. Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my age. I don't feel 25. The time I spent stripping shouldn't count. I wasn't growing and developing as a person; I was frozen.

Hopefully I can get myself a college degree-worthy career and start becoming a better person.